The Widowers Journey

Category: Finding Purpose

  • Playing Not To Lose

    by David W. Welday

    March Madness is here!  Whether or not you follow college basketball, it’s hard not to be aware that the NCAA college basketball tournament (affectionately known as “March Madness”) is happening.   

    In our family we all fill out a bracket…some of us take it seriously while others fill out their bracket just to be part of the fun.  I don’t know which teams will make the “sweet sixteen”, “final four” or who will eventually win the tournament, but what I can be pretty confident will happen at some point during the tournament, is there will be at least one team who gets knocked out not because the other team was superior but because they beat themselves.  We see it almost every season, one team has a comfortable lead going down the home stretch, and instead of turning on the gas, looking to put the other team away, they tighten up, begin to play more conservatively. They play not to lose.  The other team seizes the opportunity, the momentum of the game shifts and the team that was ahead ultimately loses.   

    We can see this play out in other areas – public policy for example.  Decisions are made not to advance our cause, promote democracy or exert influence in the world but rather to appease, not make waves and avoid conflict.     

    For sure, there are times when the wise strategy is to focus on defense more than offense – to keep your thoughts to yourself rather than push an issue.  Timing is everything.  But sometimes we need to stick to our guns, lead with conviction and press through a challenge rather than pull back.  There are times when you need to play to win, not just to avoid losing.  How do you know?   Every situation is different.  You may be dealing with a relationship issue, a business issue, a priority issue or something else.  Here are some thoughts to help guide you.   

    Convenience or Consequence – If you choose to hold back and not press a point, that will likely be more convenient.  Most people don’t like conflict and pressing your point or pushing an agenda may create conflict.  But what are the consequences if you don’t contend for what you believe is best?   

    Some decisions may not be that important.  Yes, you really think the walls of the new office or family room should be beige instead of grey. But if you surrender to grey, will that impact productivity all that much?  Will the peaceful resolution bring more benefit not just to you but to all involved, than holding out to get your way?     

    On the other hand, what if you are convinced the person being considered for hire is not the right person for the job?  Making a bad hire could cost the company untold amounts of money in lower productivity or having to redo work that was done wrong.   

    Being Right or Relationship – Maybe your point of view is correct.  You have insight, experience or expertise that causes you to be 100% confident you are right.  But the person you are dealing with is more emotionally fragile and overriding their decision could send them into a tailspin of self-doubt or deprecation.  Sometimes keeping the peace or putting the needs and feelings of others ahead of coming to the “right solution” is a greater win than actually winning your point.  Maybe standing your ground will cause others to think less of you, but the stakes are high enough that you need to play to win and just not save face.   

    Yes, we need to be conscious of not pulling back and playing not to lose – SOMETIMES.  And sometimes, the greater win comes from holding back in order to let the other person shine – the other team win, the less-than-ideal solution be the one you go with.   

    Pay attention to when you find yourself in those situations where you have to internally decide whether to play for the win – to press your point and when the better strategy is to pull back.  May you make the wise decision every time!   
    _______________________________________________________
    David W.Welday III is the president of HigherLife Publishing and Marketing in Orlando, Florida.  

    Article reprinted with permission

  • Familiar Places

    Familiar Places

    I know this happens to you.  As you travel around your town, you pass by many places that were once either special or routine to you and your late wife.  If you’re like me, sometimes you pass by them absentmindedly.  Other times it brings tears to your eyes.

    For me, the places are within a five-mile radius of my house.  Most are on our primary thoroughfare in Ballwin, Missouri, where I’ve lived for the past 39 years.  It’s a four-lane highway with numerous shops, stores, gas stations, and eating establishments.  It’s a typical American suburban landscape.

    Regardless of my travel direction, I’m bombarded by decades of memories.  Jan and I frequented every restaurant on that highway.  We hit them all many times.  There is not a drug store, a supermarket, a park, or a gas station, etc., that escaped us.  If I let my thoughts wander, I can see us in each one of those places on numerous occasions.  I can “hear” our conversations.  I can see her lovely face with her million-dollar smile that used to light up a room.  I can’t see when her life was ebbing in those memories.  The memories are all happy ones.

    It was tough enough for me when I would pass these establishments when she was an invalid at home being attended to by her 24/7 caregivers while I was out.  I would get nostalgic for those happy times, knowing that we would never be able to experience them again.  But while lost in those thoughts, I knew she was still alive.

    Those were the days of anticipatory grief.  Many of you know exactly what I’m talking about.  But what I experienced after Jan died was much more intense.  These establishments took on a haunting quality.  It became tough for me to enter them.  Going to the supermarket, drugstore, and our local gas station can be gut-wrenching.  I see her in every aisle of our supermarket and drugstore.  I see her making herself a cup of hot tea at the local QuickTrip that I frequent for gas and coffee.

    I make myself go into these places with other people I know.  I act like there’s nothing unusual, but I can see tables in these establishments where we once happily sat.  I avoid sitting at certain tables.  I usually keep my pain to myself.  Just being in these familiar places is challenging enough.

    I catch myself talking to her as I drive by them, asking her if she remembers our stopping there in the past.  Telling her how happy I was with her doing even the simplest of things.  I chastise myself for how I thought that we had forever ahead of us in this life.  Sometimes I just sigh; other times, I weep.  At all times, I tell her how much I love her and miss her; and how I look forward to reuniting with her for eternity on her side of the veil.  More than anything, that keeps me going.

    I wish I could say that it has gotten easier for me, but that would not be true.  However, I’m able to accept the truth more readily, that she’s never coming back to me and that I must get on with what remains of my life.  Mercifully, I have a purpose to my life now that is divinely directed.  I tell God that I am his.  He is directing my hospice ministry.  My workload of mercy to other men who are caregivers and widowers is rapidly increasing.  There is plenty of demand, unfortunately.  I know that when my work is all completed, he will gently call me home.  I tell him that I trust in him and that she will be there to greet me when I cross over.

    When Jan and I were young—dating and newly married- we enjoyed sitting and listening to The Lettermen sing old songs in perfect harmony.  One of their best songs was from the World War II era: “I’ll Be Seeing You.”  There were millions of goodbyes going on when that song was popular.  Tens of thousands never got the blessing of saying hello again.  That song is ever more poignant to me now.

    “I’ll be seeing you in all the old familiar places,

    That this heart of mine embraces all day through.

    In that small café, the park across the way,

    The children’s carousel, the chestnut trees, the wishing well.

    I’ll be seeing you in every lovely summer’s day,

    In everything that’s light and gay, I’ll always think of you that way.

    I’ll find you in the morning sun, and when the night is new.

    I’ll be looking at the moon, but I’ll be seeing you.”

    Someone once said that grief never goes away; rather, life has a way of filling in around it.  That’s what is happening to me now.  I’m blessed.  A purpose-driven life is, indeed, filling in around my grief.  I hope you have found—or are finding- purpose in your new life and that it’s also filling in around your grief.

    Michael Burroughs is the author of Moving Mountains.  He lives in St. Louis, Missouri.

  • Serving others can heal your broken heart.

    It’s true! No matter how painful your grief may be, getting up and off the couch and into your community to serve others is guaranteed to make you feel better. Whether you volunteer for the fire department or the Red Cross, become a scout leader or work in a soup kitchen, serving others will energize your heart as it searches for joy.

    About 2 1/2 years ago, while volunteering at my church during their annual fall festival when a fellow parishioner approached me and asked, “Have you ever considered joining the Knights of Columbus?” I replied no, but I would be willing to consider doing so. I ended up joining the KofC and have enjoyed working side by side with some terrific gentlemen on a wide variety of volunteer efforts, not to mention having an opportunity to serve my Lord and his church.

    Recently, the members of KofC Council 12761 honored me by electing me as their Chancellor. I assumed my new duties last evening during a special ceremony held at my church.

    Why do I tell you all of this? Its to point out how serving others, no matter the organization or environment in which it is orchestrated will brighten your day. It gives widowed men “purpose,” and every man needs “purpose.”

    As we travel down our never-ending journey of grief, each widowed man will have moments when he can choose to accelerate his own healing. One of the ways to do so is in the service of others. After all, there is no greater reward than what one feels after they have done something for someone who can’t pay them back. Celebrate the ‘life’ the of your bride by living yours. The choice is yours.

    So what are your thoughts on this topic? Let’s hear from you.