Author: Herb Knoll

When I speak to groups or talk to new clients, I can count on hearing questions about dating sites; which one should I use and which is the “best” one? Over the years,I’ve come to understand what they’re really asking is: (1) Where are the good people? (2) Where will I meet the person of my dreams? (3) What sites don’t have scammers?

You may be surprised at my answer to their question, which is, “They’re generally all the same.”

At the same time, I let people know that some dating sites have a particular focus. For example, religious beliefs such as Christian Singles, JDate, and others. Or sites for people over 50 such as Our Time, Silver Singles, and others.

Some sites serve a variety of age groups, such as Match.com, Plenty of Fish (POF), eHarmony, etc. There are even sites for folks who love to travel, farmers (or are interested in farmers), gluten-free eaters, and people who love spicy foods.

In reality, the outcome of your online dating experience often has more to do with some of the following…

Your attitude toward yourself, the opposite sex, and dating in general. In particular, many people struggle to have negative opinions about the opposite sex (due to past dating experiences). My recommendation is first to learn why the negative things happened and how they might be prevented in the future.

Profile content and photos. Many of us are tempted to lie about our age or touch up our pictures. Many people look and act younger than their chronological age, and the way to show this in your profile (besides lying) is to include all the “young” things you do in your life. Talk about how active you are. And talk about the activities you’d like to do with a partner. Include pictures of you doing those activities.

Persistence. Sadly, some people give up quickly when dating doesn’t become what they were looking for. But think about other things in life you’ve started where the outcome was important – such as going to college, learning how to drive, applying for a job, or becoming a parent. Even though it was hard, even though it took time to learn how to do it well, even though you got discouraged – you kept going because the outcome was more important than your feelings of “it’s so hard.” I tell people to consider adopting this same stick-with-it attitude about dating.

Keep your emotions and expectations in check in the beginning. This is one of the really challenging ones. I hear people say, “I really want to be in a relationship, AND I really don’t want to date.” I tell them, “Unless you’re planning on an arranged marriage, you’ll need to at least date a little.” (Even if you hire a matchmaker, you still need to go on a date.)

A few tips to further improve your dating experiences…

Set expectations before each date. For example: (1) I’m going to learn about myself. How do I feel during a first meeting? How can I help myself feel more comfortable and relaxed? How do I learn how to talk about myself? (2) I’m going to learn about a new person. How do I learn to ask “I’m curious” questions that don’t feel like interrogations or interviews?

Help your emotional self with messages such as: (1) I’m meeting a new person to see how I feel about being with them. (2) My first meeting is to decide if I want to spend more time with them (not the rest of my life). (3) I’m not meeting my forever-person right now (even if it turns out to be the one, it’s important to allow your emotions to grow slowly).

Work on your self-confidence. Wouldn’t you like to date someone who has good self-confidence? Then it would be best if you increase yours. Get clear about what makes you an interesting, valuable person. This will help you not settle for someone who isn’t your match. Add friends and activities to your life. The best way to feel good about yourself is to have a well-rounded life filled with things that make you feel happy and needed.

In closing…

I have clients who have met their significant others on dating sites after working on all these things together. I’ve found that it’s usually not the site causing a person not to find the right date… it’s the person not using the site to their best advantage.

If you’d like to learn how to be more successful in your dating endeavors, let’s chat. You can schedule a complimentary conversation with me here.

About Christine…

As a coach, I’ve helped hundreds of people successfully through their dating and relationship processes. I enjoy listening carefully to who you are and then using that knowledge to help you explore your dating and relationship needs.

Take the first step toward achieving your dream of a happy and fulfilling romantic relationship! Fill out my questionnaire What’s Holding You Back From Love, and then let’s talk.

My coaching is deeply influenced by my own period of online dating. Not only did I become an expert at online dating back then, I figured out how to have fun while doing it. It was a wonderful time of challenges and discoveries. And it led me to meet and marry my late husband.

As a widow, I have a new level of understanding about dating after loss. Widows (and widowers) tell me, “all the dating rules have changed.” They tell me they wish they could skip the dating part and find a wonderful relationship. And I know what they mean. The good news is – my clients and I have discovered there are many safe and proactive ways to re-enter the dating world. And I’m here to tell you; they do work!

Song: Life Lives On
Performed by: Kim Parent
Written by: Ken Harrell
Produced by: Herb Knoll
Lyric Video by: Shane Farmer / REMRAF LLC
http://www.remraf.com
shane@remraf.com

PLEASE HELP Herb Knoll has produced a song titled; “Life Lives On.” It is intended to encourage people to donate organs during this season of giving. Herb’s friends, in Nashville, Ken Harrell wrote the song and Kim Parent performed it. It is now available on YouTube and the this, the WSN website.

**PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE **

Help me promote this video. Make it go viral. Copy this link and share it with as many people as possible. HTTPS://atomic-temporary-173386071.wpcomstaging.com/

Be sure to tell your friends to page down so they see the Musical Graphic and can view the music video. We need to make this video go viral and fast, as it has a Christmas theme. As your friends to share it too.

Know someone in the media or news industry, share the Music Video with them and encourage them to share our story and our music video of “Live Lives On.” Perhaps arrange an interview or two. Have an opportunity to gain PR, call me. 615.579.8136. We REALLY need your help. Merry Christmas.

We’re Saving Lives

Herb Knoll

Copyright © 2021

Like many men who have lost a wife, Herb Knoll did not believe he could ever love again. Of course, this was long before he met his wife, Maria. One night, it occurred to Herb how, should he ever fall in love again, it might well be with a widow, especially given his age. This was the birth of the song “Love You Different.” Those who have experienced the loss of a spouse, a life partner, or a close relationship; listen as Herb captured in verse a tender song about a widower who falls in love with a widow.
Three of Herb’s recording artists, friends from Nashville, entered a studio to record this genuinely unique track. Pictured below are (L-R) Kim Parent, Rob Harris, and Marcia Ramirez. Together, they tweaked Herb’s original lyrics and then brought it to life. We hope you enjoy “Love You Different” and ask that you share it with your friends. The lyrics can be found on here and appear on page 107 of Herb’s popular book, The Widower’s Journey.

“Love You Different”

Music by: Kim Parent, Rob Harris, & Marcia Ramirez

Lyrics by: Herb Knoll, Kim Parent, Rob Harris & Marcia Ramirez

I have come to know
The heart can love again
Even after true love has passed into the wind
There’s no need to explain
What you’re going through
‘ Cause not long ago I lost an angel, too
I know you miss him
But I’ll love you different
I won’t replace him or ask you to forget
Love him all the same
That’s not for me to change
I know you miss him
But I’ll love you different

Even as we let them go
Part of them will stay
Woven deep into our lives and who we are today
That’s something we can celebrate
BRIDGE:
So let me wipe your tears away, my beautiful friend
I believe they’d tell us it’s okay to love again

Guitar chart

By Herb Knoll

Author: The Widower’s Journey

Loss of a spouse or a life partner can occur suddenly, as in the case of a drug overdose, an auto accident, or someone falling down a flight of stairs. Some spouses are lost to their families following a prolonged illness such as cancer, dementia, or Multiple Sclerosis, leaving the door open for survivors to experience anticipatory grief. As the Widowers Support Network founder, I have witnessed members frequently debate which scenario is more comfortable for the survivors. The jury is still out.

            A period of anticipatory grief provides family and loved ones the time to get used to the reality of impending death gradually. Sudden death may deprive loved ones of the opportunity to say goodbye, reconcile a long-standing dispute, or say “I love you” to the soon-to-be deceased.  Conversely, anticipatory grief has its own set of pluses and minuses. Writing for the Journal of Palliative Care, Therese A. Rando wrote: “… in the area of anticipatory grief; the caregiver has the golden opportunity to use primary prevention strategies and to make therapeutic interventions that may facilitate appropriate grief work and a more positive post-death bereavement experience for the survivor-to-be.”

            Perhaps this is why I did not shed a tear while attending my deceased wife’s Celebration of Life after serving as a caregiver for thirty-nine months. After all, I had been experiencing anticipatory grief for thirty-nine months. Each morning, and before I would even open my eyes, I would think to myself, my wife is dying, and I need to give her another good day.

Dr. William C. Shiel (MedicineNet) cautions: “Although anticipatory grief may help the family, the dying person may experience too much grief, causing the patient to become withdrawn.”

            The view of some soon-to-be mourners is that anticipatory grief is a sign of abandonment of the dying patient, leaving in the aftermath of the patient’s passing a sense of unwarranted guilt by the survivor, perhaps for years to come.  Moreover, one should not assume that by experiencing anticipatory grief, they will automatically share less pain following the eventual passing of their loved one, as each survivor’s grief journey is unique. Anticipatory grief entrenches itself into a caregiver’s daily life, absence of any fanfare or noted entry. The soon-to-be survivor will be burned with having to carry any fear associated with their anticipatory grief as well as its emotional weight each day, each hour, each minute.

One occasion I experienced anticipatory grief occurred about two months before my wife died. I was sitting at a traffic light at the corner of 1604 and Blanco Rd. in San Antonio, Texas. As I glanced to my right, I noticed a grey-haired elderly couple in the car next to me. As I gazed upon them, it struck me how lucky they were to have enjoyed their senior years together and how I was not going to be so fortunate. At the time, I felt cheated. Little did I realize that the human heart can love again and that I would discover love and marry years later.        

            Commenting on his experience with anticipatory grief, widower Joe Netzel of Cincinnati, Ohio, said, “When I had “alone time,” usually in the car during my weekly trip to and from the grocery store, and when I had a private moment to think/ponder/wonder/tremble about life without her,” My mind tended to drift toward the possibility Tracey might not win her battle with breast cancer.”

Widower Mike Simons of Cleburne, Texas, lost his wife Amy in May of 2019, self-discovered he was “pre-grieving” when he found himself needing to visit with a financial advisor, a lawyer, and ministers. “I cried in the shower or the car when running errands so I could be strong for the family.”           

Dr. Shiel adds, “Expecting the loss often makes the attachment to the dying person stronger.” I can personally attest to a feeling as the thirty-nine months I served as a caregiver for my deceased wife were among the best years of our sixteen-year marriage.  

Working with thousands of widowers from around the world, I have found that the degree of anticipatory grief or pre-grief experienced by a survivor may not only influence the severity and duration of their grief journey. It is also likely to accelerate their desire to rebuild what remains of their own life following the passing of their loved one, including their romantic involvement with another woman or life partner, an action that may risk alienating family and friends that may view such conduct as disrespectful to the deceased, if not worse.  

Caregiver Nathan Siefert of Wauwatosa, Wisconsin, wife Becca is currently fighting cancer. “I’m slowly taking on more and more around the house and in our family,” said Nathan as he described the current state of his anticipatory grief journey. “Faith has helped.  I chose at the moment to evict any intrusive worries.  I chose to focus on what is in front of me.”

To help combat the onset of anticipatory grief, Nathan remains proactive. He works out three days each week, and he runs to keep depression at bay. He shares his fears with friends, a little bit at a time to not scare anyone away because he will need them to listen to his concerns during the dark days ahead. Nathan encourages caregivers who believe in a higher power to read Matthew 6:25-34, which reads in part, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its things.”

Those dealing with anticipatory grief are encouraged to see a mental health professional. During my caregiver days, I knew I needed to be on top of my game. I also knew I would be ill-advised to evaluate my mental state, yet I needed to know that I could deal with my anticipatory grief for as long as my wife needed me to do so. I decided to visit a psychologist at Vanderbilt University Medical Center for her sake and my own, where I was pleased to learn what a trained professional thought. I was handling the rigors of being a caregiver pretty well. Nathan’s doctor prescribed a medication for anxiety for him, something just to taken some of the edges off.   

Writing for the Visiting Nurse Service of New York, Vince Corso suggests caregivers work through their feelings of anticipatory grief and take time to examine unresolved issues between their loved ones and themselves. “Say what needs to be said,” Corso advises. Moreover, if your spouse or life partner is still well enough, settle legal and financial matters and discuss end-of-life wishes.

Anticipatory grief or pre-grief is a condition that ebbs and flows and should not be ignored. Sufferers should seek medical attention. I’m here to tell those who think seeing a doctor is not manly; you are mistaken. Seeing a doctor for a legitimate medical condition is a smart move, especially if you genuinely care about being able to serve your ailing spouse or a life partner better.

“Some days are better than others when dealing with my anticipatory grief; the denial, the depression, the bargaining, and the pain,” said Nathan. “Today is a good day. Tomorrow I may be on the edge of tears as I can’t stop thinking about life without Becca.”

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Herb Knoll is an award-winning advocate for Widowers, speaker, and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey. Herb is the founder of the WidowersSupportNetwork.com, featuring the “Widowers Support Network – Members Only,” a private Facebook page for men.  Herb also hosts the Widowers Journey Podcast. See https://widowersjounrey.libsyn.com.      

Loss of a spouse or a life partner can occur suddenly, as in the case of a drug overdose, an auto accident, or someone falling down a flight of stairs. Some spouses are lost to their families following a prolonged illness such as cancer, dementia, or Multiple Sclerosis, leaving the door open for survivors to experience anticipatory grief. As the Widowers Support Network founder, I have witnessed members frequently debate which scenario is more comfortable for the survivors. The jury is still out.

            A period of anticipatory grief provides family and loved ones the time to get used to the reality of impending death gradually. Sudden death may deprive loved ones of the opportunity to say goodbye, reconcile a long-standing dispute, or say “I love you” to the soon-to-be deceased.  Conversely, anticipatory grief has its own set of pluses and minuses. Writing for the Journal of Palliative Care, Therese A. Rando wrote: “… in the area of anticipatory grief; the caregiver has the golden opportunity to use primary prevention strategies and to make therapeutic interventions that may facilitate appropriate grief work and a more positive post-death bereavement experience for the survivor-to-be.”

            Perhaps this is why I did not shed a tear while attending my deceased wife’s Celebration of Life after serving as a caregiver for thirty-nine months. After all, I had been experiencing anticipatory grief for thirty-nine months. Each morning, and before I would even open my eyes, I would think to myself, my wife is dying, and I need to give her another good day.

Dr. William C. Shiel (MedicineNet) cautions: “Although anticipatory grief may help the family, the dying person may experience too much grief, causing the patient to become withdrawn.”

            The view of some soon-to-be mourners is that anticipatory grief is a sign of abandonment of the dying patient, leaving in the aftermath of the patient’s passing a sense of unwarranted guilt by the survivor, perhaps for years to come.  Moreover, one should not assume that by experiencing anticipatory grief, they will automatically share less pain following the eventual passing of their loved one, as each survivor’s grief journey is unique. Anticipatory grief entrenches itself into a caregiver’s daily life, absence of any fanfare or noted entry. The soon-to-be survivor will be burned with having to carry any fear associated with their anticipatory grief as well as its emotional weight each day, each hour, each minute.

One occasion I experienced anticipatory grief occurred about two months before my wife died. I was sitting at a traffic light at the corner of 1604 and Blanco Rd. in San Antonio, Texas. As I glanced to my right, I noticed a grey-haired elderly couple in the car next to me. As I gazed upon them, it struck me how lucky they were to have enjoyed their senior years together and how I was not going to be so fortunate. At the time, I felt cheated. Little did I realize that the human heart can love again and that I would discover love and marry years later.        

            Commenting on his experience with anticipatory grief, widower Joe Netzel of Cincinnati, Ohio, said, “When I had “alone time,” usually in the car during my weekly trip to and from the grocery store, and when I had a private moment to think/ponder/wonder/tremble about life without her,” My mind tended to drift toward the possibility Tracey might not win her battle with breast cancer.”

Widower Mike Simons of Cleburne, Texas, lost his wife Amy in May of 2019, self-discovered he was “pre-grieving” when he found himself needing to visit with a financial advisor, a lawyer, and ministers. “I cried in the shower or the car when running errands so I could be strong for the family.”           

Dr. Shiel adds, “Expecting the loss often makes the attachment to the dying person stronger.” I can personally attest to a feeling as the thirty-nine months I served as a caregiver for my deceased wife were among the best years of our sixteen-year marriage.  

Working with thousands of widowers from around the world, I have found that the degree of anticipatory grief or pre-grief experienced by a survivor may not only influence the severity and duration of their grief journey. It is also likely to accelerate their desire to rebuild what remains of their own life following the passing of their loved one, including their romantic involvement with another woman or life partner, an action that may risk alienating family and friends that may view such conduct as disrespectful to the deceased, if not worse.  

Caregiver Nathan Siefert of Wauwatosa, Wisconsin, wife Becca is currently fighting cancer. “I’m slowly taking on more and more around the house and in our family,” said Nathan as he described the current state of his anticipatory grief journey. “Faith has helped.  I chose at the moment to evict any intrusive worries.  I chose to focus on what is in front of me.”

To help combat the onset of anticipatory grief, Nathan remains proactive. He works out three days each week, and he runs to keep depression at bay. He shares his fears with friends, a little bit at a time to not scare anyone away because he will need them to listen to his concerns during the dark days ahead. Nathan encourages caregivers who believe in a higher power to read Matthew 6:25-34, which reads in part, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its things.”

Those dealing with anticipatory grief are encouraged to see a mental health professional. During my caregiver days, I knew I needed to be on top of my game. I also knew I would be ill-advised to evaluate my mental state, yet I needed to know that I could deal with my anticipatory grief for as long as my wife needed me to do so. I decided to visit a psychologist at Vanderbilt University Medical Center for her sake and my own, where I was pleased to learn what a trained professional thought. I was handling the rigors of being a caregiver pretty well. Nathan’s doctor prescribed a medication for anxiety for him, something just to taken some of the edges off.   

Writing for the Visiting Nurse Service of New York, Vince Corso suggests caregivers work through their feelings of anticipatory grief and take time to examine unresolved issues between their loved ones and themselves. “Say what needs to be said,” Corso advises. Moreover, if your spouse or life partner is still well enough, settle legal and financial matters and discuss end-of-life wishes.

Anticipatory grief or pre-grief is a condition that ebbs and flows and should not be ignored. Sufferers should seek medical attention. I’m here to tell those who think seeing a doctor is not manly; you are mistaken. Seeing a doctor for a legitimate medical condition is a smart move, especially if you genuinely care about being able to serve your ailing spouse or a life partner better.

“Some days are better than others when dealing with my anticipatory grief; the denial, the depression, the bargaining, and the pain,” said Nathan. “Today is a good day. Tomorrow I may be on the edge of tears as I can’t stop thinking about life without Becca.” Herb Knoll is an award-winning advocate for Widowers, speaker, and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey. Herb is the founder of the WidowersSupportNetwork.com, featuring the “Widowers Support Network – Members Only,” a private Facebook page for men.  Herb also hosts the Widowers Journey Podcast. See https://widowersjounrey.libsyn.com.    

It started as a step toward healing himself…became a book, a podcast and a ministry. As a bank executive, Herb Knoll was known as a man who could get the job done. But when Knoll lost his wife to cancer he found no resources to help him recover. The more he learned about the plight of widowers worldwide, from high suicide rates to physical and emotional challenges, the more healing and purpose he found in writing a book “with fellow widowers, for fellow widowers.”

Looking for insights on the challenges faced by men after spouse or partner loss?  Join Dr. Heidi and Dr. Gloria Horsley and Herb Knoll bereaved spouse, retired banking executive, professional speaker, columnist, and founder of the widowers support network. Herb is the author of the The Widower’s Journey.

https://www.opentohope.com/herb-knoll-men-rebuilding-after-loss/