The Widowers Journey

Category: Giving Support

  • KNOW A WIDOWER? – YOU BETTER KEEP AN EYE ON HIM

    Widowers are vulnerable.  Very vulnerable!  In fact, according to research by Dr. Justin Denney of Washington State University, widowed men have 1.6 to 2.0 times the risk of death by suicide compared to otherwise similar married men, and they will do so within two years of their wife’s death.  Still, another research suggests the rate may be even higher.  And that is just the beginning.  Widowers have an increased rate of diabetes, hypertension, and more.  Widowers are at risk of being diagnosed with depression, which can negatively impact virtually every aspect of their lives.  The challenges are many, from raising children to maintaining their career, handling personal finances, ongoing relationships with others, and dating.  Sadly, few men are equipped to handle any of these.

    “If we’re all going to die, why is it that we are so ill-prepared to deal with it?” said John Von Der Haar (68), who lost his wife, Mary Jane, in 2013.  Good question. 

    While there is no cut-and-dry answer, we can point to clues that have contributed to the problems widowers face.  From the time little boys are learning to walk, they are repeatedly told how “boys don’t cry” or “Be a man!” Much like our fathers and grandfathers who returned from wars, rarely speaking of their days in uniform, many widowed men do not believe they are allowed to cry or grieve outside our society’s shadows.  It is as though they are seeking permission to grieve.  They hold their feelings to themselves until they feel they can speak, offering common phrases such as “I’m OK; just leave me alone with my thoughts.” When family, friends, and colleagues leave a widower alone, they create an environment that will likely make the widower’s grief more challenging.   Frankly, it is the worst thing that can happen. 

    Master Sergeant Chris Sweet – USAF (ret) has worked with military personnel diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  A terrifying event triggers this mental health condition.  When asked if he thought widowers are at risk of PTSD diagnoses following the loss of their spouse, Sweet said, “Absolutely.” Sweet should know he lost his wife, Danielle (30), who contracted Leukemia in 2009 after the U.S. Air Force deployed her to Afghanistan.  According to Sweet, “All of the symptoms people living with PTSD experience are precisely what I went through following the passing of Danielle.  It’s no different.”

    Men need a purpose.  To provide, protect, and love their mate.  When a wife dies, many men seem to lose their reason for living, providing the basis for other problems to grow.   

    With so many problems facing widowers, you would think there would be a host of self-help materials available for them.  I felt so too.  That’s why I visited a large box book store following my wife Michelle’s passing in 2008.  “Mister, we don’t have a damn thing for you.” These were the words spoken to me by the clerk after he had searched his store’s database for available titles.  The fact is the publishing industry has abandoned men by their refusal to publish books that address the needs of men.  “Men don’t buy books,” multiple publishers have told me.  My response: “Men certainly can’t buy what isn’t on the shelf.”

    SOLUTION:  For all the reasons cited and more, I elected to leave my 38-year career in banking and dedicated my life to the comfort and support of widowers.  After nine years of research and writing, I published The Widower’s Journey in 2017.  The Widower’s Journey is a self-help book for widowers and those who love them, featuring candid advice and best practices expressed by over forty contributing widowers.  A team of experts from law, phycology, sociology, financial planning, religion, and more supports the contributing widowers.  The book’s contributors hail from across America and represent a cross-section of social, economic, and geographic backgrounds, as well as various circumstances surrounding the passing of their wives.

    If you are a widower, or should you know a widower that you want to comfort or assist, The Widower’s Journey is the perfect guide to give them.  Available on Amazon.com in paperback and all digital formats.

    You will also find additional support available at Widowers Support Network LLC (WSN).  There are three ways to access WSN resources, four of which are free.

    1.  Visit the WSN website at www.WidowersSupportNetwork.com.  It contains helpful information, including nearly 500 articles written by subject matter experts, Ph.Ds, authors, and widowed men.     

    2.  Join Widowers Support Network – Members Only on Facebook.  A private men’s only group page where widowers, caregivers, and subject matter experts support one another.  This Facebook page is a “Men’s Only” resource.

    3.  Listen to episodes of “Widowers Journey Podcast” (https://widowersjourney.libsyn.com) featuring outstanding guests and currently followed by widowers in forty-four countries.   

    By completing all three steps, you will receive numerous comforting suggestions, time-sensitive grief recovery tips, and best practices from widowed men and various experts.

    You are also encouraged to purchase The Widower’s Journey, my book that earns 4.5 stars on Amazon.  Available at Amazon.com in paperback, kindle, and audiobook.   

    Feel free to write me at herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com or by contacting my office at 615.579.8136.

    _______________________________________________________________________________________

    Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widowers, a professional speaker, and the author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey.  Available at Amazon.com in paperback and all digital formats.  Herb founded the Widower’s Support Network LLC (WidowersSupportNetwork.com), featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men, and a second Facebook page open to the general public at Widowers Support Network.  Contact Herb atherb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com. 

    Copyright 2023 Widower’s Support Network LLC (Proof)

  • Playing Not To Lose

    by David W. Welday

    March Madness is here!  Whether or not you follow college basketball, it’s hard not to be aware that the NCAA college basketball tournament (affectionately known as “March Madness”) is happening.   

    In our family we all fill out a bracket…some of us take it seriously while others fill out their bracket just to be part of the fun.  I don’t know which teams will make the “sweet sixteen”, “final four” or who will eventually win the tournament, but what I can be pretty confident will happen at some point during the tournament, is there will be at least one team who gets knocked out not because the other team was superior but because they beat themselves.  We see it almost every season, one team has a comfortable lead going down the home stretch, and instead of turning on the gas, looking to put the other team away, they tighten up, begin to play more conservatively. They play not to lose.  The other team seizes the opportunity, the momentum of the game shifts and the team that was ahead ultimately loses.   

    We can see this play out in other areas – public policy for example.  Decisions are made not to advance our cause, promote democracy or exert influence in the world but rather to appease, not make waves and avoid conflict.     

    For sure, there are times when the wise strategy is to focus on defense more than offense – to keep your thoughts to yourself rather than push an issue.  Timing is everything.  But sometimes we need to stick to our guns, lead with conviction and press through a challenge rather than pull back.  There are times when you need to play to win, not just to avoid losing.  How do you know?   Every situation is different.  You may be dealing with a relationship issue, a business issue, a priority issue or something else.  Here are some thoughts to help guide you.   

    Convenience or Consequence – If you choose to hold back and not press a point, that will likely be more convenient.  Most people don’t like conflict and pressing your point or pushing an agenda may create conflict.  But what are the consequences if you don’t contend for what you believe is best?   

    Some decisions may not be that important.  Yes, you really think the walls of the new office or family room should be beige instead of grey. But if you surrender to grey, will that impact productivity all that much?  Will the peaceful resolution bring more benefit not just to you but to all involved, than holding out to get your way?     

    On the other hand, what if you are convinced the person being considered for hire is not the right person for the job?  Making a bad hire could cost the company untold amounts of money in lower productivity or having to redo work that was done wrong.   

    Being Right or Relationship – Maybe your point of view is correct.  You have insight, experience or expertise that causes you to be 100% confident you are right.  But the person you are dealing with is more emotionally fragile and overriding their decision could send them into a tailspin of self-doubt or deprecation.  Sometimes keeping the peace or putting the needs and feelings of others ahead of coming to the “right solution” is a greater win than actually winning your point.  Maybe standing your ground will cause others to think less of you, but the stakes are high enough that you need to play to win and just not save face.   

    Yes, we need to be conscious of not pulling back and playing not to lose – SOMETIMES.  And sometimes, the greater win comes from holding back in order to let the other person shine – the other team win, the less-than-ideal solution be the one you go with.   

    Pay attention to when you find yourself in those situations where you have to internally decide whether to play for the win – to press your point and when the better strategy is to pull back.  May you make the wise decision every time!   
    _______________________________________________________
    David W.Welday III is the president of HigherLife Publishing and Marketing in Orlando, Florida.  

    Article reprinted with permission

  • An Open Letter To Newly Widowed Men

    Donated by Ed Hersch of Pearland, Texas, USA, in hopes that it will help others.

    Author Unknown.

    Dear Sons:

    We have all been through a most tragic situation, the loss of your dear Mother and my wife. Each of us are dealing with Mom’s passing in a different way. There is no right or wrong way, and some of us are seeking outside assistance to help us through this. Mom will always be with us, especially during the good times such as graduation, weddings and your future children. Life is not always fair or right, but this is not something we are able to control as much as we want to.I am sharing this email with you so as to provide you with a better insight on me and how I am dealing with the loss of your Mom. There are some statements which I am sure each of you can relate to for yourselves, but most are for me, the spouse. I need your support and we need to support each other.

    Love, Dad

    When you you suddenly find yourself without your spouse, you don’t know what to expect.Your world’s been turned upside down. Like the mighty oak caught in a fierce wind, you feel uprooted. Your feet don’t touch the ground. You think you’re crazy. But you’re not. You’re just a new widower. Your life is forever changed.Learning to expect the unexpected will help you get through this most painful time in your life.Here are a few things you need to know if you are to survive.

    1. Expect people to say stupid things. “Don’t worry, you’re young, you’ll meet someone new.” No matter your age, this will sting like a hot iron on raw flesh. Your mind is on your spouse and how to preserve your memories together. The thought of another person in your life too soon after your spouse’s death may cause you additional pain.
    2. Expect to be asked out – by your best friend’s wife. No your best friend won’t know. Yes – it’s a wacky world out there.
    3. Expect to look in the mirror and wander who you are now without your spouse? Treat yourself to the time to heal and find out.
    4. Expect to break down when you least expect it–at the sound of the doorbell, at the sound of the telephone, at the sight of a couple walking hand in hand. All too soon the reality of being without here comes and goes and then it really hits you.
    5. Expect to begin each day wondering how you made it through the day before. Be grateful for today and make it the best you can. After all — it’s your day!
    6. Expect to feel weak, strong, angery, happy, euphoric, glad, sad, guilty, alone, lonely, trapped,free, tired, bored, overworked, overwhelmed, silly, puzzled and even like you don’t belong. You have just experienced life at its worst. Everything will be okay. Think baby steps. Think, I can and think, I will. GIve yourself time.
    7. Expect all your friends to run away. They’re frightened too. And they just don’t know how to handle your situation or your grief. Seeing you dealing with the death of someone near and dear is just too close for comfort.
    8. Expect all your friends to come back. Give them time. The real ones do.
    9. Expect to find yourself standing in front of an open refrigerator at 3:00 in the morning studying the expiration date on a bottle of ketchup. Give yourself permission to process your grief any way you need to. It’s okay.
    10. Expect to laugh when the dog pees on the living room rug, when the garage door falls off its hinges, when the refrigerator makes a puddle on the kitchen floor, and when the woman next door goes out on a date — with the woman down the street. Your life is forever changed and so is your outlook. In the big picture, these things become minuscule.
    11. Expect to ask yourself questions that have no answers. What if? Why me? Now what? When?
    12. Expect to make plans to run away.
    13. Expect to cancel them, because you realize there is no place to run away to forever.
    14. Expect there will be moments when you just wish for a giant eraser to erase it all away.
    15. Expect the pain to never end. It won’t. But in time you will learn how to manage it. That’s a promise.
    16. Expect there to be time when you do not sleep.
    17. Expect there will be times when you can’t focus.
    18. Expect there will be times when you don’t want to eat. In the beginning you won’t be able to enjoy food. But it is important to drink plenty of fluids. If nothing else, drink water to keep your kidneys flush. Nourish and take care of our body — you need your strength to heal.
    19. Expect to eac too much.
    20. Expect to not be in the mood for all the things you once were in the mood for. Imagine the new possibilities as you discover who you now are.
    21. Expect the sun to come out tomorrow, the daffodils to sprout in spring, every bird on the planet to sing, every oak, elm, and cottonwood to shed its leave in the autumn, the moon to glow, the stars to twinkle, the earth to spin on its axis, and then to wonder why.
    22. Expect no one to understand. Though they say, “I understand.” They can’t. They don’t. They never will. Not even another widower.
    23. Expect to make mistakes as you rediscover who you now are — that’s okay. Expect to forgive yourself.

    You will make it through your grief, it’s important to realize you are not alone. What you are feeling is normal. Being informed is being prepared. It will help you survive.Expect the unexpected!And, like the mighty oak caught in a fierce storm bending in the wind to keep from being uprooted, you will learn to accept your plight. You will learn to remain grounded, and eventually you will be able to turn your upside down world right side up again. That’s a promise.Editor’s Note: Thanks Ed for sharing this valuable message.

    ____________________________________________________________________

    Ed Hersh has been a member of WSN-MO since 2017. You can write him via Facebook Messenger. Ed Hersh attended high school with of Herb Knoll, Founder of the Widower’s Support Network.

  • Simple Grief

    Want to help someone in grief? Put these 10 things into practice and I guarantee that you will be a comfort and blessing in supporting anyone who is grieving.

    1. Be present, now and in the future

    2. Let them know you are there to hurt with them

    3. Don’t try to “fix” the griever

    4. Say very little (there are no magic words) … Listen and validate their pain

    5. Avoid unsolicited intellectualizing, rationalizing, scripturalizing or spiritualizing of their loss

    6. Grant grace and tolerance to allow them to grieve in their own way

    7. Ask what you can do right now that might help them

    8. Place no expectations or timetables on their grief

    9. Keep saying the name and share stories with them of their loved one who they will always actively continue to love.

    10. Don’t try to help them get over it, continue following these steps long term in support of helping them get through it

    WSN – WSN – Words from my Alan Pedersen, Inspirational Speaker on Grief/Award-winning songwriter at Angels Across the USA.

  • A Widower’s Letter

    Widower Ed Hersh (Texas) shares a powerful letter he wrote following the passing of his beautiful bride, Shellie.  Ed’s letter speaks volumes about the plight of the 2.7 million widowers in America.  He has authorized me to share it with you below.

    “Hi Bernie,

    “It was very nice of you to call me yesterday afternoon. You sounded perplexed when I told you that I am still on a roller coaster.  I thought that writing might be easier for me to attempt to share what I am going through and how my life has been permanently impacted.

    “Loosing Dad and Shellie a month apart of each other has been more than most people can handle, myself included.  You know that Dad and I were very close.  Shellie and I were married just months short of 25 years—an accomplishment by all standards of today.

    “In May, Jonathan graduated college, an event that Shellie had been looking forward to for the last three years.  It was one of two goals she set to live for when she was diagnosed in April, 2008.  Watching Jonathan march in procession and receive his diploma was both joyful and tearful.  The dinner Shellie and I planned in Dallas went on as planned, but not without tears.  No way could I have had a party at the house to honor Jonathan having just lost Shellie.

    “Life as a single parent is not easy as I’m sure you have heard from Belinda.  Being a single parent of children who have lost their mother is even more difficult.  We will go through life celebrating more graduations, engagements, weddings, births and bar mitzvahs—all joyous but without their mother who died at a young age.

    “After being together for 25 years, I am now without my partner and lost.  Marriage is the joining of two halves to make a whole and I am now half again.  Who am I and what do I want?  I don’t know. 

    “I am alone, don’t want to burden my sons and am lonely, yet not ready for large social gatherings.  I go to shul weekly for Kaddish for Dad and Shellie, yet I leave with an empty and unfilled inner self.  I have seen counselors and rabbis.  Yet I am unable to truly communicate and receive the words of solace that I seek.  Had I only lost one I would have had the other to truly comfort me.  Now, there is no one.  I am told that it takes time and I’m sure that that is true.  My world has turned inside out and I am searching–for what I don’t know, but am told that I will know when I find it.  Friends and acquaintances can not understand, not that I expect them to, but they have abandoned me for many reasons: not knowing what to say or my regressing inward or not wanting a single person in the mix or whatever, I don’t know. 

    “Anyhow, I did appreciate your call and thanks for listening.

    “Ed” 

    THANK YOU Ed for sharing your words with those who turn to the Widower’s Support Network for understanding and comfort.

  • Widower: Self-Isolation – What Now With COVID-19?

    If you are a recent widower, this blog is for you!

    Widowers often are advised to avoid self-isolation. It is harmful to our physical and mental health. Fear, anger, doubt, and depression can run rampant. Destructive behaviors, such as alcoholism and drug use, are common. This can lead to alienation from our family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. 

    We are told to get out, try new activities, meet new people, and reach out to those who still love us and are in our life. All of this is critical to eventual healing.

    But now we are being forced to isolate-in-place due to COVID–19. So, how the hell are we supposed to heal now?

    Just when we are most vulnerable, just when we need human contact the most, and just when everything in our body and mind is screaming at us to hunker down and hide from everyone… then we have this COVID-19 crisis come along and force us to self-isolate.

    Many of our friends, family, and acquaintances are unlikely to reach out to us, as they are often afraid that they are imposing on us and our grief… or afraid they will say the wrong thing. So, I am going to tell you something you might think is counter-intuitive:

    IT IS UP TO YOU TO REACH OUT TO THEM, NOW MORE THAN EVER!

    Because now you may not be able to:

    • have dinner with your family, 
    • go out for a beer with your friends, 
    • attend church,
    • go to work, 
    • eat out at a restaurant, or
    • participate in group hikes, dances, ball games, or other activities.

    Here are a few options to help keep you engaged with others: 

    • call (video call if possible) at least one person each day and have a real conversation,
    • text and email friends and family daily,
    • communicate with others through Facebook,
    • exchange ideas on how you are dealing with the crisis,
    • view humorous or inspiring Facebook posts dealing with our situation, such as Laura Clery  
    • join online video groups now being offered through Meetup

    Also, consider some activities to help you through this:

    • Exercise, exercise, exercise – and eat right
    • Meditation – you have time to try one of many free ones on Youtube
    • Reduce Stress – read or listen to people like Eckhart Tolle 
    • Change your routine – mix it up
    • Keep the television or music on to fill the void
    • Find a home project that keeps you occupied and feels good to finish (write a book)
    • Plan one positive thing for the future, such as a road trip to visit family or old friends, that gives you something amazing to look forward to.

    You might also identify some people in your neighborhood who need help, such as picking up groceries for them. Take a walk in your area and pick up trash. Go pull some weeds, which can be a very therapeutic project. 

    In other words, find new ways to maintain your contact with others and to be active. DO NOT use this pandemic as an excuse to take your isolation to a new level! Reach out to others; don’t wait for them to reach out to you. 

    P.S. Please take a moment and share your ideas on how to un-isolate while in isolation!

    © Copyright 2020 Fred Colby

    All rights reserved


    ——————————————————————-

    Fred Colby is the author of Widower to Widower, which is available on Amazon.com. You can find Fred’s column appearing here on WSN-MO every other Tuesday. Widower to Widower is available through your local bookstore, my website, and Amazon. Buy Widower to Widower through Amazon. (If living in Canada go to Widower to Widower – Amazon-Canada) See Testimonies and Reviews of Widower to Widower. Website: Fred Colby, Author

  • Helping Your Children

    An Excerpt from The Widower’s Journey (Taken from Chapter 10)

    As I said at the beginning of this chapter, grief means we’ve been cut off from a relationship that brought us all kinds of emotional benefits. Part of our recovery is finding sources of emotional support that will help assuage the sting of that loss.

    For us men, that’s often a tough thing to do. This was driven home to me in the spring of 2014 when a friend of mine, retired minister Paul Hubley, arranged for me to meet with a group of widowers, each a resident of the Elim Park facility in Cheshire, Connecticut. After speaking to the gathering of widowers about my loss and trials, I was amazed how engaged the men became. The men shared stories, and tears flowed as each man recounted his loss and the pain he had carried—for many of these men, it was the first time they had spoken of their feelings, and it was obvious they felt better for sharing them with other widowers. It was one of the most moving experiences I had while working on this book.

    On my trip home, it hit me that widowers need permission to grieve and to share. Today, most do not feel they have permission, or they fear that others will think less of them as a man if they expose their grief. For that single reason, one widower I spoke with decided not to participate in this book. He was afraid that once he revealed his story and his emotions, others would see him as weak.

    I admit that I didn’t reach out as soon as I should have for all the support and fellowship I needed. I recall one day, as I worked at my desk at the bank, one of the employees from the bank’s call center entered my office with her brow furrowed by concern. She quietly told me how “everyone on the floor misses your laughter.” That helped me see myself from a different vantage, and thanks to that caring soul I began to realize that I was not in a good place physically or emotionally. I realized I needed help, and I resolved to find it.

    Men don’t need to go it alone. Those who have friends and family should reach out to them. For those who don’t have loved ones nearby or who don’t feel comfortable asking friends and family for assistance, there are other services available. Hospice, which provides comfort care and support to dying patients, also can be an important source of support and empathy for care giving husbands and widowers. For instance, hospice offered widower Rod Hagen counseling for one year following the loss of his partner, Larry. Every ten days or so, the same man would call Rod, so he had someone to speak with—someone who understood what he was going through. Rod added, “The hospice volunteer ended up calling me for nearly two years. I wasn’t asked to come to some meeting and sit with a group of strangers and talk about my loss. Hospice was great. I also had a couple of close friends who were there when I needed to talk, and even when I didn’t need to talk but I didn’t want to be alone.”

    Widowers need a support network. I refer to them as a widower’s Personal Advisory Board. They could be a team hailing from your collection of lifelong friends, neighbors, a fellow congregant from your religious community, relatives, or a select group of professionals (doctor, lawyer, financial planner, life-coach, etc.). Your Personal Advisory Board represents your go-to team, the ones you should make familiar with your life situation and allow them to advise you as needed. Forming a Personal Advisory Board is a great way to allow another person who is also grieving over the loss of your wife to offer their support. You could even say it would be therapeutic for both of you.

    Fellowship with other widowers through a widower group, or even with just a single widower, can be a valuable part of your Personal Advisory Board. Widower Chris Sweet tells us how he reached out and found one of his old high school buddies who had also lost his wife. “He and I used to play basketball together but lost touch after graduation. When his wife died, I felt horrible for him. I remember how I didn’t know what to say to him. After some time, I found myself thinking how, given his loss, he was aware of what I was going through, and might be able to help me make sense out of what was going on with me. We spoke on the phone and exchanged e-mails. That was what I needed to keep me going.”

    Check for widower support groups at local churches, hospitals, and hospices. Or you may want to check out groups through www.nationalwidowers.org. Let me also recommend you register with the Widower’s Support Network’s FREE private Facebook page for widowers, caregivers and men experiencing a loss. We also invite good nature men who wish to offer their encouragement to those we serve.  At the Widowers Support Network, our mission is to comfort and assist widowers by offering free services. See “Widowers Support Network – Members Only” on Facebook.  We also offer a public Facebook page for all others to enjoy.  See “Widowers Support Network” on Facebook.

    Other resources that might be of help to widowers include www.onetoanother.org, a service that enables men and women who have experienced loss to meet, and www.widowedvillage.org, which connects widows and widowers for friendship and sharing.

    In my research, I also discovered that a pet can be a great source of comfort during a time of grief. After personally witnessing the effect that animals can have, I became a believer. But rather than go into that here—I know pets are not for everyone—I’ve written up my research in Appendix III.

    ______________________________________________

    The Widower’s Journey is available at Amazon.com, Barnes & Nobles and elsewhere in paperback ($14.95)  and all digital formats. Members of WSN-MO enjoy 15% off if purchased directly from the WSN. To do so, write herb@widowerssupportnetwork.com

  • Reaching for Help

    An Excerpt from The Widower’s Journey (Taken from Chapter 2)

    As I said at the beginning of this chapter, grief means we’ve been cut off from a relationship that brought us all kinds of emotional benefits. Part of our recovery is finding sources of emotional support that will help assuage the sting of that loss.

    For us men, that’s often a tough thing to do. This was driven home to me in the spring of 2014 when a friend of mine, retired minister Paul Hubley, arranged for me to meet with a group of widowers, each a resident of the Elim Park facility in Cheshire, Connecticut. After speaking to the gathering of widowers about my loss and trials, I was amazed how engaged the men became. The men shared stories, and tears flowed as each man recounted his loss and the pain he had carried—for many of these men, it was the first time they had spoken of their feelings, and it was obvious they felt better for sharing them with other widowers. It was one of the most moving experiences I had while working on this book.

    On my trip home, it hit me that widowers need permission to grieve and to share.Today, most do not feel they have permission, or they fear that others will think less of them as a man if they expose their grief. For that single reason, one widower I spoke with decided not to participate in this book. He was afraid that once he revealed his story and his emotions, others would see him as weak.

    I admit that I didn’t reach out as soon as I should have for all the support and fellowship I needed. I recall one day, as I worked at my desk at the bank, one of the employees from the bank’s call center entered my office with her brow furrowed by concern. She quietly told me how “everyone on the floor misses your laughter.” That helped me see myself from a different vantage, and thanks to that caring soul I began to realize that I was not in a good place physically or emotionally. I realized I needed help, and I resolved to find it.

    Men don’t need to go it alone. Those who have friends and family should reach out to them. For those who don’t have loved ones nearby or who don’t feel comfortable asking friends and family for assistance, there are other services available. Hospice, which provides comfort care and support to dying patients, also can be an important source of support and empathy for care giving husbands and widowers. For instance, hospice offered widower Rod Hagen counseling for one year following the loss of his partner, Larry. Every ten days or so, the same man would call Rod, so he had someone to speak with—someone who understood what he was going through. Rod added, “The hospice volunteer ended up calling me for nearly two years. I wasn’t asked to come to some meeting and sit with a group of strangers and talk about my loss. Hospice was great. I also had a couple of close friends who were there when I needed to talk, and even when I didn’t need to talk but I didn’t want to be alone.”

    Widowers need a support network. I refer to them as a widower’s Personal Advisory Board. They could be a team hailing from your collection of lifelong friends, neighbors, a fellow congregant from your religious community, relatives, or a select group of professionals (doctor, lawyer, financial planner, life-coach, etc.). Your Personal Advisory Board represents your go-to team, the ones you should make familiar with your life situation and allow them to advise you as needed. Forming a Personal Advisory Board is a great way to allow another person who is also grieving over the loss of your wife to offer their support. You could even say it would be therapeutic for both of you.

    Fellowship with other widowers through a widower group, or even with just a single widower, can be a valuable part of your Personal Advisory Board. Widower Chris Sweet tells us how he reached out and found one of his old high school buddies who had also lost his wife. “He and I used to play basketball together but lost touch after graduation. When his wife died, I felt horrible for him. I remember how I didn’t know what to say to him. After some time, I found myself thinking how, given his loss, he was aware of what I was going through, and might be able to help me make sense out of what was going on with me. We spoke on the phone and exchanged e-mails. That was what I needed to keep me going.”

    Check for widower support groups at local churches, hospitals, and hospices. Or you may want to check out groups through www.nationalwidowers.org. Let me also recommend you register with the Widower’s Support Network’s FREE private Facebook page for widowers, caregivers and men experiencing a loss. We also invite good nature men who wish to offer their encouragement to those we serve.  At the Widowers Support Network, our mission is to comfort and assist widowers by offering free services. See “Widowers Support Network – Members Only” on Facebook.  We also offer a public Facebook page for all others to enjoy.  See “Widowers Support Network” on Facebook.

    Other resources that might be of help to widowers include www.onetoanother.org, a service that enables men and women who have experienced loss to meet, and www.widowedvillage.org, which connects widows and widowers for friendship and sharing.

    In my research, I also discovered that a pet can be a great source of comfort during a time of grief. After personally witnessing the effect that animals can have, I became a believer. But rather than go into that here—I know pets are not for everyone—I’ve written up my research in Appendix III.

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    The Widower’s Journey is available at Amazon.com, Barnes & Nobles and elsewhere in paperback ($14.95)  and all digital formats. Members of WSN-MO enjoy 15% off if purchased directly from the WSN. To do so, write herb@widowerssupportnetwork.com

  • Tom Nate, A Good Hearted Man

    Tom Nate is not a widower. Rather, Tom Nate is a walking miracle. A resident of San Antonio, Texas, Tom is a man who has endured much and is eager to give forward by supporting the members of WSN.

    You say you have troubles.  Read the account of Tom Nate’s story as written by Kihm Winship.  Then tell me how your day is going. Don’t miss out.  You’ll be glad you took the time to read the story of this truly remarkable man.

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    The Remarkable Story Of Tom Nate… A Walking Miracle

    A native Texan raised in Houston; Tom Nate started life with a lung disorder, but he didn’t let it slow him down. In spite of childhood bouts of pneumonia, he was active in sports, graduated from college, and went on to a successful career in business. True, he might have gotten a little out of breath from time to time, but he grew accustomed to it.

    However, in 2002, when he was 48 years old, two things happened that would change Tom’s life. First, he became the father of a son. And second, his shortness of breath became a constant challenge. By the time his son was an active three-year-old, Tom was tied to an oxygen tank, and on the waiting list for a double lung transplant.

    Tom talks a lot about miracles, and an early miracle in this story was that his employer’s health insurance provided full coverage for transplants. The closest participating hospital was in St. Louis, and in 2007, Tom received a new set of lungs. He was in surgery for 14 hours, and in a coma for six days, but he got well, and three months later he was back home in Texas.

    Through all of this, Tom wanted everything to be as normal as possible for his wife and son. His boy was now four years old and more active than ever. Tom wanted to be active with him. However, eight months after he returned to Texas, his lungs rejected.

    The doctors told him that finding another matching donor would be difficult; in fact, there was just a 2% chance due to antibody issues resulting from the first transplant surgery. Not sure whether he should try for another transplant, Tom and his wife prayed for 40 days. Their answers started revealing themselves as what Tom calls “a whole bunch of miracles “began happening. An offer of an airplane to take them to St. Louis. Housing opportunities in St. Louis. A school for their son, with tuition, paid anonymously by another family hearing of Tom’s struggle to live. Those were answers to Tom and Irma’s prayers,and they decided to move forward.

    When Tom and his family relocated to St. Louis in October of 2008 to await another transplant, Tom’s doctor told him he had six months to live. Tom and his wife focused on prayer and on keeping his son’s life as normal as possible. Tom went to rehab every day, accompanied by his oxygen tank, to stay strong for the possible surgery.

    On New Year’s Day, 2009, Tom was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance barely able to breathe; his lung function was down to 12%. His doctor told him that he had two weeks to live, at most. Tom’s lungs had quit making oxygen and, worse, were unable to clear the CO2 from his blood. The same evening his doctor gave the terrible news, Tom went into cardiac arrest, respiratory failure, and kidney failure.

    His wife Irma was called to the hospital and told Tom would not make it through the night, and she should just “let him go and not resuscitate him.” His wife refused and told the doctors that “it was not their decision whether Tom lived or died but God’s decision.” But the doctors said they could not put him on a ventilator unless they had his written permission. His wife, doing her best to stay in control, screamed at Tom to wake up. His eyes opened, and she asked him if he wanted to live or “let go.” Gasping for air and unable to speak, Tom reached up and squeezed his wife’s arm; a tear fell from his left eye. The doctors accepted that as a “Yes.” They put a tracheotomy in his throat and attached a ventilator to him. He would be unable to speak until new donor lungs were located, and another transplant surgery was performed.

    For the next three weeks, Tom was unconscious in the Intensive Care Unit. Four more times, the doctors tried to convince Tom’s wife to let him go. However, she said, “If God wants him, God will take him.” Unconscious, Tom fought through cardiac arrest, kidney failure, a staph infection, and reactions to drugs. Tom remembers asking God to “take him home” and having out-of-body experiences, leaving his body and the hospital room behind, rising into brilliant colors, beautiful music, but hearing a voice that said, “It’s not your time yet; you have a son to raise.”

    When Tom woke up, he had “tubes everywhere.” Unable to move, he told himself that he would start over at square one. The first thing he did was get a pen and paper and write down his recollections of the out of body experiences, sobbing as he wrote. Tom has total belief that God intervened and spared his life, answering all the thousands of prayers offered by so many on Tom’s behalf. He had to relearn to walk. Still tied to the ventilator, he needed an electric larynx to speak. Doctors predicted his kidneys would never work again and counseled his wife on the reality of Tom living on dialysis. But 20 days after he woke from his three-week sleep, Tom’s kidneys started working again. His body, swollen to twice its normal size from all the fluid in him, began to return slowly to normal. He had to work with physical therapists each day not only to walk but to learn to eat and bathe and dress. One day, he walked five feet. The next day, ten feet. It was grueling at times, but after three months, he walked out of the ICU.

    With a portable ventilator and a scooter, Tom was able to leave the hospital and return to his family’s apartment. His job was to stay alive until a transplant could be arranged. He learned to do for himself what the nurses had been doing for him. When he asked his doctors how long he could go on, they replied, “We don’t know. Nobody’s ever done this” (having lived on a ventilator outside the hospital while waiting for a double lung transplant).

    Tom and his wife again focused on their son, prayed, kept up with distant friends on Facebook, and he drew strength from his wife, who was a “rock.” Tom’s Caring Bridge website amassed over 1000 followers who were also praying for him and his family each day. One very good friend, named Jon, was the ultimate prayer warrior, staying by Tom’s side praying the entire time Tom was in ICU. When Tom first opened his eyes after his three-week sleep, Jon was praying beside his bed.

    There were many tough days, but all days were good as Tom was able to stay alive. Tom and his family waited 18 months for a telephone call that a donor had been found. At one a.m., on September 19, 2010, the hospital called to say they

    had a perfect match, but it was from a “high risk” donor, a 21-year-old who had traded sex for drugs; Tom could reject those lungs if he wanted to wait for another donor. Tom and Irma got on their knees and prayed for God to send a sign that this was the right donor. After praying, his wife called a retired doctor friend of theirs back in Texas for some guidance, and she told him that Tom was hearing from God to “move forward, ” but

    Irma felt very nervous about the high-risk lungs from the donor. Tom had told her that the entire journey had been “high risk” and their doctor friend in Texas also said,

    “Irma, all of this is high risk.” That was Irma’s confirmation. Tom tells about the difference between the first and second transplant surgeries: Before his first surgery, Tom had sought to control all of the variables. This time, he said, it was “trust God. He is in control!” The surgery was a go!

    Because it would take too long to shift ventilators and load Tom into the family car, he took his scooter down the elevator, out onto the street, and drove four blocks to the hospital with his son on his lap at three a.m., and to the side of a waiting bed. The nurses had never seen that before. Moreover, then he was taken into surgery a three p.m. on September 20th.

    Tom awoke as they were wheeling him back into his room 6 hours later. Four hours after the surgery, he sat up. When his wife came in, he smiled and waved as she walked down the hall. He sat up when asked to by the nurse, and several hours later stood up and walked also. Within three days, he was walking laps around the ICU. After one week, he was up to six laps and noticed that the nurse accompanying him was beginning to perspire. After two weeks, he left the hospital. It had been a journey of more than two years, during which Tom never gave up hope and faith that God had a plan for him.

    Today, Tom is 58 years old and coaches his son’s football, basketball, and baseball teams. On the day I spoke to him, he had pitched an hour of batting practice. “I have no bad days,” he said. “It’s all part of the journey.”

    In thinking about the support he and his family received, Tom recalled a practice that his wife started while in St. Louis. Every time he or the family witnessed a miracle from either God or from people God placed in their lives to help at special times Tom’s wife, Irma, would put a pink post-it note on the mirror in the dining room, as a reminder of all the blessings they were receiving while on this journey. One day Irma counted them and found there were 140 notes on the dining room wall mirror!

    Tom has spoken to hundreds of people about the power of hope, the power of prayer, the miracle of the body that God created. When he visits the hospital in St. Louis for an annual checkup, he spends two days on tests, and the rest of his visit talking to patients and rehabilitation specialists, offering encouragement. “I promised God I would do all that I could for others that are suffering from terrible lung disease,” he said.

    Tom gives all credit to God, family, friends, and faith for his survival. “With God all things are possible.” Tom is always looking forward, never looking back, never losing hope, he counts himself as “supremely blessed.” And every day, he strives to be a blessing to others.

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    Copyright: Michelle’s Angels Foundation, Inc. 2013

    Founded by Herb Knoll

  • Widowers – Overlook Again

    By Herb Knoll, Author: The Widower’s Journey

    When asked, few people can name even one man who has been widowed. After a few moments of additional thought, many are likely to say, “Oh wait a minute, I do know one.  He lives down the street.” When I presented the same question to a friend of mine, he failed to recall how his own father was himself widowed. As remarkable as it may appear, few Americans can name more than one U.S. president who has been widowed, yet over one-third of our presidents have been widowed (sixteen in total).  Widowed men reside in the shadows of our communities.  Want more proof?  American’s love movies – yet few can recall how actor Mel Gibson practically built his action-hero career on exacting vengeance from being a widower—not exactly a healthy way to deal with loss. He did it in the Middle Ages in Braveheart, during the Revolutionary War in The Patriot, and as a cop in Lethal Weapon, 1 through 4.  Look around you.  While you may not know a widower today, you will soon, for one in five men you know will eventually be widowed. And unless things change, they will be soon forgotten. Sadly, this failure by society to recognize those men who have been widowed, not to mention their needs has become an international norm.  

    No other testament to this view was more poignant than the actions of the United Nations when on December 22, 2010, the United Nations 65th General Assembly unanimously adopted a resolution establishing June 23rd as International Widows Day.  To be celebrated annually, this global day of action was intended to raise awareness about the cultural discrimination of widows. We all should applaud the actions of the United Nations in their effort to raise awareness about the needs of widows around the world, but what of the men who have been widowed?  What of their needs.

    Not to diminish the pain and suffering of countless windows on all seven continents, the actions of the United Nations mirrors the efforts – or lack thereof – of societies around the world; Men are held to a different set of standards versus women after they experience the loss of a spouse.  Women are more likely to be comforted while widowed men are expected to “get over it.”  Couple the general view that men are tough and don’t need grief support with the fact that few resources are ever crafted to comfort and assist widowed males specifically, its no wonder widowers face so many significant challenges.  Challenges most are ill-prepared to deal with including substance abuse to career self-destruction, from difficulty reconciling with their higher-power to their financial ruin, isolation, grief and severe health concerns.  In addition to an increased rate of diabetes and hypertension, widowers have a suicide rate that is 3-4 times greater than that of married men.  In spite of all of these facts and more, widowed men are left primarily to their own resources.  I personally experienced this phenomenon following the death of my wife in 2008 at the age of 52, at my local Barnes and Noble bookstore.  As I approached the customer service counter, I inquired what they may have available that could help me as a new widower deal with my grief.  The clerk politely entered the word “widower” into his computer’s search engine and then looked up at me saying, “Mister, I don’t have a damn thing for you.”  You have got to be kidding me.  

    It was at that precise moment I decided to write a book for widowers. The book, The Widowers Journey – Helping Men Rebuild After Their Loss (2017)(Amazon.com).  When my literary agent shopped the manuscript around over thirty New York publishers, she was repeatedly told that “Men don’t buy books.”  As a result, the publishing community doesn’t accept manuscripts written for widowed men.  Again, the needs of the widower next door are ignored.  

    While the United Nations and New York’s publishers have failed widowers around the world,  they are not alone.  In the United State alone there are 2.7 million widowers with 420,000 new widowers each year.  In spite of this vast community of poorly served sufferers, our houses of worship, as well as our employers, have failed them.  From the medical community to our governments (local, state and federal), and even our friends and families, each has failed to do their part in addressing the needs of widowers everywhere.  The absence of meaningful resources, let alone awareness about the pain and suffering widowers endure is heart-wrenching, perhaps even sinful. 

    And even if those who are in a position to act don’t wish to do so for humanitarian reasons, they should do so because it is in the best interest of all parties to ensure this segment of our population is healthy, functional and contributing to society. 

    It begins with all interested parties doing their part starting today.  And that beginning can be on the floor of the United Nations General Assembly who, like many others, failed our world’s widowers. 

    In the famous words of Gandhi, “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

    Herb Knoll is an Advocate for Widowers, a Professional Speaker and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey.  Available at Amazon.com in paperback and all digital formats.  

    Email: herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com   Web: WidowersSupportNetwork.com

    Facebook: Widowers Support Network – Members Only and at Widowers Support Network