The Widowers Journey

Author: Herb Knoll

  • Widower: Self-Isolation – What Now With COVID-19?

    If you are a recent widower, this blog is for you!

    Widowers often are advised to avoid self-isolation. It is harmful to our physical and mental health. Fear, anger, doubt, and depression can run rampant. Destructive behaviors, such as alcoholism and drug use, are common. This can lead to alienation from our family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. 

    We are told to get out, try new activities, meet new people, and reach out to those who still love us and are in our life. All of this is critical to eventual healing.

    But now we are being forced to isolate-in-place due to COVID–19. So, how the hell are we supposed to heal now?

    Just when we are most vulnerable, just when we need human contact the most, and just when everything in our body and mind is screaming at us to hunker down and hide from everyone… then we have this COVID-19 crisis come along and force us to self-isolate.

    Many of our friends, family, and acquaintances are unlikely to reach out to us, as they are often afraid that they are imposing on us and our grief… or afraid they will say the wrong thing. So, I am going to tell you something you might think is counter-intuitive:

    IT IS UP TO YOU TO REACH OUT TO THEM, NOW MORE THAN EVER!

    Because now you may not be able to:

    • have dinner with your family, 
    • go out for a beer with your friends, 
    • attend church,
    • go to work, 
    • eat out at a restaurant, or
    • participate in group hikes, dances, ball games, or other activities.

    Here are a few options to help keep you engaged with others: 

    • call (video call if possible) at least one person each day and have a real conversation,
    • text and email friends and family daily,
    • communicate with others through Facebook,
    • exchange ideas on how you are dealing with the crisis,
    • view humorous or inspiring Facebook posts dealing with our situation, such as Laura Clery  
    • join online video groups now being offered through Meetup

    Also, consider some activities to help you through this:

    • Exercise, exercise, exercise – and eat right
    • Meditation – you have time to try one of many free ones on Youtube
    • Reduce Stress – read or listen to people like Eckhart Tolle 
    • Change your routine – mix it up
    • Keep the television or music on to fill the void
    • Find a home project that keeps you occupied and feels good to finish (write a book)
    • Plan one positive thing for the future, such as a road trip to visit family or old friends, that gives you something amazing to look forward to.

    You might also identify some people in your neighborhood who need help, such as picking up groceries for them. Take a walk in your area and pick up trash. Go pull some weeds, which can be a very therapeutic project. 

    In other words, find new ways to maintain your contact with others and to be active. DO NOT use this pandemic as an excuse to take your isolation to a new level! Reach out to others; don’t wait for them to reach out to you. 

    P.S. Please take a moment and share your ideas on how to un-isolate while in isolation!

    © Copyright 2020 Fred Colby

    All rights reserved


    ——————————————————————-

    Fred Colby is the author of Widower to Widower, which is available on Amazon.com. You can find Fred’s column appearing here on WSN-MO every other Tuesday. Widower to Widower is available through your local bookstore, my website, and Amazon. Buy Widower to Widower through Amazon. (If living in Canada go to Widower to Widower – Amazon-Canada) See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower. Website: Fred Colby, Author

  • Helping Your Children

    An Excerpt from The Widower’s Journey (Taken from Chapter 10)

    As I said at the beginning of this chapter, grief means we’ve been cut off from a relationship that brought us all kinds of emotional benefits. Part of our recovery is finding sources of emotional support that will help assuage the sting of that loss.

    For us men, that’s often a tough thing to do. This was driven home to me in the spring of 2014 when a friend of mine, retired minister Paul Hubley, arranged for me to meet with a group of widowers, each a resident of the Elim Park facility in Cheshire, Connecticut. After speaking to the gathering of widowers about my loss and trials, I was amazed how engaged the men became. The men shared stories, and tears flowed as each man recounted his loss and the pain he had carried—for many of these men, it was the first time they had spoken of their feelings, and it was obvious they felt better for sharing them with other widowers. It was one of the most moving experiences I had while working on this book.

    On my trip home, it hit me that widowers need permission to grieve and to share. Today, most do not feel they have permission, or they fear that others will think less of them as a man if they expose their grief. For that single reason, one widower I spoke with decided not to participate in this book. He was afraid that once he revealed his story and his emotions, others would see him as weak.

    I admit that I didn’t reach out as soon as I should have for all the support and fellowship I needed. I recall one day, as I worked at my desk at the bank, one of the employees from the bank’s call center entered my office with her brow furrowed by concern. She quietly told me how “everyone on the floor misses your laughter.” That helped me see myself from a different vantage, and thanks to that caring soul I began to realize that I was not in a good place physically or emotionally. I realized I needed help, and I resolved to find it.

    Men don’t need to go it alone. Those who have friends and family should reach out to them. For those who don’t have loved ones nearby or who don’t feel comfortable asking friends and family for assistance, there are other services available. Hospice, which provides comfort care and support to dying patients, also can be an important source of support and empathy for care giving husbands and widowers. For instance, hospice offered widower Rod Hagen counseling for one year following the loss of his partner, Larry. Every ten days or so, the same man would call Rod, so he had someone to speak with—someone who understood what he was going through. Rod added, “The hospice volunteer ended up calling me for nearly two years. I wasn’t asked to come to some meeting and sit with a group of strangers and talk about my loss. Hospice was great. I also had a couple of close friends who were there when I needed to talk, and even when I didn’t need to talk but I didn’t want to be alone.”

    Widowers need a support network. I refer to them as a widower’s Personal Advisory Board. They could be a team hailing from your collection of lifelong friends, neighbors, a fellow congregant from your religious community, relatives, or a select group of professionals (doctor, lawyer, financial planner, life-coach, etc.). Your Personal Advisory Board represents your go-to team, the ones you should make familiar with your life situation and allow them to advise you as needed. Forming a Personal Advisory Board is a great way to allow another person who is also grieving over the loss of your wife to offer their support. You could even say it would be therapeutic for both of you.

    Fellowship with other widowers through a widower group, or even with just a single widower, can be a valuable part of your Personal Advisory Board. Widower Chris Sweet tells us how he reached out and found one of his old high school buddies who had also lost his wife. “He and I used to play basketball together but lost touch after graduation. When his wife died, I felt horrible for him. I remember how I didn’t know what to say to him. After some time, I found myself thinking how, given his loss, he was aware of what I was going through, and might be able to help me make sense out of what was going on with me. We spoke on the phone and exchanged e-mails. That was what I needed to keep me going.”

    Check for widower support groups at local churches, hospitals, and hospices. Or you may want to check out groups through www.nationalwidowers.org. Let me also recommend you register with the Widower’s Support Network’s FREE private Facebook page for widowers, caregivers and men experiencing a loss. We also invite good nature men who wish to offer their encouragement to those we serve.  At the Widowers Support Network, our mission is to comfort and assist widowers by offering free services. See “Widowers Support Network – Members Only” on Facebook.  We also offer a public Facebook page for all others to enjoy.  See “Widowers Support Network” on Facebook.

    Other resources that might be of help to widowers include www.onetoanother.org, a service that enables men and women who have experienced loss to meet, and www.widowedvillage.org, which connects widows and widowers for friendship and sharing.

    In my research, I also discovered that a pet can be a great source of comfort during a time of grief. After personally witnessing the effect that animals can have, I became a believer. But rather than go into that here—I know pets are not for everyone—I’ve written up my research in Appendix III.

    ______________________________________________

    The Widower’s Journey is available at Amazon.com, Barnes & Nobles and elsewhere in paperback ($14.95)  and all digital formats. Members of WSN-MO enjoy 15% off if purchased directly from the WSN. To do so, write herb@widowerssupportnetwork.com

  • Reaching for Help

    An Excerpt from The Widower’s Journey (Taken from Chapter 2)

    As I said at the beginning of this chapter, grief means we’ve been cut off from a relationship that brought us all kinds of emotional benefits. Part of our recovery is finding sources of emotional support that will help assuage the sting of that loss.

    For us men, that’s often a tough thing to do. This was driven home to me in the spring of 2014 when a friend of mine, retired minister Paul Hubley, arranged for me to meet with a group of widowers, each a resident of the Elim Park facility in Cheshire, Connecticut. After speaking to the gathering of widowers about my loss and trials, I was amazed how engaged the men became. The men shared stories, and tears flowed as each man recounted his loss and the pain he had carried—for many of these men, it was the first time they had spoken of their feelings, and it was obvious they felt better for sharing them with other widowers. It was one of the most moving experiences I had while working on this book.

    On my trip home, it hit me that widowers need permission to grieve and to share.Today, most do not feel they have permission, or they fear that others will think less of them as a man if they expose their grief. For that single reason, one widower I spoke with decided not to participate in this book. He was afraid that once he revealed his story and his emotions, others would see him as weak.

    I admit that I didn’t reach out as soon as I should have for all the support and fellowship I needed. I recall one day, as I worked at my desk at the bank, one of the employees from the bank’s call center entered my office with her brow furrowed by concern. She quietly told me how “everyone on the floor misses your laughter.” That helped me see myself from a different vantage, and thanks to that caring soul I began to realize that I was not in a good place physically or emotionally. I realized I needed help, and I resolved to find it.

    Men don’t need to go it alone. Those who have friends and family should reach out to them. For those who don’t have loved ones nearby or who don’t feel comfortable asking friends and family for assistance, there are other services available. Hospice, which provides comfort care and support to dying patients, also can be an important source of support and empathy for care giving husbands and widowers. For instance, hospice offered widower Rod Hagen counseling for one year following the loss of his partner, Larry. Every ten days or so, the same man would call Rod, so he had someone to speak with—someone who understood what he was going through. Rod added, “The hospice volunteer ended up calling me for nearly two years. I wasn’t asked to come to some meeting and sit with a group of strangers and talk about my loss. Hospice was great. I also had a couple of close friends who were there when I needed to talk, and even when I didn’t need to talk but I didn’t want to be alone.”

    Widowers need a support network. I refer to them as a widower’s Personal Advisory Board. They could be a team hailing from your collection of lifelong friends, neighbors, a fellow congregant from your religious community, relatives, or a select group of professionals (doctor, lawyer, financial planner, life-coach, etc.). Your Personal Advisory Board represents your go-to team, the ones you should make familiar with your life situation and allow them to advise you as needed. Forming a Personal Advisory Board is a great way to allow another person who is also grieving over the loss of your wife to offer their support. You could even say it would be therapeutic for both of you.

    Fellowship with other widowers through a widower group, or even with just a single widower, can be a valuable part of your Personal Advisory Board. Widower Chris Sweet tells us how he reached out and found one of his old high school buddies who had also lost his wife. “He and I used to play basketball together but lost touch after graduation. When his wife died, I felt horrible for him. I remember how I didn’t know what to say to him. After some time, I found myself thinking how, given his loss, he was aware of what I was going through, and might be able to help me make sense out of what was going on with me. We spoke on the phone and exchanged e-mails. That was what I needed to keep me going.”

    Check for widower support groups at local churches, hospitals, and hospices. Or you may want to check out groups through www.nationalwidowers.org. Let me also recommend you register with the Widower’s Support Network’s FREE private Facebook page for widowers, caregivers and men experiencing a loss. We also invite good nature men who wish to offer their encouragement to those we serve.  At the Widowers Support Network, our mission is to comfort and assist widowers by offering free services. See “Widowers Support Network – Members Only” on Facebook.  We also offer a public Facebook page for all others to enjoy.  See “Widowers Support Network” on Facebook.

    Other resources that might be of help to widowers include www.onetoanother.org, a service that enables men and women who have experienced loss to meet, and www.widowedvillage.org, which connects widows and widowers for friendship and sharing.

    In my research, I also discovered that a pet can be a great source of comfort during a time of grief. After personally witnessing the effect that animals can have, I became a believer. But rather than go into that here—I know pets are not for everyone—I’ve written up my research in Appendix III.

    ______________________________________________

    The Widower’s Journey is available at Amazon.com, Barnes & Nobles and elsewhere in paperback ($14.95)  and all digital formats. Members of WSN-MO enjoy 15% off if purchased directly from the WSN. To do so, write herb@widowerssupportnetwork.com

  • Tom Nate, A Good Hearted Man

    Tom Nate is not a widower. Rather, Tom Nate is a walking miracle. A resident of San Antonio, Texas, Tom is a man who has endured much and is eager to give forward by supporting the members of WSN.

    You say you have troubles.  Read the account of Tom Nate’s story as written by Kihm Winship.  Then tell me how your day is going. Don’t miss out.  You’ll be glad you took the time to read the story of this truly remarkable man.

    ______________________________________________

    The Remarkable Story Of Tom Nate… A Walking Miracle

    A native Texan raised in Houston; Tom Nate started life with a lung disorder, but he didn’t let it slow him down. In spite of childhood bouts of pneumonia, he was active in sports, graduated from college, and went on to a successful career in business. True, he might have gotten a little out of breath from time to time, but he grew accustomed to it.

    However, in 2002, when he was 48 years old, two things happened that would change Tom’s life. First, he became the father of a son. And second, his shortness of breath became a constant challenge. By the time his son was an active three-year-old, Tom was tied to an oxygen tank, and on the waiting list for a double lung transplant.

    Tom talks a lot about miracles, and an early miracle in this story was that his employer’s health insurance provided full coverage for transplants. The closest participating hospital was in St. Louis, and in 2007, Tom received a new set of lungs. He was in surgery for 14 hours, and in a coma for six days, but he got well, and three months later he was back home in Texas.

    Through all of this, Tom wanted everything to be as normal as possible for his wife and son. His boy was now four years old and more active than ever. Tom wanted to be active with him. However, eight months after he returned to Texas, his lungs rejected.

    The doctors told him that finding another matching donor would be difficult; in fact, there was just a 2% chance due to antibody issues resulting from the first transplant surgery. Not sure whether he should try for another transplant, Tom and his wife prayed for 40 days. Their answers started revealing themselves as what Tom calls “a whole bunch of miracles “began happening. An offer of an airplane to take them to St. Louis. Housing opportunities in St. Louis. A school for their son, with tuition, paid anonymously by another family hearing of Tom’s struggle to live. Those were answers to Tom and Irma’s prayers,and they decided to move forward.

    When Tom and his family relocated to St. Louis in October of 2008 to await another transplant, Tom’s doctor told him he had six months to live. Tom and his wife focused on prayer and on keeping his son’s life as normal as possible. Tom went to rehab every day, accompanied by his oxygen tank, to stay strong for the possible surgery.

    On New Year’s Day, 2009, Tom was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance barely able to breathe; his lung function was down to 12%. His doctor told him that he had two weeks to live, at most. Tom’s lungs had quit making oxygen and, worse, were unable to clear the CO2 from his blood. The same evening his doctor gave the terrible news, Tom went into cardiac arrest, respiratory failure, and kidney failure.

    His wife Irma was called to the hospital and told Tom would not make it through the night, and she should just “let him go and not resuscitate him.” His wife refused and told the doctors that “it was not their decision whether Tom lived or died but God’s decision.” But the doctors said they could not put him on a ventilator unless they had his written permission. His wife, doing her best to stay in control, screamed at Tom to wake up. His eyes opened, and she asked him if he wanted to live or “let go.” Gasping for air and unable to speak, Tom reached up and squeezed his wife’s arm; a tear fell from his left eye. The doctors accepted that as a “Yes.” They put a tracheotomy in his throat and attached a ventilator to him. He would be unable to speak until new donor lungs were located, and another transplant surgery was performed.

    For the next three weeks, Tom was unconscious in the Intensive Care Unit. Four more times, the doctors tried to convince Tom’s wife to let him go. However, she said, “If God wants him, God will take him.” Unconscious, Tom fought through cardiac arrest, kidney failure, a staph infection, and reactions to drugs. Tom remembers asking God to “take him home” and having out-of-body experiences, leaving his body and the hospital room behind, rising into brilliant colors, beautiful music, but hearing a voice that said, “It’s not your time yet; you have a son to raise.”

    When Tom woke up, he had “tubes everywhere.” Unable to move, he told himself that he would start over at square one. The first thing he did was get a pen and paper and write down his recollections of the out of body experiences, sobbing as he wrote. Tom has total belief that God intervened and spared his life, answering all the thousands of prayers offered by so many on Tom’s behalf. He had to relearn to walk. Still tied to the ventilator, he needed an electric larynx to speak. Doctors predicted his kidneys would never work again and counseled his wife on the reality of Tom living on dialysis. But 20 days after he woke from his three-week sleep, Tom’s kidneys started working again. His body, swollen to twice its normal size from all the fluid in him, began to return slowly to normal. He had to work with physical therapists each day not only to walk but to learn to eat and bathe and dress. One day, he walked five feet. The next day, ten feet. It was grueling at times, but after three months, he walked out of the ICU.

    With a portable ventilator and a scooter, Tom was able to leave the hospital and return to his family’s apartment. His job was to stay alive until a transplant could be arranged. He learned to do for himself what the nurses had been doing for him. When he asked his doctors how long he could go on, they replied, “We don’t know. Nobody’s ever done this” (having lived on a ventilator outside the hospital while waiting for a double lung transplant).

    Tom and his wife again focused on their son, prayed, kept up with distant friends on Facebook, and he drew strength from his wife, who was a “rock.” Tom’s Caring Bridge website amassed over 1000 followers who were also praying for him and his family each day. One very good friend, named Jon, was the ultimate prayer warrior, staying by Tom’s side praying the entire time Tom was in ICU. When Tom first opened his eyes after his three-week sleep, Jon was praying beside his bed.

    There were many tough days, but all days were good as Tom was able to stay alive. Tom and his family waited 18 months for a telephone call that a donor had been found. At one a.m., on September 19, 2010, the hospital called to say they

    had a perfect match, but it was from a “high risk” donor, a 21-year-old who had traded sex for drugs; Tom could reject those lungs if he wanted to wait for another donor. Tom and Irma got on their knees and prayed for God to send a sign that this was the right donor. After praying, his wife called a retired doctor friend of theirs back in Texas for some guidance, and she told him that Tom was hearing from God to “move forward, ” but

    Irma felt very nervous about the high-risk lungs from the donor. Tom had told her that the entire journey had been “high risk” and their doctor friend in Texas also said,

    “Irma, all of this is high risk.” That was Irma’s confirmation. Tom tells about the difference between the first and second transplant surgeries: Before his first surgery, Tom had sought to control all of the variables. This time, he said, it was “trust God. He is in control!” The surgery was a go!

    Because it would take too long to shift ventilators and load Tom into the family car, he took his scooter down the elevator, out onto the street, and drove four blocks to the hospital with his son on his lap at three a.m., and to the side of a waiting bed. The nurses had never seen that before. Moreover, then he was taken into surgery a three p.m. on September 20th.

    Tom awoke as they were wheeling him back into his room 6 hours later. Four hours after the surgery, he sat up. When his wife came in, he smiled and waved as she walked down the hall. He sat up when asked to by the nurse, and several hours later stood up and walked also. Within three days, he was walking laps around the ICU. After one week, he was up to six laps and noticed that the nurse accompanying him was beginning to perspire. After two weeks, he left the hospital. It had been a journey of more than two years, during which Tom never gave up hope and faith that God had a plan for him.

    Today, Tom is 58 years old and coaches his son’s football, basketball, and baseball teams. On the day I spoke to him, he had pitched an hour of batting practice. “I have no bad days,” he said. “It’s all part of the journey.”

    In thinking about the support he and his family received, Tom recalled a practice that his wife started while in St. Louis. Every time he or the family witnessed a miracle from either God or from people God placed in their lives to help at special times Tom’s wife, Irma, would put a pink post-it note on the mirror in the dining room, as a reminder of all the blessings they were receiving while on this journey. One day Irma counted them and found there were 140 notes on the dining room wall mirror!

    Tom has spoken to hundreds of people about the power of hope, the power of prayer, the miracle of the body that God created. When he visits the hospital in St. Louis for an annual checkup, he spends two days on tests, and the rest of his visit talking to patients and rehabilitation specialists, offering encouragement. “I promised God I would do all that I could for others that are suffering from terrible lung disease,” he said.

    Tom gives all credit to God, family, friends, and faith for his survival. “With God all things are possible.” Tom is always looking forward, never looking back, never losing hope, he counts himself as “supremely blessed.” And every day, he strives to be a blessing to others.

    _______________________________________________

    Copyright: Michelle’s Angels Foundation, Inc. 2013

    Founded by Herb Knoll

  • Widowers Need to Be Coachable

    What do Tom Brady, Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan, and Derek Jeter all have in common? We could start with a considerable amount of athletic ability. Each of these supreme athletes has been recognized as among the best of the best in their sport. They also had one secret weapon each used to master their play; one trait “high achievers” routinely display, they are coachable.
    Think about it. Tom, Wayne, Michael, and Derek earned enormous amounts of salary for their athletic prowess, yet, they were willing subjects who intently listened to the coaching offered by men making a fraction of what the players received. Why were they so ready to embrace the words of their coaches? It’s simple. Coaches (mentors) make good people better. They help great people become world-class.
    As I continue to work with widowers worldwide, I can’t help but notice how some widowers are reluctant to be coached. There are many reasons why this may occur. The widower’s entrenched ego may prevent him from asking for help, or he simply has too much pride to admit that he might benefit from some sage advice provided by another. Their reluctance to accept coaching could be brought about by their belief that they know what’s best for themselves. One widower once told me, “It’s not manly to talk with you,” suggesting that men who are coached are somehow less of a man.
    I love being coached! Throughout my career, I reaped the benefits (not to the level of our athlete’s superstars) of being coached by men who were willing to invest their time in me. Officially, I had four coaches during my 38 years in banking. Each had a gift of being able to fine-tune whatever behavior they were coaching. In my case, it was my career, my performance, and my personal development. I considered it a badge of honor when one of my coaches, Rick Barrera of Rancho Santa Fe, California, once said, “Herb is the most coachable man I know.” And why shouldn’t I be? Rick made me be a better writer, communicator, and public speaker.
    Men are “fixers,” and as such, they recognize that their role in life is to provide and to fix things, even when it’s their own shattered life. Much like a man who is reluctant to ask for directions, widowers are frequently slow to ask for coaching from someone who has the insights, and the life experiences that, when shared, can accelerate the widower’s travels during his grief journey. Instead, many will go through it alone, many with disappointing results. How senseless. How unfortunate.
    Regardless of a widower’s situation, each needs to remain coachable. I care not about their public standing, their age, their education, etc., as each widower, without exception, is vulnerable. Whether they quietly subscribe to the teachings of others from afar, or they formalize the establishment of a personal coach, mentor, or an advocate who will look out for them, widowers

    would be wise to remain coachable. And while you’re at it, there is nothing wrong with having several coaches. Remember, I had four official coaches and many unofficial coaches.
    Widowers don’t have all the answers to the untold number and yet unseen challenges they will soon be facing. Never have. Never will. I have volumes of stories I could share about widowers who made every mistake imaginable, from excessive depletion of one’s savings to impulsive marriages that lasted but a few weeks. Sadly, many of the self-destructive decisions made by widowers were after they received coaching instructing them to make a different decision. In those cases, the widowers simply were not “coachable.” They undoubtedly thought they knew better, foolishly believing a man’s DNA included learning how to fix all of life’s many challenges.

    Assemble Your Personal Advisory Board

    One way of creating a team of coaches is to establish a support network (I refer to them as a widower’s Personal Advisory Board). They could be a team of individuals, hailing from your collection of lifelong friends, neighbors, a fellow parishioner from your church, relatives, or a select group of professionals (doctor, lawyer, financial planner, life-coach, confidante, etc.) Your Personal Advisory Board represents your go-to team, whose job it is to become familiar with your life situation and advise you as needed. Forming a Personal Advisory Board is a great way to allow another person who is also grieving your wife’s loss to contribute to the entire family’s healing. You could even say it would be therapeutic for them and you. Widower Chris Sweet tells us how he reached out and found one of his old high school buddies that had previously lost his wife. He and I use to play basketball together but lost touch after graduation. “I felt horrible for him, and I remember how I didn’t know what to say to him. After some time, I found myself thinking how, given his loss, he was aware of what I was going through and might be able to help me make sense out of what was going on with me.” We spoke on the phone and exchanged a few emails. That was all I needed to keep me going a little while longer.” Chris adds, “Just knowing that there are other people out there like me helped. “I didn’t need to become best friends or go out for coffee every day so that we could share stories. I just needed to know they were there if needed.” I asked widower and subject matter expert Catholic priest Rev. Gregg Elliott, if he thought men had difficulty reaching for help? “I had always been taught to be the rock regardless of the situation,” says Father Elliott. “In the military, where I spent twenty-eight years, men are taught to be not so much self-sufficient but sufficiently strong enough to handle whatever came along. It is part of the grieving process that men, over time, will reach the stage when they recognize how they need help.” The realization of the need causes the widower to muster the courage necessary to reveal his need to the appropriate relief source to secure the desired assistance. Grieving will take its toll on the best of men—those who hope to recover need to mimic the behaviors of our sports heroes. Identify your coaches, your mentors, and your advocates, and then, for Pete’s sake, listen to them. Widowers eager to receive group coaching are encouraged to join the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a free and private Facebook (men only) page for widowers and caregivers of seriously ill spouses. Now, where’s did I put my whistle and clipboard.

    Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widowers, a professional speaker, and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey. Available at Amazon.com in paperback and all digital formats. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network (WidowersSupportNetwork.com), featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men only, and a second Facebook page, which is open to the general public at Widowers Support Network. Herb hosts the Widowers Journey Podcast, available on all podcast hosting services. Contact at herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com.

    Copyright 2019 Widowers Support Network LLC
    Proof Copy

  • Widowers Need To Step Out of The Shadows and Into the Light of Day

    By Herb Knoll

    Author: The Widower’s Journey

    Grieving men are misunderstood. And for a good reason. After all, men don’t believe they have permission to grieve in the first place. When a man experiences a loss, they frequently resort to their primitive behaviors, suggesting to those who will listen, “I’m fine,”  Oh really?  Is that why you sit in front of your TV, endlessly watching programming you have little to no interest in watching, frequently falling asleep in your darkened home, and your half-finished pre-fab frozen dinner resting on your belly. Is that how you define “fine?” I can relate.

    For months following the passing of my wife, I would go to work at the headquarters of the bank at which I worked at 4AM (banks don’t open until 9AM).  Upon my arrival, I would tune in my favorite radio station that played one love (sad) song after another. I was usually the last to leave the bank about 7PM, just in time to get home to another tasteless meal I stockpiled in my freezer, just to do it all again the next morning. This went on for four months until one day, a young female staff member entered my office with an important message for me. “The entire floor misses your laughter.” WHOA!  Say that again. My wake-up call had arrived. My behavior following the passing of my wife was precisely like that which I now routinely witness in others as I lead the Widowers Support Network. 

    It’s as though grieving men become comfortable in their grief, seldom accepting invitations to join others attending a gathering of one sort or another, refusing to see a doctor when they experience aches and pains, including what they know to be behaviors symptomatic of one who is depressed and is at risk. Yet they will continue offering lame phrases in their own defense. Some believe they can’t expose their vulnerability and are waiting to be rescued. One widowed man once said to me, “It’s not manly to talk with you about my grief.” How sad.  

    J. Scott Janssen, MSW, writing for Social Work Today offers, “I’ve known plenty of men who fit the stereotype: emotionally controlled, disinclined to talk about matters of the heart, as apt to seek out solitude as connection, focusing on action rather than talk.” Janssen adds, “there is evidence that men are more likely than women to remain silent or grieve in isolation, engage in action-oriented forms of grief expression, or lose themselves in distractions such as work or throwing themselves into a new relationship. And you have to know, more than one man has become the victim of a predator woman. 

    Given time, many widowers will relive portions of their past life with their wife, including the days they served as caregivers, mentally cataloging all of the ways they failed their deceased wife, convinced she left this world thinking their husband must not have loved them. Guilt sets in… giving the widower even more reasons to cocoon, almost barracking themselves behind the draped covered windows of their home.

    Yes, widowed men practice 1cocooning, a term coined in 1981 by futurist and best selling author Faith Popcorn; defined as “staying inside one’s home, insulated from perceived danger, instead of going out.” Widowed men will frequently retreat to the confines of their fortresses (aka residences), opting to “tough it out alone.”  

    Men electing to cocoon place themselves at risk, of isolationism from critically needed relationships and significant health risks, increasing the likelihood of self-abuse, including the use of alcohol, legal or ill-legal drugs, and more.  As if those risks were not enough, research has shown how 65% of widowed men and women are likely to have a life-threatening illness within one year of their spouse’s death. Still, more research suggests how widowers have a suicide rate 3-4 times that of married men. Beneath these risks is the notion, many widowed men hold that their new life is devoid of relevance. 

    Widowers and those who are concerned about a widower who may be cocooning have several options they can call upon while in search of answers.

    When widower John Von Der Haar was asked, “What was the best thing that happened to you during your grief journey?,” John replied, “When I told my family and friends, ‘I’m fine, leave me alone with my thoughts, they ignored my instructions and forced their way into my life and I am so grateful they did.’” Friends and family take note: don’t let a widower cocoon.  Force your way into their life if necessary. 

    Commenting in my book, The Widower’s Journey, Dr. Deborah Carr of Boston University said, 

    2 “The importance of social support cannot be overstated; for widowhood as well as many other stressors we face in life, having a confidante – even just one close friend – can do a world of good.”  Carr continued, “Both close-knit friendships and confidantes can be useful for heart-to-heart talks, but we also benefit from more-casual acquaintances that are just fun.  These can be clubs, men’s groups, sports teams, and the like.” As an example, my stepson, Jacques (23 years of age at the time), and I went to a minor league baseball game with my colleagues from the Farm Bureau Bank.

    Not only are activities great for social contact but they can also be a great way to establish a new identity or rediscover an old identity that might have been put on the shelf while the widower was caring for their dying wife.  For instance, widower Keith Merriam got back into the Society for Creative Anachronism, an international history group that studies and recreates Medieval European cultures and their histories. Keith also sought out and joined a community theater group.  If you enjoy painting, take an art class.  Love to read? Join a book group. Athletic? Find a softball or basketball league you can join.

    Other recommended options are for you to volunteer in support of the efforts to help others stricken with the same ailment your wife suffered from. Help organize a walk/run to raise needed research funds or visit hospital rooms of those who have no one to visit them.

    Still struggling with the notion of venturing beyond your front door, let your supporters know you would welcome their involvement in discovering what works for you. Remember, allowing someone else into your life, allowing them to be of service, helps them grieve too.

    If you find yourself barricaded behind your four walls still, you may want to see your primary physician as you may suffer from a medical condition that requires attention. Enroll in a grief group like GriefShare.  Their program is widely available across America.  If you’re a bit shy, consider viewing Walking Through Grief, an educational nine-disc DVD series offering hope to the bereaved that you can watch in the privacy of your cocoon. See www.thegrieftoolbox.com.   

    But whatever you do, cocooning widowers need to get up off their sofas, open their blinds and walk outside. 

    1. Wikipedia
    2. The Widower’s Journey 

    Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widowers, professional speaker and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey.  Available at Amazon.com in paperback and in all digital formats. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network (WidowersSupportNetwork.com) featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men only, and a second Facebook page which is open to the general public at Widowers Support Network.  Contact Herb at herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com.     

  • Widowers – Overlook Again

    By Herb Knoll, Author: The Widower’s Journey

    When asked, few people can name even one man who has been widowed. After a few moments of additional thought, many are likely to say, “Oh wait a minute, I do know one.  He lives down the street.” When I presented the same question to a friend of mine, he failed to recall how his own father was himself widowed. As remarkable as it may appear, few Americans can name more than one U.S. president who has been widowed, yet over one-third of our presidents have been widowed (sixteen in total).  Widowed men reside in the shadows of our communities.  Want more proof?  American’s love movies – yet few can recall how actor Mel Gibson practically built his action-hero career on exacting vengeance from being a widower—not exactly a healthy way to deal with loss. He did it in the Middle Ages in Braveheart, during the Revolutionary War in The Patriot, and as a cop in Lethal Weapon, 1 through 4.  Look around you.  While you may not know a widower today, you will soon, for one in five men you know will eventually be widowed. And unless things change, they will be soon forgotten. Sadly, this failure by society to recognize those men who have been widowed, not to mention their needs has become an international norm.  

    No other testament to this view was more poignant than the actions of the United Nations when on December 22, 2010, the United Nations 65th General Assembly unanimously adopted a resolution establishing June 23rd as International Widows Day.  To be celebrated annually, this global day of action was intended to raise awareness about the cultural discrimination of widows. We all should applaud the actions of the United Nations in their effort to raise awareness about the needs of widows around the world, but what of the men who have been widowed?  What of their needs.

    Not to diminish the pain and suffering of countless windows on all seven continents, the actions of the United Nations mirrors the efforts – or lack thereof – of societies around the world; Men are held to a different set of standards versus women after they experience the loss of a spouse.  Women are more likely to be comforted while widowed men are expected to “get over it.”  Couple the general view that men are tough and don’t need grief support with the fact that few resources are ever crafted to comfort and assist widowed males specifically, its no wonder widowers face so many significant challenges.  Challenges most are ill-prepared to deal with including substance abuse to career self-destruction, from difficulty reconciling with their higher-power to their financial ruin, isolation, grief and severe health concerns.  In addition to an increased rate of diabetes and hypertension, widowers have a suicide rate that is 3-4 times greater than that of married men.  In spite of all of these facts and more, widowed men are left primarily to their own resources.  I personally experienced this phenomenon following the death of my wife in 2008 at the age of 52, at my local Barnes and Noble bookstore.  As I approached the customer service counter, I inquired what they may have available that could help me as a new widower deal with my grief.  The clerk politely entered the word “widower” into his computer’s search engine and then looked up at me saying, “Mister, I don’t have a damn thing for you.”  You have got to be kidding me.  

    It was at that precise moment I decided to write a book for widowers. The book, The Widowers Journey – Helping Men Rebuild After Their Loss (2017)(Amazon.com).  When my literary agent shopped the manuscript around over thirty New York publishers, she was repeatedly told that “Men don’t buy books.”  As a result, the publishing community doesn’t accept manuscripts written for widowed men.  Again, the needs of the widower next door are ignored.  

    While the United Nations and New York’s publishers have failed widowers around the world,  they are not alone.  In the United State alone there are 2.7 million widowers with 420,000 new widowers each year.  In spite of this vast community of poorly served sufferers, our houses of worship, as well as our employers, have failed them.  From the medical community to our governments (local, state and federal), and even our friends and families, each has failed to do their part in addressing the needs of widowers everywhere.  The absence of meaningful resources, let alone awareness about the pain and suffering widowers endure is heart-wrenching, perhaps even sinful. 

    And even if those who are in a position to act don’t wish to do so for humanitarian reasons, they should do so because it is in the best interest of all parties to ensure this segment of our population is healthy, functional and contributing to society. 

    It begins with all interested parties doing their part starting today.  And that beginning can be on the floor of the United Nations General Assembly who, like many others, failed our world’s widowers. 

    In the famous words of Gandhi, “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

    Herb Knoll is an Advocate for Widowers, a Professional Speaker and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey.  Available at Amazon.com in paperback and all digital formats.  

    Email: herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com   Web: WidowersSupportNetwork.com

    Facebook: Widowers Support Network – Members Only and at Widowers Support Network

  • Helping Your Children Communicate

    As a widower, you know that you are not the only one grieving. Following the passing of your wife, pain is endured by many, such as your wife’s parents, siblings, relatives, neighbors, co-workers, fellow parishioners, or friends. Their grief can be as intense as what you experience, and this is especially true for children. Being the surviving parent of grieving children is yet another challenge you may face, and sometimes it is the most challenging role of all. You need to understand that role and help tend to your children’s grief while you tend to your own. It may be especially critical for men who are fathers to young children.
    The challenges are many, from communication to obstacles you may face, to how to handle questions or issues your children may have if you start dating. And there are many others, so be prepared as they are sure to arise.
    Just as there is no single way to grieve, there is no one way to become a single, supportive parent. But I will propose one hard-and-fast rule: Be open. Men who suppress their emotions hurt or permanently stunt their recovery. And experts tell us that as you deal with grief yourself, openly and honestly, you are also helping your children. Nothing is gained by suppressing or hiding your recovery; it can become detrimental. Says clinical psychologist Edward Zimmer: “If the widower cannot allow for expressing and processing his grief, then he will inhibit that process for his children. This unresolved grief will have emotional consequences for both later in life.”
    And if that is not motivation enough, there is a silver lining to sharing. Professor Deborah Carr of Boston University says a mother’s death can bring fathers closer to their children. “Women are usually the ones who make the phone calls and that the kids expose what their feeling in their hearts. Often a husband will just say, ‘Talk to your mother.’ But when the mother is gone, they may see a real increase in the level of closeness with their kids.”
    That was the experience of widower Chris Sweet, who said playing dual-parent roles was difficult, but it bought him and his three children closer. “I was close with my kids before, but we bonded further. It was a tough time for us, but I always made sure that we enjoyed our time together. We were able to laugh, and we had as much fun as we could have.”
    Of course, how you support your children (or how children support you) varies based on the child’s age. Here’s one good example. While adult children are often a source of support for older widowers, young children are often confused, traumatized, or scared by a mother’s death.
    Dr. Bruce Perry, M.D., Ph.D., of the Child Trauma Center in Houston, Texas, and an authority on brain development, offered this lesson. “Most children do not know what to expect following the loss of a family member or friend,” and he encourages people not to be afraid to speak with the children. “When discussing this issue with children, be sure to use age-appropriate language and explanations. As the child gets further away from the event, they will be able to focus longer, digest more, and make more sense of what has happened.
    Not all communications with children go as planned. Should a widower’s interactions with their children break down, the widower may want to seek professional help. “Some families may benefit from a few family therapy sessions,” says Dr. Carr, “as it gives them a safe space to have a conversation led and moderated by an expert.
    Remember, if you are a widower, you are not the only one who is grieving. By proactively engaging your children in their grief, you will be contributing to your recovery.

    Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widowers, a professional speaker, and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey. Available at Amazon.com in paperback and all digital formats. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network (WidowersSupportNetwork.com), featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men, and a second Facebook page which is open to the general public at Widowers Support Network. Herb is also the host of the Widower’s Journey Podcast featured on iTunes and other podcast networks. Contact Herb at herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com.

    2019 Copyright – Widower’s Support Network LLC
    Proof Copy

  • Syndicated Columnist Ellen Martin Interviews Herb Knoll

    https://www.uexpress.com/smart-moves/2019/4/3/moving-after-a-spouse-dies

  • Angels Walk Among Us

    by Herb Knoll

    Author: The Widower’s Journey

    “Hi, my name is Richard.” Thus began my knowing a giant of a man named Richard Blount (62) as he sat down in the chair beside me. The occasion was my first meeting at GriefShare, a widely available program for those who have experienced a loss in their life.  I was attending the program as part of the research I was conducting for my then soon-to-be-released book, The Widowers Journey. 

    I would soon come to realize that Richard, a native of Tampa, Florida, was no ordinary man. Built like a linebacker from your favorite football team, Richard is also a giant of a man in another way.  You see, Richard loves people … especially children. He loves children so much, he and his previous wife had two children, Rebecca (35), and Matthew (34). When Richard married Terri in 1991, her three children, Joshua (37), Ryan (36), and Tyler (35), joined the family.  

    As deeply religious people, both Richard and Terri felt a calling from the Almighty to do more in the service of those in need. “We prayed over it,” says Richard. “We then decided to become foster parents.” Once approved by the State of Florida and over some time, Richard and Terri, opened their loving home to forty foster children. You heard me; forty. 

    As any foster parent will tell you, foster parents become very attached to the children they are asked to care for as their own until the day a court orders otherwise. This sense of attachment caused Richard and Terri to adopt five of their foster children, Alex (19), Ricky (15), Sarah (14), Abigail (12), and Jacob (9), two of whom have special needs (autism and bipolar disorder). Ten children in all, each showered with love in the Richard and Terri Blount home.

    When asked why he and Terri felt a need to serve as parents to ten children, Richard replied, “You’ll have to ask the Lord that question. He placed it in our hearts to care for his children.” 

    Tragedy struck when Terri passed away, leaving Richard as a single Dad with 10 children, ranging in ages from 1 ½ to 30.  As a widower, Richard needed time to grieve the loss of his wife Terri, but he had little time to do so.  After all, he had ten children who needed him, a house to maintain, and a career he desperately needed to preserve if he was to provide for eleven people, including himself. Again, Richard turned to the Almighty for strength and direction. Believing no prayers go unanswered, it wouldn’t take long before Richard would meet Cheri (63).  

    A widow with four children, Jenny (42), Jason (40), Lizzy (38), and Michelle (37), Cheri‘s life parallels Richard’s in several ways, including having served as a foster parent with her deceased husband Jim to over 100 foster children. Also like Richard and Terri, Cheri and Jim adopted some of their foster children, six to be exact, Lucy (24), Kayla (23), Emma (14), Daniel (12), Izabella (10) and Isaiah (9), three of whom have special needs.

    “I prayed the Lord would point me in the direction of a man that I could love and who loves children,” said Cheri.  Once introduced, the chemistry between Richard and Cheri was immediate. It didn’t take long before Richard asked Cheri to marry him, bringing the total number of children in their now consolidated household to twenty. Yes… TWENTY CHILDREN, several of who have special needs.  With so many children residing in their home, one of their neighbors complained to the local authorities that Cheri and Richard were forming a “group home.” Cheri said, “I can’t help myself, I love babies, and I love God.” 

    “We’re a good team,” added Cheri. Indeed. But their union did not come without significant sacrifices.  At 62 years of age, Richard is unable to retire for another ten years.  “We look at people our age who are empty nesters, enjoying their senior years realizing we won’t be able to retire until we’re in our 70s,” Cheri added.  “At times, I feel as though I have lost my identity, I had to quit my career as a nurse.” Cheri went on to say, “It was all worth it.” Richard added, “We make time for ourselves and our marriage, which includes a date night every Saturday.” He went on to add how the date may be a simple meal at a local diner or perhaps they’ll take in a movie.    

    When asked what surprises arose raising 20 children, Richard said, “I’m surprised I could do it. I’ve become more humbled by the blessings I have received, including being able to provide our twenty children with a stable home and a sense of belonging to a family that loves them; I have also become closer to my Lord.” 

    Today, Cheri and Richard live in suburban Orlando, Florida with nine of their twenty children, the youngest who is just nine years old, including several with special needs. 

    Widowed, and faced with the responsibility of raising twenty children, Cheri and Richard have plenty of reasons to be angry, even jealous of others, yet they choose to celebrate the lives of their deceased spouses by gracefully touching the lives of Our Lord’s children.

    Cheri and Richard didn’t stop there.  When it was time to acquire a therapy dog for their children with special needs, you guessed it, Cheri and Richard adopted a beautiful Golden Retriever named Mr. Wilson (4) from an animal rescue center. Did I mention that Richard was at the GriefShare meeting on the evening I first met him because he volunteers as one of the program’s facilitators? Some people just never stop giving to others.

    Are there Angels walking among us?  Say hello to Angels Cheri and Richard Blount. 

    (Ages shown are as of May 2019)

    Pictured are Cheri and Richard along with 17 of their 20 children along with assorted spouses and grandchildren

    Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widowers, a professional speaker and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey.  Available at Amazon.com in paperback and in all digital formats. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network (WidowersSupportNetwork.com) featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men, and a second Facebook page which is open to the general public at Widowers Support Network.  Contact Herb at  herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com.  

    Attention Widowers and Men who are serving as Caregivers

    Apply today to join the Widowers Support Network – Members Only (WSN-MO) on Facebook. WSN-MO is a FREE private page exclusively open to MEN who have lost their wife or life-partner; men who are currently serving as caregivers for a seriously ill spouse or life-partner; and other good-hearted men who wish to help assist and comfort them.  

    Copyright 2019  Widower’s Support Network