Category: Grief

Looking for insights on the challenges faced by men after spouse or partner loss? Join Dr. Heidi and Dr. Gloria Horsley and Herb Knoll bereaved spouse, retired banking executive, professional speaker, columnist, and founder of the widowers support network. Herb is the author of the The Widower’s Journey.

There is closure on real estate deals, businesses deals, etc. but there is no such thing as closure on a relationship. Closure means the end of a deal. It’s done, over, completed. All conditions have been met. No more expectations that need to be fulfilled. Closure relates to deals, not life, not relationships.

As far as I’m concerned, there is no end to the relationship that Lorna and I had. Yes, our physical relationship on this earth has ended, but our RELATIONSHIP has not ended, nor will it. She is very much alive to me right now, even though I can’t see her, feel her, talk with her or touch her. It is me that is not as alive as she is. I will die, someday, whenever that will be. Then, I will join her in a new life that will never end. Then, our relationship will continue, in a different manner than it was here, but it will continue. I have that promise. Without that promise, there is no hope. It is more than a hope. Once you know the truth, it sets you free. Free to know that I will be with Lorna again, no question. Different, but still in a personal relationship with her, walking with her, talking with her, experiencing an amazing life WITH her! And there will be no more intermission, no sorrow of having to say “see you later!”

Many people say that a funeral is the “closure” for the family. For me, it wasn’t. Maybe for others, it is an end of that relationship, but for those of us who have lost that most important person in our lives, there can be no closure. Yes, we “move forward”, we learn to “manage” without that person in our daily lives, but that person, that love, is still very much a part of our daily lives. They will never leave, but now it’s called “grief”. It is now a part of life, part of what we deal with every single day, multiple times throughout the day. At first, it is overwhelming, like the waves of the ocean when you are not used to them. Later on, we learn how to see them coming and can handle them in public, but in private, we still often have our times of being swallowed by them. When things go wrong during the day, I find myself stealing away to have my alone time and cry out to Lorna, without the comfort of hearing her reassuring words that it will be ok. I have to imagine that, and yes, I can hear her telling me that.

Sometimes we get caught up in the rhetoric of what other people say that you should have “closure” on. For me, personally, I will never “close” on the relationship I had with Lorna, I can’t, it’s not possible. I am the person I am because of a 40 year relationship with Lorna. However, in the past 2 years and 10 months since she has been gone, I have had trouble with holding on to myself, the way she would’ve wanted me to be. This happens when everything that was “normal” in my life gets totally disrupted. What was “our” normal, disappeared.

While in many ways I feel like I am starting over, it is a “moving forward”, not without Lorna, but with her in a different way. Again, I am who I am because of the love from her and the desire I had to be the best I could be for her. I need to keep going forward being the best that I can be as if she was still here. I will get there, in time.

Closure should never exist in relationships, because we should never “close” a relationship with anyone.

“Love you to infinity and beyond” was the line she would always say to me just before going to sleep pretty well every night. There is no closure in that. Nor will there ever be.

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Following the passing of a wife or life-partner, it is the widower who needs support, not the deceased. So why is it that so many widowed men complain about their sense of abandonment by their families, friends, neighbors, and co-workers following their loss? Behaviors and interactions with those who you would hope would be of some level of support to the widowers can instead become hurtful, insensitive, and at times, clumsy.

Case in point, on the first morning, I was back at my bank job in San Antonio, and while seated at my desk, one of our human resource officers entered my office. He appeared to be surprised to find me lost in thought with tears in my eyes. Not knowing what to say or do with a grown man crying, the officer immediately turned to exit my office, closing the door behind him. Perhaps if I was a widow instead of a widower, I might have been offered some tissue or maybe a glass of water and a kind word.

A few days later (just seventeen days after my wife died), a colleague offered to introduce me to her unmarried aunt. My wife’s memorial service was still six days away, and someone was trying to fix me up with their aunt. “That’s not going to happen,” I snapped and walked away.

In each case, my initial response may have been of disappointment in the lack of compassion and common decency presented by my colleagues. Looking back, I don’t see it that way, and I now regret not offering a more appreciative response to what was their best effort to comfort me.

“People often make mistakes in trying to comfort the bereaved,” says Dr. Deborah Carr of Boston University. “They can’t envision what the widower is going through, and they become ham-fisted and misguided, offering well-intentioned reactions. Getting angry at those trying to help you isn’t going to lessen a widower’s pain. But what it may do is alienate those who can be a source of support to the widower in the future.”

Dr. Justin Denney Ph.D., of Washington State University, believes people feel especially socially awkward to see older male figures let down their positions of power and authority and then embracing them, validating their loss like they might with a woman or a younger person.

“Death and illness make people uncomfortable. People often don’t want to talk about Death because they don’t want to risk upsetting the widower,” says Dr. Carr. Perhaps this is the reason so many “friends and family” barely show their faces around a widower after the wife has died.

Grief is a moving target for the bereaved and their family and friends who want to be of some comfort to them. As a result, many people who say they were there for you would later say, “Oh, I didn’t want to bother you, so I decided not to pick up the phone and call,” ultimately staying away at a time when widowers need them the most. To those who share this view, let me strongly suggest, next time, pick up the phone.

The need for well-wishers to proactively engage the bereaved was pointed out to me when I interviewed widower John Von Der Haar for my book, The Widower’s Journey (2017), for which Drs. Deborah Carr and Justin Denney contributed. I asked John, “What was the best thing that happened to you during your grief journey?” John replied, “When I told my family and friends ‘I’m Fine, leave me alone with my thoughts’ they ignored my instructions and forced their way into my life, and I am sure grateful they did.”

The widowed and those who hope to comfort them have a role to play in what has become known as anyone’s grief journey.

For the would-be supporters, Dr. Carr recommends that well-wishers who don’t know what to say to a widower simply “Ask them (widower) about the deceased, let them share a memory.” They know their wife is dead; it’s no great surprise if someone speaks about the deceased. Widowers should encourage others to talk about the deceased and not let their fear of Death get in the way of having a meaningful conversation.” Dr. Carr went on to say how “Whenever people see or experience anything for the first time, they’re not sure what to do. They don’t have a roadmap. So the first time a young assistant sees his or her older boss cry, they simply may not know what to do. It’s hard to get things’ right’ when we don’t have experience dealing with such matters. Nerves can get the better of us.”

But alas, widowers have some ownership of the sought-after solution too. As the founder of the Widowers Support Network (WidowersSupportNetwork.com), I have consoled hundreds of widowed men from around the world. In doing so, I have identified common traits that exist among them, including the need to resist being isolated. Finding themselves residing in a silent home, devoid of even the fragrant residue from their wife’s perfume, is viewed by many as a form of a sentence. To combat this emptiness, widowers need to remove themselves from their sofa or recliner and find purpose in their lives. And while they’re at it, they should find themselves around people who are happy or those who can appreciate their kind gestures. Good examples of these places include the American Red Cross, Meals on Wheels, or your local animal shelter. Widowers may prefer to drive a van that transports our veterans to a local VA hospital or clinic, while others enjoy serving on a committee at their house of worship. When a family member or friend asks a widower if there anything, they can do for them, the widower should say “Yes,” and then assign them even the most trivial of tasks. Doing so will not only enable the widower to cross a job off their to-do list, but it will also serve the supporter with some level of therapeutic relief from the loss they, too, are feeling.

As for the misguided deeds of others, widowers should just let them go and find the peace that awaits them. Widowers can take comfort in knowing that all their would-be supporters did their very best to comfort them. Now it is time for the widowers to do theirs!

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Herb Knoll is the Founder of the Widower’s Support Network and author of the top rated book, The Widower’s Journey. Herb also is the host of a podcast, Widowers Journey Podcast available on all podcast providers. You can write him at herb@widowerssupportnetwork

What’s it like for a man to lose the person at the very center of his life — his wife? Maybe you know firsthand, because you’ve lost a spouse yourself. Or maybe you know a friend or family member who’s a widower, and have wondered what he’s going through and how to help him. Or maybe you’re just curious about what this journey is like, should you, heaven forbid, become a widower one day yourself. No matter which group you fall into, we could all benefit from understanding more about the journey widower’s take through loss, grief, and the effort to establish a new life. Here today to walk us through this process is Herb Knoll, who lost his wife himself and has dedicated his life to helping his fellow widowers. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network which provides free advice and resources to men who’ve lost their spouses, and the author of the book The Widower’s Journey. Today on the show, we discuss Herb’s own experience of becoming a widower, how and why he found that there were few resources available specifically focused on helping men deal with the loss of their wives, and how that catalyzed him into creating such resources himself. We then get into the different issues widowers face, including loneliness, isolation, depression, a decline in their own physical health, and poor decision making, and how and why these issues can manifest themselves differently in men than women. Herb also shares tips on what family and friends can do to support a widower in the months after his spouse dies. We then discuss what dating and marriage is like for a widower, including when the time is right to start dating again and how to handle a second marriage with kids, both financially and psychologically.

Grief is a topic no one wants to study, or learn about, until you are in it. It’s a “if it hasn’t happened to me yet, I certainly don’t want to mention it” kind of thing. Herb Knoll lost his wife Michelle to cancer in 2008 after having been her care giver for 39 months. When Herb went to find a book about grief as a widower, he discovered there were none! So, Herb began researching and writing his book The Widower’s Journey: Helping Men Rebuild After Their Loss, available on Amazon. After completing the book Herb decided there still wasn’t enough support for Widowers, so he started the Widower’s Support Network. Herb is also founder and host for the Widower’s Journey Podcast. Please join us for an interesting discussion with Herb Knoll on today’s Hope Thru Grief as we touch on subjects like why are men so vulnerable, why the support material for widower’s so limited and what are the challenges in grief for men? If you’d like to purchase a copy of Herb’s book The Widower’s Journey: Helping Men Rebuild After Their Loss you may contact Herb directly at Herb@widowerssupportnetwork.com and if you mention the discount code Hope you’ll receive a 15% discount of the purchase price of his book!

“How has everyone been dealing with the loneliness, especially in this socially distancing world?” Jeremy asked this question, a member of the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a ministry on Facebook for grieving men who have lost their soulmate. The responses to Jeremy’s question ranged from “It’s almost indescribable” by Stephen to Bill, who wrote, “I’ve tried the dating sites and haven’t had any luck. I just know I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

Add to this challenge that many men struggle making new friends, resulting in a lack of potential participants who could play a critical role in their support group. Wives frequently double as the head of the family’s social calendar. After the wife dies, the men are left to fend for themselves, often without success. The couples you use to chum around frequently fail to include the newly minted widower in future gatherings. One widower shared with me how his best friend stops inviting him over because he was fearful the widower would hit on his wife.

Is it any wonder widowers’ resort to climbing into their bunker while saying, “I’m fine, leave me alone with my thoughts?” Widowed men widely hold this misguided view. Widowers desperately wished to have someone come and visit, meet them for lunch, or include them in a gathering, but to ask for such inclusion would be to admit a weakness, or so widowers think, resulting in self-imposed Isolation.

And just when you thought the widower was coming out of his grief journey, the world was beset by a pandemic, and the widower develops a bad case of Compound Isolation. Self-distancing becomes the mandate, preventing family and friends from visiting the ailing widower to comfort him, now forcing supporters to identify new ways to be there for him.

I asked Dr. Deborah Carr, Chair of Boston University’s Sociology Dept. to explore the topic of Compound Isolation: its risks and its remedies. Dr. Carr has dedicated the past twenty-years studying grief and end-of-life issues, as well as how families can prepare together for the impending death of a loved one. Compound Isolation can be defined as that Isolation caused by multiple sources, as in the case of a widower self-imposing Isolation following the death of a spouse, compounded by government-mandated Isolation, i.e., social distancing.

Dr. Carr pointed out how, in most families, the wife or the mom is considered the kin keeper. The woman tends to be the one historically who reaches out to others, who arranges zoom meetings, birthday parties,
etc. “Widowers not only lost the love of their life and health mate, but they’ve also lost their connection to the outside world.”

“Men won’t reach out (even though they would be wise to do so) preferring people to approach them, and that’s hard to do today because there’s no normal social interaction.” They not only miss their family and friends, but they are also yearning for conversation at their company’s water cooler, communication with teammates during meetings, and over lunch with colleagues or clients. They attempt to interact with a clerk at the local Home Depot or Publix grocery store to fill the void that Compound Isolation creates, albeit when wearing a mask. “There’s no interaction with neighbors or his buddies when playing golf, said Dr. Carr. “Often, men who are widowers, especially if they are of a certain age, are grappling with health problems of their own. So, they also must be vigilant about not putting themselves at risk,” Carr added. “So even if they wanted to go out and see other people, some widowers might be hesitant to do so in-person because they were dealing with health symptoms of their own,” said Dr. Carr. Collectively, all these forces are conspiring to keep widowers in their homes without social connections.

Dr. Carr went on to say that there are a lot of dangers to Compound Isolation. The first is a widower’s physical health. Arranging doctors’ visits and picking up needed medication can be easily dismissed or postponed. Studies show that loneliness and social Isolation, even in non-pandemic times, are linked with mental health problems like depression, anxiety, and heightened grief. Some health conditions like diabetes or heart disease can also occur. There may be no one around to make sure that a widower is eating and sleeping and behaving in all those ways that helped us sustain our health. Dr. Carr pointed out, “The pandemic has created difficulties for everybody, including economic loss, job loss, and diminishing wealth, including investment wealth.”

I asked Dr. Carr what to watch for if you find yourself suffering from Compound Isolation? She replied, “Often when we’re feeling sad or lonely, we choose to make ourselves feel better. But sometimes, the things that we choose to accomplish this are harmful. So, if we are feeling stressed out, doing something like yoga or deep breathing activities, or picking up a phone and calling someone, those are a productive way to deal with feelings of anxiety, loss, or Isolation. For others, it might be something like drinking more than one did in the past or staying in bed all day because one is upset, which can lead to muscles atrophying. Another is eating comfort foods around the clock without the bonus of going out and burning up those calories.”

If a widower were to ignore the warning signs resulting from possible Compound Isolation, he could be creating even more significant problems for himself. “Without warning signs observed, a widower is unable to discover what is harming him. If a man’s not going to work, there is no one around to notice that there’s alcohol on his breath. If he is not playing golf, there was no one to see that he is looking disheveled and that there might be some depression underlying it. This state puts the burden on friends and family members to do a regular reach out, a ZOOM call, even if they are not requested to do so.” Let us hope you have family and friends who are willing to serve. Invite them into your life. It not only will help them grieve the loss of your wife, but it will also help you during your grief journey. An extra effort is needed to avoid the dangers and risks associated with Compound Isolation. The first line of defense is the widower himself.

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Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widowers, a professional speaker, and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey. Available at Amazon.com in paperback and all digital formats. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network (WidowersSupportNetwork.com), featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men, and a second Facebook page which is open to the general public at Widowers Support Network. Contact Herb at herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com.

Copyright 2020 Widowers Support Network, LLC
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As I pulled up to the traffic light at Highway #1604 and Blanco Rd. in San Antonio, I looked over to my right and saw a car pulling up beside me. In it was an elderly couple, each with their radiant silver hair. I immediately felt a sadness come over me as I was on my way to the hospital, where my beautiful wife Michelle was dying of pancreatic cancer. She would earn her Angel Wings a few weeks later.
I was so jealous of the couple, as I always have dreamed of growing old together with my wife. I dreamed of enjoying our golden years, visiting our grandchildren, and taking the leisurely vacations we have long promised ourselves. And why not? We each had sacrificed so we could look forward to retirement; I was a banker, and Michelle was a dental assistant. It was not to be. Apparently, God needed her more than me.
I recall in my youth, when I sold men’s clothing at a men’s specialty shop, I would always get a kick out of the women who accompanied their husbands when buying their clothing. The ladies would fuss over the color, the fit, the fabric, and tailoring provided their husbands. Many wives would encourage the husbands to splurge by buying more than they had anticipated buying or even needed, or they would tell their husbands to purchase the more expensive brands of clothing, figuring he deserved it. The smiles of approval on the wives’ faces when her man exited from the dressing room adorned with a new garment said it all. She loved him and wanted the best for him, even in his old age. Oh, I was so envious. I could only think to myself how fortunate these men; he has a woman who loves him completely.
Most men will die ahead of their wives but will enjoy a good portion of their golden years. One in five will outlive their spouses, and those who do frequently suffer, and they do so quietly, failing to draw attention to themselves. Some have faith they can lean upon, while many fight off feelings of guilt, loneliness, or a broken heart. Many have financial challenges they must endure while still others have children to raise, or jobs they are trying to hang onto, or troubled relationships with family members or friends. The problems are too numerous to list. In short, they need help. But where can help be found?
Introducing: Widower’s Support Network (WSN), a ministry for widowers. WSN hosts a free private Facebook page just for widowed men or men currently serving as caregivers for a seriously ill spouse or life-partner. Its name: Widowers Support Network – Members Only (WSN-MO). Currently, WSN-MO supports nearly 1,100 men from 29 countries. Sadly, over 50% of the men we serve are under the age of fifty. Many have children. They, too, may have had unfulfilled dreams of growing old together with their brides. From childbirth to suicide, car accidents, cancer, drug overdose, to perishing on a battlefield wearing a uniform of their country, death awaits us all. Sadly, for many women, it arrives when they least expect it, dashing away from the dreams they shared of growing old together with their husbands.
The Widower’s Support Network is a non-judgmental ministry free of any politics. Its mission is to provide support to widowed men and caregivers whose plans for their golden years did not work out. The Widower’s Support Network – Members Only may well be the greatest FREE resource available to widowers on planet earth. To apply, see Widowers Support Network-Members Only on Facebook.
For those who enjoy listening to podcasts, we offer the Widowers Journey Podcast, where we interview authors, subject matter experts, and of course, widowers in search of best practices and advice that widowers seek.
Know a widower? Suggest he gives me a call. I am eager to help him during his most challenging periods. (615) 579.8136.
Dreams come true if you help them.

Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widowers, a professional speaker, and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey. Available at Amazon.com in paperback and all digital formats. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network (WidowersSupportNetwork.com), featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men, and a second Facebook page which is open to the general public at Widowers Support Network. Contact Herb at herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com.

Copyright 2020 Widower’s Support Network LLC

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What do Tom Brady, Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan, and Derek Jeter all have in common? We could start with a considerable amount of athletic ability. Each of these supreme athletes has been recognized as among the best of the best in their sport. They also had one secret weapon each used to master their play; one trait “high achievers” routinely display, they are coachable.
Think about it. Tom, Wayne, Michael, and Derek earned enormous amounts of salary for their athletic prowess, yet, they were willing subjects who intently listened to the coaching offered by men making a fraction of what the players received. Why were they so ready to embrace the words of their coaches? It’s simple. Coaches (mentors) make good people better. They help great people become world-class.
As I continue to work with widowers worldwide, I can’t help but notice how some widowers are reluctant to be coached. There are many reasons why this may occur. The widower’s entrenched ego may prevent him from asking for help, or he simply has too much pride to admit that he might benefit from some sage advice provided by another. Their reluctance to accept coaching could be brought about by their belief that they know what’s best for themselves. One widower once told me, “It’s not manly to talk with you,” suggesting that men who are coached are somehow less of a man.
I love being coached! Throughout my career, I reaped the benefits (not to the level of our athlete’s superstars) of being coached by men who were willing to invest their time in me. Officially, I had four coaches during my 38 years in banking. Each had a gift of being able to fine-tune whatever behavior they were coaching. In my case, it was my career, my performance, and my personal development. I considered it a badge of honor when one of my coaches, Rick Barrera of Rancho Santa Fe, California, once said, “Herb is the most coachable man I know.” And why shouldn’t I be? Rick made me be a better writer, communicator, and public speaker.
Men are “fixers,” and as such, they recognize that their role in life is to provide and to fix things, even when it’s their own shattered life. Much like a man who is reluctant to ask for directions, widowers are frequently slow to ask for coaching from someone who has the insights, and the life experiences that, when shared, can accelerate the widower’s travels during his grief journey. Instead, many will go through it alone, many with disappointing results. How senseless. How unfortunate.
Regardless of a widower’s situation, each needs to remain coachable. I care not about their public standing, their age, their education, etc., as each widower, without exception, is vulnerable. Whether they quietly subscribe to the teachings of others from afar, or they formalize the establishment of a personal coach, mentor, or an advocate who will look out for them, widowers

would be wise to remain coachable. And while you’re at it, there is nothing wrong with having several coaches. Remember, I had four official coaches and many unofficial coaches.
Widowers don’t have all the answers to the untold number and yet unseen challenges they will soon be facing. Never have. Never will. I have volumes of stories I could share about widowers who made every mistake imaginable, from excessive depletion of one’s savings to impulsive marriages that lasted but a few weeks. Sadly, many of the self-destructive decisions made by widowers were after they received coaching instructing them to make a different decision. In those cases, the widowers simply were not “coachable.” They undoubtedly thought they knew better, foolishly believing a man’s DNA included learning how to fix all of life’s many challenges.

Assemble Your Personal Advisory Board

One way of creating a team of coaches is to establish a support network (I refer to them as a widower’s Personal Advisory Board). They could be a team of individuals, hailing from your collection of lifelong friends, neighbors, a fellow parishioner from your church, relatives, or a select group of professionals (doctor, lawyer, financial planner, life-coach, confidante, etc.) Your Personal Advisory Board represents your go-to team, whose job it is to become familiar with your life situation and advise you as needed. Forming a Personal Advisory Board is a great way to allow another person who is also grieving your wife’s loss to contribute to the entire family’s healing. You could even say it would be therapeutic for them and you. Widower Chris Sweet tells us how he reached out and found one of his old high school buddies that had previously lost his wife. He and I use to play basketball together but lost touch after graduation. “I felt horrible for him, and I remember how I didn’t know what to say to him. After some time, I found myself thinking how, given his loss, he was aware of what I was going through and might be able to help me make sense out of what was going on with me.” We spoke on the phone and exchanged a few emails. That was all I needed to keep me going a little while longer.” Chris adds, “Just knowing that there are other people out there like me helped. “I didn’t need to become best friends or go out for coffee every day so that we could share stories. I just needed to know they were there if needed.” I asked widower and subject matter expert Catholic priest Rev. Gregg Elliott, if he thought men had difficulty reaching for help? “I had always been taught to be the rock regardless of the situation,” says Father Elliott. “In the military, where I spent twenty-eight years, men are taught to be not so much self-sufficient but sufficiently strong enough to handle whatever came along. It is part of the grieving process that men, over time, will reach the stage when they recognize how they need help.” The realization of the need causes the widower to muster the courage necessary to reveal his need to the appropriate relief source to secure the desired assistance. Grieving will take its toll on the best of men—those who hope to recover need to mimic the behaviors of our sports heroes. Identify your coaches, your mentors, and your advocates, and then, for Pete’s sake, listen to them. Widowers eager to receive group coaching are encouraged to join the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a free and private Facebook (men only) page for widowers and caregivers of seriously ill spouses. Now, where’s did I put my whistle and clipboard.

Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widowers, a professional speaker, and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey. Available at Amazon.com in paperback and all digital formats. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network (WidowersSupportNetwork.com), featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men only, and a second Facebook page, which is open to the general public at Widowers Support Network. Herb hosts the Widowers Journey Podcast, available on all podcast hosting services. Contact at herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com.

Copyright 2019 Widowers Support Network LLC
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As a widower, you know that you are not the only one grieving. Following the passing of your wife, pain is endured by many, such as your wife’s parents, siblings, relatives, neighbors, co-workers, fellow parishioners, or friends. Their grief can be as intense as what you experience, and this is especially true for children. Being the surviving parent of grieving children is yet another challenge you may face, and sometimes it is the most challenging role of all. You need to understand that role and help tend to your children’s grief while you tend to your own. It may be especially critical for men who are fathers to young children.
The challenges are many, from communication to obstacles you may face, to how to handle questions or issues your children may have if you start dating. And there are many others, so be prepared as they are sure to arise.
Just as there is no single way to grieve, there is no one way to become a single, supportive parent. But I will propose one hard-and-fast rule: Be open. Men who suppress their emotions hurt or permanently stunt their recovery. And experts tell us that as you deal with grief yourself, openly and honestly, you are also helping your children. Nothing is gained by suppressing or hiding your recovery; it can become detrimental. Says clinical psychologist Edward Zimmer: “If the widower cannot allow for expressing and processing his grief, then he will inhibit that process for his children. This unresolved grief will have emotional consequences for both later in life.”
And if that is not motivation enough, there is a silver lining to sharing. Professor Deborah Carr of Boston University says a mother’s death can bring fathers closer to their children. “Women are usually the ones who make the phone calls and that the kids expose what their feeling in their hearts. Often a husband will just say, ‘Talk to your mother.’ But when the mother is gone, they may see a real increase in the level of closeness with their kids.”
That was the experience of widower Chris Sweet, who said playing dual-parent roles was difficult, but it bought him and his three children closer. “I was close with my kids before, but we bonded further. It was a tough time for us, but I always made sure that we enjoyed our time together. We were able to laugh, and we had as much fun as we could have.”
Of course, how you support your children (or how children support you) varies based on the child’s age. Here’s one good example. While adult children are often a source of support for older widowers, young children are often confused, traumatized, or scared by a mother’s death.
Dr. Bruce Perry, M.D., Ph.D., of the Child Trauma Center in Houston, Texas, and an authority on brain development, offered this lesson. “Most children do not know what to expect following the loss of a family member or friend,” and he encourages people not to be afraid to speak with the children. “When discussing this issue with children, be sure to use age-appropriate language and explanations. As the child gets further away from the event, they will be able to focus longer, digest more, and make more sense of what has happened.
Not all communications with children go as planned. Should a widower’s interactions with their children break down, the widower may want to seek professional help. “Some families may benefit from a few family therapy sessions,” says Dr. Carr, “as it gives them a safe space to have a conversation led and moderated by an expert.
Remember, if you are a widower, you are not the only one who is grieving. By proactively engaging your children in their grief, you will be contributing to your recovery.

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Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widowers, a professional speaker, and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey. Available at Amazon.com in paperback and all digital formats. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network (WidowersSupportNetwork.com), featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men, and a second Facebook page which is open to the general public at Widowers Support Network. Herb is also the host of the Widower’s Journey Podcast featured on iTunes and other podcast networks. Contact Herb at herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com.

2019 Copyright – Widower’s Support Network LLC
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