The Widowers Journey

Category: Giving Support

  • Boy’s Don’t Cry…right? WRONG! And That’s Okay

    by Herb Knoll

    Author: The Widower’s Journey 

    From the time little boys are first able to walk, in some cases even before they can walk, parents begin shaping the psyche of their sons by telling them, “Boys don’t cry. ” Oh really… who says so? Whoever it was, they should be picked up and prosecuted for the harm they have imposed on to men, young and old alike.     

    Who among us doesn’t know a man who when faced with a painful situation such as the loss of a spouse or life partner, turned to tears, only to quickly apologize for having shed them? Why is it society holds men to a different set of emotional standards vs. women?  

    Men Do Not Believe They Have Permission To Grieve.

    A few years back I was asked to lead a widowers grief seminar in Connecticut.  The audience comprised mostly of retired widowers gathered to share their grief.  Suddenly, the room took on a life of its own.  Once presented with an environment in which they were permitted to express their sorrow, the participants opened up with both barrels. There before me, a gentleman who lost his wife nearly two years earlier cried openly, and he screamed his loving words of sorrow about his loss and did so in front of men he didn’t even know.  I witnessed another attendee, reach out to the crying gentlemen with gestures and words laced with warmth and understanding about the pain a widower may experience.  

    Immediately following the dynamic exchange, it came to me. Men do not believe they have permission to grieve.  At least not in a public forum or where their ego-strength may go into harm’s way.  After all, they are men.  And men aren’t supposed to cry for to do so would raise the critical eye of family, friends, colleagues, fellow parishioners at their house of worship and even strangers.  Employers may suspect a man who cries is weak, and can not be trusted with select responsibilities. Sadly, the careers of some men have suffered for this very reason.    

    When Ashley Altus of the Baylor Lariat asked Baylor University’s Dr. Mark Morman, “How are boys forced to prove their masculinity in today’s society?” Morman replied: “The obvious is control your emotions, don’t be seen as emotional, don’t be seen as open, vulnerable, keep it under control.”  Dr. Morman went on to say how even the jobs we pursue as men reinforce our identity with those… “kinds of masculine things.” 

    Not surprisingly, the double standard society applies to the behaviors of men vs. those they hold for women is not as prevalent among younger males. Clearly, baby-boomers and perhaps those generations that immediately followed are more likely to keep the belief that men should clothe their tears in what shadows are available. Suppression of one‘s emotions has been a long-standing behavior adopted by most men.  Seclusion is another; where men who are grieving opt to remain out of the public eye, adopting a lifestyle of cocooning within the confines of their home, rarely venturing out where they could risk embarrassment should let their emotions be stimulated by a triggered memory.   

    Charles Dickens once said, “Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts.” Dickens wrote this in 1861.  Yet, over 150 years later, there remain those, including members of our own families who shy away from a man whose grief transitioned to tears running down his cheek.    

    “Get Over It!” 

    An excellent example of this occurred when a friend encouraged me to contact a local veterans organization whose membership included many widowers. As I outlined the programs and materials available from my ministry, the group’s program director, himself a widower interrupted to say, “I’m a widower, and I got over it. They’re just going to have to get over it on their own.” Huh!  Widowed members of his veterans organization are grieving their loss, and his only offer of support is to tell them to “get over it.” Old habits die hard. 

    Men Have A Place Where Crying Is Viewed As Manly 

    Among the communications channels employed by the Widowers Support Network are its website, WidowersSupportNetwork.com and two Facebook pages. The first Facebook page is titled Widowers Support Network.  After a couple of years, I noted how this Facebook page attracted both men and women alike, but it was the women who were commenting and contributing the most.  That caused me to establish the second Facebook page.  Its title is Widowers Support Network – Members Only or WSN-MO.  WSN-MO is a private members only page for men who are either widowed or are serving as caregivers for seriously ill spouses or life-partners.  First opened in March 2018, today WSN-MO is approaching nearly 500 registered members from 19 countries including the United States, England, India, Nigeria, Canada, France, Australia and beyond. It did so without the help of any advertising; instead, membership grew organically, a direct result of referrals made by WSN-MO’s members.  WSN-MO boasts members from all walks of life and social and economic backgrounds. From corporate officers and laborers, truck drivers to retirees, young professionals to military officers (including a couple generals) no one is denied membership. On WSN-MO, all who grieve are treated equally.  

    On WSN-MO, grown men cry, and they do so daily and openly. And they do so without the risk of ridicule from their fellow widower. Instead, they are encouraged to express their most private of feelings and emotions, this they do without hesitation. Members speak of their sorrow, their regrets, their failed dreams, and their cherished memories. To my delight, the brothers (the title they use to refer to one another) run to the emotional aid of those who may be having a bad day. They also laugh, kid one another, share memories and stay up to date on sports, cooking for one, personal finances, dating and so much more.  Best practices are routinely shared, and no topic is off limits. When one member celebrates a win in life, no matter how small, they all take a bow. And no one is shunned for their manly tears… for to cry is first to have loved.  At the Widowers Support Network – Members Only on Facebook, men of all ages have permission to grieve… and to shed a tear if they wish to do so.   

    Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widowers, a professional speaker and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey.  Available at Amazon.com in paperback and in all digital formats. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network (WidowersSupportNetwork.com) featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men, and a second Facebook page which is open to the general public at Widowers Support Network.  Contact Herb at  herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com.  4

    Attention Widowers and Men who serve as Caregivers

    Apply today to join the Widowers Support Network – Members Only (WSN-MO) on Facebook. WSN-MO is a FREE private page exclusively open to MEN who have lost their wife or life-partner; men who are currently serving as caregivers for a seriously ill spouse or life-partner; and other good-hearted men who wish to help assist and comfort them.  

    Copyright 2019  Widower’s Support Network

  • Grief Recovery Programs Need to Include Action Plans

     Herb Knoll

    Author of the New Book, The Widower’s Journey

    http://www.WidowersSupportNetwork.com

    It’s no wonder so many people fail to complete grief counseling sessions that take place over a period of several weeks, with many attendees opting to bail out of such programs after just a week or two.  Why? I believe one of the reasons is because too many of the programs fail to provide a real road map to the healing grievers seek.  Those who grieve aren’t interested in hearing a lot of theory or advice that is short on substance. They need actionable options.  Proven steps and best practices they can employ as they begin their journey toward some semblance of a recovery.     

    This tendency to withdraw from what are well-intentioned resources should be of no surprise to anyone, especially when speaking about widowed men.  Yes, my view applies to women and men alike, but as an advocate for widowers, I have come to recognize how men who are suffering from the most significant loss of their lives want to act to make their pain go away by taking concrete steps others have previously tested.  Those who fail to complete grief recovery programming are generally not interested in listening to subjective material offered by family members, friends, or a subject matter experts that are weak on specifics. 

    I like to tell the story about my brother Don and his wife Kathy when they were traveling by airplane.  As they sat in their seats, Kathy leaned over and informed Don how the little boy seated behind her was kicking the back of her airline seat.  Being a man of action, Don looked over the top of his seat to the youngster seated behind Kathy and with a raised voice, told the young man to “Knock It Off.”  Kathy then leaned over and asked Don, “What did you do that for?” Kathy went on to say how she didn’t want Don to do anything; she just wanted him to know what she was experiencing.  But like most men, Don is a fixer.  If you give him a problem, his mental Rolodex of problem-solving solutions will begin rotating until the appropriate fix surfaces. It’s what men (and many women) do!   

    Perhaps that’s why I like plans.  Documents that will help me navigate my way until I reach my desired destination or outcome. Plans should contain both strategic and tactical steps one can initiate along life’s journey that will lessen the likelihood of their veering off course or wasting precious resources. I believe people prefer specific, well researched, and proven steps that will advance their agenda. When such insights are available, it can allow the reader’s recovery instincts to be stimulated, causing them to tweak the best practices of others until they conform to the reader’s comfort zone. To this end, I offer the following.

    Grief Recovery Rule #1 – Turn to Your Higher Power.

    For those who believe in a higher power, turn to Him.  Place your grief and your future into His trusted arms.  There is no better place to be.

    Grief Recovery Rule #2 – Grieve for as long as you wish.  

    Grief doesn’t end. It evolves. There are no sequences or stages of grief you can anticipate occurring. So don’t let anyone tell you, “It’s time to get back in the game,” or “Get over it.”  Do so when you are ready, not before.  If their nagging continues, it may be time for some new friends.

    Grief Recovery Rule #3 – Forgive yourself for any lingering regrets you may harbor.

    If you were a caregiver, the spouse, or the life partner of the deceased, you might have some lingering thoughts of regret.  “I should have visited more often.” “Did I find him (or her) the best care possible?” “I should have told him or her I loved them more often.” Regrets surface because deep down inside, you honestly loved that person, and you weren’t sure if they truly knew it. I have some news for you, they did. There is no need to second guess your previous actions.  You undoubtedly did the best you could under the circumstances. And you can be sure they appreciated your loving care. So when you lay your head on your pillow tonight, go ahead and tell them again, “I love you!” They’re listening. 

    Grief Recovery Rule #4 – Watch your health. 

    No matter how well anchored of a survivor or caregiver, you may believe yourself to b; you are vulnerable. Now it’s time to take care of you! All caregivers and the widowed should be seen by their primary physician.  As part of your exam, ask your doctor for a referral to a mental health professional. You know, someone with whom you can talk. You’ve been through a lot, and you may have suffered physically, and don’t even realized it. Besides, you have others who are depending on you to recover from your grief. This caution is especially true for widowers since most men fail to take proper care of themselves, especially when they are called upon to serve as a caregiver.  Want a sampling of proof? Widowed men have a suicide rate that is 3-4x higher than married men. 

    For those who have lost a spouse, be advised that your loss is the #1 stressor on the stress index scale.  Regardless of how tough you think you are, the human body can only handle so much stress and just for a limited period before it can affect your health.  

    As I said, those who grieve are vulnerable. Here’s more proof. According to the US Census Bureau, 700,000 people are widowed each year in the United States and will live on average another 14 years.  Research has shown that if you are caring for a spouse and are between the ages of 66 and 96, you are at a 66% higher risk of dying than one who is not a caregiver.  Sixty-five percent of those who are widowed (men or women) will experience a severe illness within twelve months.  

    Grief Recovery Rule #5 – Don’t make any hasty decisions. 

    Countless widowed individuals have felt a need to make changes soon after experiencing a loss.  Time and time again, they have proven why they should not have done so.  Whether you are considering moving closer to your son or daughter or downsizing your residence or even proposing marriage to a new love interest, take your time in doing so. Ask for advice from those you admire and trust.  When appropriate, talk with a licensed professional with the proper expertise and credentials, even if a fee is required to do so.  (Pssst – Be sure to check their references.) You’ll be glad you did. 

    Grief Recovery Rule #6 – Stay close to those you love. 

    Seventy-five percent of a survivor’s support base will vanish – or at the very least, be less available to the survivor following the loss of a spouse. Those who are suddenly unavailable may well include family members and friends.  The risk is that people who feel continually lonely have a 14% higher risk of premature death vs. those who don’t.  

    Grief Recovery Rule #7 – Allow those who care about you to assist you in dealing with your grief.

    You are not the only one who is grieving.  When friends and family tell you they want to help, make it easy for them to do so.  Have them cut your lawn, handle your grocery shopping, or clean your pool for the few months. (Just kidding.) But by allowing them to serve in some way, they feel like they have contributed to the healing of all who mourn, including themselves.

    Grief Recovery Rule #8 – Communicate your needs or challenges.

    Ask for help if you need it.  Don’t make people guess. Failing to do so may cause your critical needs to be unaddressed while only trivial tasks are handled. When appropriate, communicate your needs with a subject matter expert. From financial matters to your spirituality, legal issues to mental health examinations, lean on those service providers for guidance.  Should you wish, feel free to contact The Widower’s Support Network (WSN), for advice and mentoring, a free service WSN offers to all widowers and the families that love them. 

    Grief Recovery Rule #9 – Grief groups are a tremendous resource for people in need of support. 

    Grief groups (aka Support groups) can be very beneficial to those who grieve, so don’t shy away from using their services. (This goes for men too, especially those men who foolishly think they can go it alone.) Among the leaders in support services for those who grieve are Hospices, churches, civic groups, and more.  

    The sponsoring agency may have designed their program offerings themselves or may have licensed programmings, such as Walking Through Grief, (available at Walkingthroughgrief.com), GriefShare (GriefShare.org), and Soaring Spirits International (Soaringspirits.org). The cost to attend such support groups are modest, with many are available free of charge. WSN’s first choice is Walking Through Grief programming, available in many communities across America.  You also have the option to stream and view individual programs for as little as $8. See Walkingthroughgrief.com.      

    Many support groups address the needs of individuals, caregivers, or survivors dealing with specific diseases or ailments. For example, PanCan has support groups across America for Pancreatic Cancer sufferers.  Compassionate Friends is a terrific organization that enables families to grieve the loss of a child. By using your computer’s search engine, you can easily find support groups for virtually every kind of ailment or illness, including cancer, Alzheimer’s, Multiple Sclerosis, Chron’s Disease, and countless others.

    For those who don’t wish to attend meetings outside their home, you will find books, DVDs, and more available at the OpentoHope.com, GriefToolbox.com, and GriefDiaries.com, all excellent resources for healing videos, books and more.

    Some who grieve may enjoy getting away from their current environment and enjoy a transformational journey at sea, featuring the nurturing and coaching made available from a world-class team of grief experts. Such experiences are available from Grieving Seminars at Sea on The Bereavement Cruise. The beauty of such an outing is that it allows you to find yourself in a neutral arena, absent the trappings and triggers of everyday life and the memories you may find troubling.  To learn more, contact our office at herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com    

    Grief Recovery Rule #10 – Get on your feet and out of the house.

    Widowed people need to reestablish their own relevance.  It is essential to have a purpose when you rise out of bed each day.  You can accomplish this in many ways. Volunteering has been found by many to be the best grief recovery tool.  Reach out to a non-profit who supports a good cause, your church, or perform a kind gesture for someone who can’t pay you back.  Perhaps this is why I established the Widowers Support Network, as it provides me with such gratification. Besides, it gives me purpose.  

    Grief Recovery Rule #11 – Commemorate the life of your deceased loved one.

    Perform charitable works in their name. Turn their articles of clothing into “Love Pillows” and give them to those they loved. Celebrate their birthday by joining forces with friends and family in aiding their favorite support group.  

    Grief Recovery Rule #12 – Never lose HOPE.  (Hope Trilogy)  

    As Alexander Pope wrote, HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL. Feed your subconscious mind with healing thoughts offering reasons to have hope. View, read, and listen to the lessons learned and the opinions of those who have been where you are today. To begin, all who grieve (men and women) should register at WidowersSupportNetwork.com. Once registered, request your free copy of WSN’s powerful HOPE TRILOGY, the story of three remarkable men, and their mastery over adversity. Write: info@WidowersSupportNetwork.com

    Grief Recovery Rule #13 – Take Care of Business

    As my deceased brother, Dan taught me when I was just a teenager, “Take Care of Business First.” Failing to do so can cause significant hardship if not expense during the remainder of your grief journey.  While matters such as career preservation, legal affairs, and financial wellness may not be the “first” thing you address during your journey, putting off such essential matters can cause catastrophic outcomes later.  Again, seek professional assistance when needed.  

    Grief Recovery Rule #14 –  Consider acquiring grief relief from a Therapy or Service Dog.

    “Therapy dogs bring comfort to those in need of companionship while Service dogs have been individually trained to do work or perform tasks for the benefit of a person with a disability, according to the Americans with Disabilities Act.”  Across America, there are many animal shelters, SPCAs, and civic, service, and charitable organizations that have programs that can assist you in learning more. A supportive pooch is worth considering.  Personally, I would run out and get a rescue dog from the local SPCA, even if it isn’t a “service” dog.    

    Grief Recovery Rule #15 –  Celebrate the life of the one you have lost by living yours; they would certainly want you to do so.

    No explanation needed.

    __________________________________________________________

    Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widowers, professional speaker, and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey.  Available at Amazon.com in paperback and all digital formats. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network (WidowersSupportNetwork.com) featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men only, and a second Facebook page which is open to the general public at Widowers Support Network.  Herb also produces the Widower’s Journey Podcast which is available on all Podcast outlets. Contact Herb at  herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com.     

  • An Excerpt from The Widower’s Journey: Appendix III – Support From Pets

    When considering what actions widowed men can take in hopes of accelerating their healing, they may only have to reach down to the pet seated beside them. I witnessed the power of pets often during Michelle’s illness, especially during the final hours of her life when her son Jacques carried each of Michelle’s three golden retrievers, one at a time, from his car up to her hospital room. The nursing staff placed a gurney beside Michelle’s bed so her beloved Charlotte, Spencer, and Carolina could lie beside her one last time.

    In this appendix, I’ll discuss the positive benefit of pets, and also direct you to resources for pets that are specially trained to provide support and assistance.

    My first exposure to the phenomenon of pet therapy was back in the 1990s when my bank duties included leading KeyBank of New York’s annual Neighbors Make a Difference Day. On this day, the bank would close at noon to free up employees to go into the neighborhoods they served and perform community services. One time, bank volunteers took a group of dogs from the local animal shelter to a nearby nursing home. Some dogs were even invited by the seniors to jump up onto their beds. I still remember the looks of joy and comfort on the faces of the seniors when petting and playing with the dogs. Neither the home’s residents nor the dogs wanted the visit to end.

    According to the Mayo Clinic, “animal-assisted therapy (AAT) can significantly reduce pain, anxiety, depression, and fatigue in people with a range of health problems including those suffering from a post-traumatic stress disorder.” AAT is the use of trained animals to assist patients in achieving established health objectives and is the first of two therapies grouped under the heading of Pet Therapy. The second is animal-assisted activities, which has a more general purpose, such as what the seniors experienced when the KeyBank volunteers visited them with the dogs.”

    The Paws for People website (pawsforpeople.org) adds: “It’s well-known (and scientifically proven) that interaction with a gentle, friendly pet has significant benefits including releasing endorphins that have a calming effect and can diminish overall physical pain. The act of petting produces an automatic relaxation response, reducing the amount of medication some folks need, lifts spirits and lessens depression, encourages communication, lowers anxiety, reduces loneliness” and more.

    Widower Mark R. Colgan had this to say about his two Labrador retrievers, Murray and Tucker: “The evening Joanne died my two Labradors proved to be more than companions, they were family members that were grieving the loss of Joanne. As I sat downstairs, reflecting on the day’s shocking events, I heard an unusual cry coming from the bedroom. The bedroom that Joanne had died in earlier in the day. As I peered around the corner of the bedroom door, I saw how the cry was coming from one of our dogs, Murray. He lied on the bed in the spot Joanne had died and was crying in a way that I have never heard a dog cry before. He was mourning.”

    But it’s not only dogs that provide us support and solace. Some widowers are more the cat-lover type, and similar benefits have been attributed to cats and other pets.

    Professor Carr notes that pets serve another important purpose: they give widowers a schedule and routine. For many widowers, especially those who are retired, days can feel long and empty. Some widowers struggle to get out of bed. However, a dog eager for a walk or a cat meowing for her morning kibble force us to get out of bed, face the day and set up routines that can be a healthy and important source of structure.

    To read more… see page 187 of The Widower’s Journey. Available to all Members of WSN-MO at 15% discount. (www.widowerssupportnetwork.com/reserve-copy)