The Widowers Journey

Category: Dating

  • Tired of being alone? Maybe it’s time to try dating again.

    Whether you’re a divorcee, a widowed man, have never married or even been in a committed relationship, you may someday tire of being alone. I completely understand. You see, I have been in your shoes as have millions of other men.  As a result, there are many lessons and best practices for you to go to school on as you emerge from  your “cave.”

    Men have various reasons for wanting a new friend. Some men hope to discover love while others are happy having someone who can cook meals or care for them should they ever become ill. Others are lonely, usually the result of a divorce or the death of their spouse and desire someone with whom they can share a bed. Others are wounded following an unwanted breakup, or they are a veteran of a previous romantic experience gone bad; causing them to shy away from ever exposing their emotions or their wallets to more pain.  As a result, they forego any future entanglements. To them, it’s just not worth it.  Like the women they seek, men too have their own motives. 

    Others see a real upside to dating and are willing to give it another try.  And when they do, they like moving things along pretty fast, but they would be better advised to be a bit more patient. Through my years of research, I have found men in these situations to at times be a bit impulsive, a behavior that triggers potentially devastating errors in judgment. There are many risks associated with late-in-life dating. From the emotional dangers of rejection to the financial risks presented by a woman who has predatory motives, dating can have its downsides. But that should not deter a single or widowed man from seeking a companion and more.  Dating can be exciting.  It’s fun, but it can complicate one’s life, so go about it with your common sense fully engaged; moving forward with intent and purpose.

    Where does an eligible man begin?

    If you are considering re-entering the dating scene, you first need to understand your own motives. What is missing in your life; a partner or a hot date? Do you seek the companionship of a woman of deep faith, an intellectual who can debate the issues of the day or someone who can make you laugh and has a great figure? I know, I know… you want all of the above. But what are your MUST WANTS?  You need to know them and then look for them in those you meet. Example: During one’s life, we all accumulate baggage. If you are asking a new companion to accept your baggage, are you willing to embrace hers?  

    When I decided to seek a new life companion, I subscribed to the online dating service, eHarmony.com. Be aware not all online dating services are created equal. Fortunate for me, eHarmony paired me with a computer engineer named Maria.  Maria subscribed to eHarmony herself because she happened to know the psychologist that designed eHarmony’s matching software, and he confirmed how it was scientifically valid.  I suspect not all online dating services can make the same claim. Maria and I were married one year later. 

    My mother once said to me, “If you want to meet a nice girl, go to church!” Regardless of your beliefs, my mother’s advice is worthy of consideration.

    Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widowers, professional speaker and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey.  Available at Amazon.com in paperback and in all digital formats. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network LLC (WidowersSupportNetwork.com) featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men only, and a second Facebook page which is open to the general public at Widowers Support Network. Herb also hosts the lively and popular Widowers Journey Podcast, which followers in 44 countries. See: Contact Herb at herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com.     

    A Dating Checklist for Senior Males

    1. Know yourself
      1. What void in your life are you attempting to fill? Lover, cook, travel partner, caretaker for you, etc.
      1. Are you emotionally ready for a relationship?
    2. Identify your Must Haves and your Never Wants
      1. Children? A smoker/drinker? Someone younger? Someone healthy? Someone who is financially self-sufficient?
    3. Clean-up
      1. Women prefer men who take care of themselves physically as well as visually. Are you fit?
      1. Never invite a woman into a cluttered or messy residence.      
    4. Define your dating strategy
      1. Consider the services of a dating coach.
      1. Blind dates?
      1. If you use an online service, be honest when answering their questionnaire. 
      1. Join groups or volunteer where you are likely to meet others possessing common interests.
    5. Never Compare
      1. Never compare your dates with your deceased bride. Enjoy that which is unique about her. (Besides, you would not like being compared to her previous mate.)
    6. Get off the sofa
      1. Be where people are found; civic and public events, at a house of worship or clubs.
    7. Be honest about your intentions
      1. Don’t say you’re the “marrying type” if you are not.
    8. Read
      1. Purchase Abel Keogh’s book, The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers
    9. Enjoy the moment
      1. Plan dates that both you and your new friend will genuinely enjoy.Some of the most enjoyable dates don’t have to cost anything.
      1. First dates over lunch at a favorite restaurant make for a safe environment for both parties.

    … And enjoy the moment!

  • Finding Ms. Right.

    By Herb Knoll

    Author: The Widower’s Journey

    Dating and finding Mrs. Right is not my expertise but I have a few thoughts on the topic. 

    1. What are you looking for? A wife? Someone to keep your life organized and your house clean. A lover? A spouse? Or just a replacement? 

    Given what you truly are looking for, is there sufficient reason for any woman to say, “That’s for me!” If not, you have some work to do. 

    2. Why are you comparing your deceased bride with other women? Is that really fair? After all, you had a lifetime to get to know your wife. And I’m sure not every moment was perfect. Anyone new is competing with a legend. Do you want women to compare you to their late husband’? As one widower said in my book, The Widower’s Journey, “The way my girlfriend describes her deceased husband, he was perfect, and I’m not.” 

    2. Are you a good catch? Fit? Healthy? Financially secure? What makes you think so? Are you fun to be with? WSN Relationship Coach Christine Baumgartner writes terrific columns every other Thursday. Have you taken her advice to heart? 

    Like most men, women who aren’t attracted to you aren’t going to try very hard to win your heart. So… look in a mirror. Take inventory. What Babbage are you asking a woman to buy into? Is there a need for a few corrective measures? 

    If you need assistance packaging up what you have to offer, Christine is a great resource. Write her care of the contact points provided in her bi-weekly column titled, The Perfect Catch. 

    My new bride is very different from my deceased wife… yet I learned to love them both? 

    Where are you looking for love? 
    Bars? I hope not? Blind dates? Perhaps. I met my wife on eHarmony. My new wife is a PhD computer engineer. She personally knows the man who designed eHarmony. When she decided that she wanted to meet men, she called her friend and inquired if the science built into eHarmony was valid. He replied it was. Not all online dating services can say that about their services. As a client my self, I will tell you I had several very promising dates before I met my current wife. The key is, you need to be brutally honest when completing their questionnaire. 

    Every woman is different. To hold them is different. To kiss is different. Each will offer you pluses and minuses as you will them. And that difference can be exciting. 

    A few years ago, I wrote a song that has since been recorded by three NASHVILLE singer songwriters. It’s titled, “Love You Different.” It is a story about a widower singing to widow. Among the lyrics he sings, 
    “🎼 I won’t ask you to forget him, I wouldn’t even try. I know how you feel because I lost my Angel too. But I will love you different.”

    Your next love may be very different from what you had in your marriage. And I think that is good. 

    Cherish the memories you have, but don’t miss out on the next opportunity your journey will present. 

    If you would like a free copy of my song, “Love You Different,”write me at herb@widowerssupportnetwork.com. 

    Dionne Warwick once sang, “you’ll loose tomorrow reaching back for yesterday”

  • Dear Abby Missed the Mark

    DEAR ABBY: My wife died of cancer four years ago. She was my best friend, and the pain of losing her was more than I could cope with. I was in a fog for about two years, just going through the motions.Eventually the fear of spending the next 20 to 30 years alone drove me to try internet dating. I met some nice women and some very strange ones, but nothing came of it.  Then a year ago, an old friend introduced me to “Elaine.” We hit it off immediately. We share the same interests and offbeat sense of humor, and I have grown fond of her. She’s intelligent, kind and easy on the eyes. Our grown kids get along very well.

    Our mutual friend told me that Elaine said she loves me and would be thrilled if I proposed — I guess to encourage me to the next level. My problem is, I’m still in love with my late wife.  If Elaine one day tells me she loves me, how do I respond without hurting her feelings or making her withdraw? I can see myself loving her in the future, but I am still silently mourning my wife. I don’t want to chase Elaine away, so please tell me what to do. — NEW YORK WIDOWER

    DEAR WIDOWER: You and Elaine appear to have a communication problem. You are both adults. If she has fallen in love with you, you shouldn’t have to hear it from a mutual friend.  You owe it to her to have a frank talk with her because she needs to know that you don’t intend to remarry until you are over the loss of your late wife. She may decide to stick it out and wait or, as you say, decide to move on. But at least she’ll know what she’s dealing with.  It might also be a good idea for you to consult a grief therapist. Because if you do, it may make it easier for you to move forward with your life.
    ____________________________________________

    Dear Ms. Phillips (Abby):
    I read with great interest your recent column titled Widower Not Ready for Romance with Friend.”  As the founder of the Widowers Support Network and the author of the new breakout book titled The Widower’s Journey, I thought I would offer a few suggestions that you may wish to share with your readers.
    Background:  “Mister I don’t have a damn thing for you.”  These were the words spoken to me by the clerk at my local Barnes & Noble bookstore after my bride of sixteen years, Michelle (52) died after battling pancreatic cancer for thirty-nine months. I knew I needed help and was devastated when I couldn’t find it.  It was at this precise moment that I knew I had to write a book designed to comfort and assist the 420,000 new widowers in America each year.
    Finally, a book is written for widowers, by widowers (over 40 of them).  And for good measure, I recruited fifteen subject matter experts volunteered their sage advice over nine years of research and writing.  The Widower’s Journey was released in April of this year and is available on Amazon.com in both paperback and in digital formats.
    Your inquiry from New  York Widower is tragic but unfortunately not unusual. He (and all of your readers) may find the following helpful.

    An excerpt from The Widower’s Journey – Chapter 7, Dating – Barriers.

    “Many men doubt that they have the capacity to love again or that their hearts have room for both the loving memories of their late wife and love for a new woman. Widower Harold Moran hit the nail on the head for me when he said, “Having a love so strong and pure and then losing it left me wondering if it was possible ever again to have what was lost.”
    “Plus, the memory of being a caregiver is a traumatic one, and the thought of being a caregiver again makes us hesitant. Following his experience as a caregiver, one contributing widower viewed a new relationship as a possibility of having to care for someone again until she dies. “That’s a big issue for me,” he admitted. “I would love again. I just don’t know that I’m ready to take on the responsibility of helping someone else in the process of dying.” Such thinking is on the minds of many. Being a caregiver once is hard enough.
    “And there is guilt. “I didn’t date anyone for months after my wife passed away,” said widower Steve Marquardt. “And when I finally did, I felt like I was cheating.” Some men receive a kind of permission, which can     be a blessing. Said widower John Heffernan: “Mary told me it was okay to be happy with someone else. And that such a day will come.”
    “As I said, one of my major reservations was guilt over seeing another woman after my years with Michelle. But the psychologist I saw reminded me how I was married before I married Michelle. Even though my first marriage ended in divorce after twelve years; I must have loved my first wife at some point.

    The human heart is capable of loving more than one person, and to love again doesn’t diminish or betray the love you once had.

                     “My brother Dave asked me an important question: “If you knew Michelle would die after 16 years, would you still have married her?” Of course, I said yes. David’s question taught me to draw circles around periods of my life. Having done so, I know I felt free to move on to the next.
    “Now we come to a delicate subject: What place should your late wife have in your life as you enter into a new relationship? A woman I know sought my advice when she discovered that her fiancé continued to write messages to his late wife on the Legacy.com website. It had been nearly ten years since his wife had died. One of the notes he posted said, “I still miss you dearly.”
    “Professor Carr says that “Just because a man is reminiscing about his former life doesn’t mean he loves his new girlfriend or    spouse any less. But he needs to be able to integrate those two parts of his life. Most experts agree that holding on to memories of the deceased loved one is healthy. Looking at photos and even having imaginary conversations (‘What would my late wife say about this?’) can be a source of support and solace. Memories of a late wife should enhance rather than impede a widower’s life.”
    “However, she cautions that if these memories prevent a widower from fully engaging in his everyday life—things like dating, going to work, visiting with friends, and developing plans for the future—then such continuing bonds are a problem.
    “A new partner needs to understand that a previous relationship is part of the fabric of someone’s life, Dr. Carr says. “Even if a widower or widow doesn’t discuss their deceased spouse with their new partner, they still may wish to re-tell a story about how they had a difficult health care decision to make, a problem with a doctor, or a bad experience when traveling to the hospital. A new partner should be a friend as well as a love interest, and friends should be able to talk honestly and openly about almost anything, without fear of judgment or the withholding of affection.”
    “Clinical psychologist Edward Zimmer explains that a type of emotional integration is essential for the widower to be able to love again. The widower needs to combine his memories, feelings and continuing connection to the deceased with his emotional experiences in his new relationship, and to see his loss as a part of his whole, new life. “He is a widower, but he could now be a second husband or stepfather. His loss is a part of who he is, and that loss should not be denied or otherwise split off from him.” Zimmer says a widower’s life with his previous partner should be recognized and accepted by his new partner, even if he chooses not to discuss it with her.
                “And once again we need to circle back to the importance of fully grieving. “A widower accomplishes this by allowing himself to grieve completely so it is psychologically unnecessary to split off or deny the emotional memories of his loss from his new emotional investment,” Zimmer says.“If this grief process is stymied and the new partner is seen as a replacement for the deceased, as opposed to a unique person in her own right, the new relationship will be compromised by the unprocessed feelings of grief.”