The Widowers Journey

Category: Healing

  • Reasons to be Thankful

    As Thanksgiving Day draws near, we mourn the loss of our wives or life partners. Holidays are complex; some say the holidays during the “first year” following a loss are the most painful. While we mourn, I wish to express reasons to be grateful.

    It started with your wife or life partner saying…”Yes.” She chose to spend her life with you. She gave you every day she had to give, to love and laugh with you. She was there to help you overcome life’s many hurdles, side by side with you. Your wife prepared thousands of meals for your enjoyment and pleasure, each crafted with love. For many of you, your wife carried and then gave birth to your children, leaving them behind to look after Dad.

    Your wife made your house a home. She may have picked up your slippers or sacrificed a movie she wanted to see so you could watch the Big Game. Some of you may have had the luxury of your wife’s income that helped purchase your home or took care of the car payments. She kept the family’s social calendar and decorated your home for the holidays. She may have planned the family’s vacations or spent evenings cleaning the bathroom while you went to bed. Some of you enjoyed it when she would get up before you to make breakfast and keep you company as you drank your morning coffee. And when the mood was right, she invited you into her arms.

    Make no mistake, your wife would want you to move forward in the life you have been provided as you would have wanted her to do the same. Some of you will discover love as I did with Maria, while still others will find joy in life by helping others. Some will rediscover what you’ve been missing by spending more time with your children and grandchildren, while others may write a book or take up an instrument.

    Yes, we widowers have much to be grateful for… and it all started with her saying, “Yes!”

    Happy Thanksgiving to you, my brothers!

  • KNOW A WIDOWER? – YOU BETTER KEEP AN EYE ON HIM

    Widowers are vulnerable.  Very vulnerable!  In fact, according to research by Dr. Justin Denney of Washington State University, widowed men have 1.6 to 2.0 times the risk of death by suicide compared to otherwise similar married men, and they will do so within two years of their wife’s death.  Still, another research suggests the rate may be even higher.  And that is just the beginning.  Widowers have an increased rate of diabetes, hypertension, and more.  Widowers are at risk of being diagnosed with depression, which can negatively impact virtually every aspect of their lives.  The challenges are many, from raising children to maintaining their career, handling personal finances, ongoing relationships with others, and dating.  Sadly, few men are equipped to handle any of these.

    “If we’re all going to die, why is it that we are so ill-prepared to deal with it?” said John Von Der Haar (68), who lost his wife, Mary Jane, in 2013.  Good question. 

    While there is no cut-and-dry answer, we can point to clues that have contributed to the problems widowers face.  From the time little boys are learning to walk, they are repeatedly told how “boys don’t cry” or “Be a man!” Much like our fathers and grandfathers who returned from wars, rarely speaking of their days in uniform, many widowed men do not believe they are allowed to cry or grieve outside our society’s shadows.  It is as though they are seeking permission to grieve.  They hold their feelings to themselves until they feel they can speak, offering common phrases such as “I’m OK; just leave me alone with my thoughts.” When family, friends, and colleagues leave a widower alone, they create an environment that will likely make the widower’s grief more challenging.   Frankly, it is the worst thing that can happen. 

    Master Sergeant Chris Sweet – USAF (ret) has worked with military personnel diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  A terrifying event triggers this mental health condition.  When asked if he thought widowers are at risk of PTSD diagnoses following the loss of their spouse, Sweet said, “Absolutely.” Sweet should know he lost his wife, Danielle (30), who contracted Leukemia in 2009 after the U.S. Air Force deployed her to Afghanistan.  According to Sweet, “All of the symptoms people living with PTSD experience are precisely what I went through following the passing of Danielle.  It’s no different.”

    Men need a purpose.  To provide, protect, and love their mate.  When a wife dies, many men seem to lose their reason for living, providing the basis for other problems to grow.   

    With so many problems facing widowers, you would think there would be a host of self-help materials available for them.  I felt so too.  That’s why I visited a large box book store following my wife Michelle’s passing in 2008.  “Mister, we don’t have a damn thing for you.” These were the words spoken to me by the clerk after he had searched his store’s database for available titles.  The fact is the publishing industry has abandoned men by their refusal to publish books that address the needs of men.  “Men don’t buy books,” multiple publishers have told me.  My response: “Men certainly can’t buy what isn’t on the shelf.”

    SOLUTION:  For all the reasons cited and more, I elected to leave my 38-year career in banking and dedicated my life to the comfort and support of widowers.  After nine years of research and writing, I published The Widower’s Journey in 2017.  The Widower’s Journey is a self-help book for widowers and those who love them, featuring candid advice and best practices expressed by over forty contributing widowers.  A team of experts from law, phycology, sociology, financial planning, religion, and more supports the contributing widowers.  The book’s contributors hail from across America and represent a cross-section of social, economic, and geographic backgrounds, as well as various circumstances surrounding the passing of their wives.

    If you are a widower, or should you know a widower that you want to comfort or assist, The Widower’s Journey is the perfect guide to give them.  Available on Amazon.com in paperback and all digital formats.

    You will also find additional support available at Widowers Support Network LLC (WSN).  There are three ways to access WSN resources, four of which are free.

    1.  Visit the WSN website at www.WidowersSupportNetwork.com.  It contains helpful information, including nearly 500 articles written by subject matter experts, Ph.Ds, authors, and widowed men.     

    2.  Join Widowers Support Network – Members Only on Facebook.  A private men’s only group page where widowers, caregivers, and subject matter experts support one another.  This Facebook page is a “Men’s Only” resource.

    3.  Listen to episodes of “Widowers Journey Podcast” (https://widowersjourney.libsyn.com) featuring outstanding guests and currently followed by widowers in forty-four countries.   

    By completing all three steps, you will receive numerous comforting suggestions, time-sensitive grief recovery tips, and best practices from widowed men and various experts.

    You are also encouraged to purchase The Widower’s Journey, my book that earns 4.5 stars on Amazon.  Available at Amazon.com in paperback, kindle, and audiobook.   

    Feel free to write me at herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com or by contacting my office at 615.579.8136.

    _______________________________________________________________________________________

    Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widowers, a professional speaker, and the author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey.  Available at Amazon.com in paperback and all digital formats.  Herb founded the Widower’s Support Network LLC (WidowersSupportNetwork.com), featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men, and a second Facebook page open to the general public at Widowers Support Network.  Contact Herb atherb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com. 

    Copyright 2023 Widower’s Support Network LLC (Proof)

  • #UpspiralGrief with Herb Knoll

    Herb Knoll is a former banking executive turned widower advocate. Herb lost his bride, Michelle Knoll in 2008 to pancreatic cancer. He soon discovered there was few resources available for widowers in dealing with their grief. He resigned his position and rededicated his life to helping widowed men. Herb published his book, The Widower’s Journey and hosts the podcast, “Widower’s Journey Podcast,” which currently has followers in 44 countries. Herb also hosts the Facebook Page, “Widower’s Support Network – Members Only,” exclusively for widowed men, which currently serves over 2,000 men in 38 countries 365 days each year. Herb and his new wife Maria reside in Florida, USA. Note: These interviews are recorded & shared on various platforms to spread positive & inspiring impulses around the globe on how to deal with loss differently to what society currently has on offer! For further resources please visit MarieAlessi.com.

  • Playing Not To Lose

    by David W. Welday

    March Madness is here!  Whether or not you follow college basketball, it’s hard not to be aware that the NCAA college basketball tournament (affectionately known as “March Madness”) is happening.   

    In our family we all fill out a bracket…some of us take it seriously while others fill out their bracket just to be part of the fun.  I don’t know which teams will make the “sweet sixteen”, “final four” or who will eventually win the tournament, but what I can be pretty confident will happen at some point during the tournament, is there will be at least one team who gets knocked out not because the other team was superior but because they beat themselves.  We see it almost every season, one team has a comfortable lead going down the home stretch, and instead of turning on the gas, looking to put the other team away, they tighten up, begin to play more conservatively. They play not to lose.  The other team seizes the opportunity, the momentum of the game shifts and the team that was ahead ultimately loses.   

    We can see this play out in other areas – public policy for example.  Decisions are made not to advance our cause, promote democracy or exert influence in the world but rather to appease, not make waves and avoid conflict.     

    For sure, there are times when the wise strategy is to focus on defense more than offense – to keep your thoughts to yourself rather than push an issue.  Timing is everything.  But sometimes we need to stick to our guns, lead with conviction and press through a challenge rather than pull back.  There are times when you need to play to win, not just to avoid losing.  How do you know?   Every situation is different.  You may be dealing with a relationship issue, a business issue, a priority issue or something else.  Here are some thoughts to help guide you.   

    Convenience or Consequence – If you choose to hold back and not press a point, that will likely be more convenient.  Most people don’t like conflict and pressing your point or pushing an agenda may create conflict.  But what are the consequences if you don’t contend for what you believe is best?   

    Some decisions may not be that important.  Yes, you really think the walls of the new office or family room should be beige instead of grey. But if you surrender to grey, will that impact productivity all that much?  Will the peaceful resolution bring more benefit not just to you but to all involved, than holding out to get your way?     

    On the other hand, what if you are convinced the person being considered for hire is not the right person for the job?  Making a bad hire could cost the company untold amounts of money in lower productivity or having to redo work that was done wrong.   

    Being Right or Relationship – Maybe your point of view is correct.  You have insight, experience or expertise that causes you to be 100% confident you are right.  But the person you are dealing with is more emotionally fragile and overriding their decision could send them into a tailspin of self-doubt or deprecation.  Sometimes keeping the peace or putting the needs and feelings of others ahead of coming to the “right solution” is a greater win than actually winning your point.  Maybe standing your ground will cause others to think less of you, but the stakes are high enough that you need to play to win and just not save face.   

    Yes, we need to be conscious of not pulling back and playing not to lose – SOMETIMES.  And sometimes, the greater win comes from holding back in order to let the other person shine – the other team win, the less-than-ideal solution be the one you go with.   

    Pay attention to when you find yourself in those situations where you have to internally decide whether to play for the win – to press your point and when the better strategy is to pull back.  May you make the wise decision every time!   
    _______________________________________________________
    David W.Welday III is the president of HigherLife Publishing and Marketing in Orlando, Florida.  

    Article reprinted with permission

  • How To Overcome Grief with Guest, Herb Knoll

    How To Overcome Grief with Guest, Herb Knoll, Author & Widowers Support Worldwide chat with Host, Cece Shatz, Doyenne of Relationships, Divorce, Dating & Relationship Coach in the Going Solo with Cece Show.

    This show is sponsored by GoingSoloCommunity.com and MeetTheRight1.com

    WGSN-DB Going Solo Network 24/7 Live Streaming Radio, TV & Podcasts – #1 Internet Singles Talk Network (www.goingsolomedia.com) for a Complete Singles Connection (www.goingsolonetwork.com) & Going Solo Community (www.goingsolocommunity.com).

    Contact Cece @ goingsolonetwork@gmail.com

    A bit more about Cece…

    Cece Shatz is the “Doyenne” of Relationship Loss, Divorce, Transition into Dating, Dating, Single Parent’s Support and helping Singles learn to live their BEST lives.

    She is an inspirational Divorce and Life Transition Coach, Public Speaker with a unique style of healing from within. Her intuitive skills reach beyond to those who are struggling in coping and redefining their lives. Cece has relate-ability as she has the “been there done that” approach to life. She has fondly been called the Life Changing Coach – Your Best Friend …. Your Mentor!

    Websites:

    http://www.GoingSoloMedia.com – Singles Talk Radio, TV & Podcasting http://www.GoingSoloNetwork.com – Going Solo Singles Connection http://www.GoingSoloCommunity.com – Interactive Singles Connection Community http://www.GoingSoloDirectory.com – Singles Go-to Professional Directory http://www.MeetTheRight1.com – Interactive Dating Connection Community

    More about Herb Knoll…

    For nearly 14 years, I have dedicated my life to the service of widowers worldwide, and during that time, I have learned much about what it takes to recover from male grief. From the widower’s mental and physical health to their financial health, ensuring their career is stable, and their relationships with their children, in-laws, friends, and family have recovered if they suffered following their bride’s passing. Grieving men need to address each part of their life that may have fallen into disarray following the loss. Much like an airplane preparing to take off, all systems must be in “go mode” before the pilot commits to going airborne. While my view is not a surefire way to regain JOY, it is one of the steps that may go a long way to recovery from grief.

    Contact Info:

    Email: herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com

    Website: https://WidowersSupportNetwork.com

    Book: The Widower’s Journey – Amazon.com

    Podcast: Widower’s Journey Podcast, hosted by Herb Knoll

    Facebook: Widowers Support Network – Members Only

  • A Widower’s Journey-Herb Knoll – Men n’ More-Podcast

    A Widower's Journey-Herb Knoll – Men n more-Podcast

    In this episode we talk to the celebrated author of the bestseller "A Widower's Journey, Herb Knoll. He is not just an author but a social worker too, and runs a network to support widowers across the globe. His Facebook page WSN-Widower Support Network, has become a support for many grieving widowers across the world. We talked to him about his journey as a widower and why did he start this network and what are his future endeavors. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy this enlightening session with Herb Knoll.

  • Do You Have Male Friends?

    Noted clinical psychologist Edward Zimmer, MA, from Savannah, Georgia, is a friend of mine. You may recognize his name as he was a contributor to my book, The Widower’s Journey, and has been a guest on my podcast, Widower’s Journey Podcast. Better said, he is a childhood friend I first met on a baseball diamond when I was only twelve years old.

    Today, Ed sent me a link to an article written by Madeline Holcombe and published by CNN. The piece, “Why most men don’t have enough close friends,” struck me as what the research cites parallels what I have been experiencing since I founded the Widower’s Support Network.

    I have previously noted and reported how my followers’ number one complaint is loneliness. Secondly, I have mentioned how very few widowed men have friends they can count on when they need a confidant. Most friends come from their pool of co-workers or clients, and they become diminished once the man retires. Fewer men have genuine friends dating back to their youth. And fewer still know how – or think it less manly – to seek out new friends. Widowed men, frequently turn away those who offer assistance following their wife’s death – thinking acceptance is less manly. Yet, they wonder why their few male friends stop coming around, causing widowed men to complain further about feeling abandoned.

    I suggest widowers get off the sofa and volunteer for a worthy cause where they can interact with people or join a civic organization like the Knights of Columbus, Rotary, or Lions Club. The lack of friends or loneliness may contribute to widowed men’s eagerness to remarry the first or second girl they may date. This rush to the Justice of the Peace frequently ends in an expensive divorce. They become confused between “love” and “replacing what’s missing, their wife.”

    Here is the link to Madeline’s insightful article. See if you don’t recognize a few similarities between Madeline’s discovery and your widower’s journey.

    https://www.cnn.com/…/men-friendships-wellness/index.html

  • To Overcome Grief – One Needs to Address All Facets of Life

    For nearly 14 years, I have dedicated my life to the service of widowers worldwide, and during that time, I have learned much about what it takes to recover from male grief.  From the widower’s mental and physical health to their financial health, ensuring their career is stable, and their relationships with their children, in-laws, friends, and family have recovered if they suffered following their bride’s passing.  Grieving men need to address each part of their life that may have fallen into disarray following the loss.  Much like an airplane preparing to take off, all systems must be in “go mode” before the pilot commits to going airborne.  While my view is not a surefire way to regain JOY, it is one of the steps that may go a long way to recovery from grief.

    I have witnessed many widowers stumble and fall following their failed attempts to regain normalcy in their life.  The number one complaint I hear from those widowed is how lonely they have become.  The home they shared with their bride falls silent.  The scent of their wife’s perfume is absent from the pillow lying beside them.  Yet a large percentage of widowers do little to remedy their situation.  It is as though they become comfortable in their grief and don’t wish to lose it, for it is one of the remaining connections they have to their deceased bride.  Men who grieve should take their time and only act when they are ready.  Eventually, most widowers will come around and realize JOY still awaits them.  They think less frequently of the sad memories, such as regrets they may harbor, and slowly begin recalling those moments they cherish with greater regularity.

    Grief has a place in our lives and shouldn’t be rushed, but are those widowers wishing to seek JOY ready to escape the jaws of their suffering?  What if the children still cry for their mother, or their adult children express concerns about their father dating too soon?  What if the mortgage payments are in arrears and the lender is threatening foreclosure, a result of the reduction in household income after losing the wife’s salary or social security income?  What if a relationship with your wife’s friends and family suffered from any events during her illness or following her passing, or you finally realize how you have few friends you can lean upon and have no idea how to make new friends?  Each of these situations – and there are many more – can serve as a constant reminder of the life a widower no longer enjoys, that of being a married man.  Each prevents a widower from moving forward with his life and throws him back into the grief pool.

    Men are fixers; it is part of every man’s DNA.  When our wives would tell us that the light was out in a lamp, she was really telling us to change the lamp’s bulb or fix it.  As men, we understood this role – all part of being a husband – and we were more than happy to comply.  But many men frequently fail to recognize how they are the one who is broken and require repairs.  Like a car with a flat tire that can’t be driven, widowers who desire to move forward are best advised to – (as my brother used to say) “Take care of business first.” And that business is doing what you can to ensure the many areas of your life are in excellent or optimal operating order.

    Every widower is encouraged to become a student of grief and how it affects men.  There are plenty of tools available to help in this process.  Pick up a copy of my book, The Widower’s Journey, or another book written explicitly for widowed men and read it.  Develop a checklist of items needing your attention with target dates to be completed, then prioritize your list.  Join grief groups like GriefShare (usually available at Christian churches) or one sponsored by Hospice.  Join Facebook’s private page exclusively for men – Widower’s Support Network – Members Only.  There, you can share your challenges with over 2,000 widowed men from 38 countries.  Don’t worry; you’ll never be judged.  

    Register on the Widower’s Support Network LLC website.  You will find many resources to assist you during your grief journey.  Among the tools, you will find instructions on how to form your advisory board that can help with their sage advice, including your trusted advisors, family members, and others.  See https://WidowersSupportNetwork.com

    Enjoy the lively episodes of the Widower’s Journey Podcast, hosted by Herb Knoll, and learn from his guests, including subject matter experts as they address many of the issues that widowers can encounter.  With followers in 44 countries, this is one very popular podcast, so don’t miss out.  See: https://widowersjurney.libsyn.com  

    See a doctor, even if you believe yourself to be healthy, and take corrective measures where needed.  Talk with your children, in-laws, family, and friends.  Make time for them, seek their advice and counsel, and be candid with them.  Remember, they lost someone too.  

    Get your financial house in order.  Make plans to reduce debt where needed and avoid additional debt or making significant financial decisions until everything facet of your life has stabilized.

    Most importantly, if you are a man of faith, turn to your church, temple, synagogue, mosque, or house of worship.  Be sure your performance at work is at the level expected by those to whom you report.

    There is much to consider.  You can do it, just as millions of other men have before you.

    God’s speed.

    _______________________________________________________________________

    Herb Knoll is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network LLC, an advocate for Widowers, a professional speaker, and the author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey.  Available at Amazon.com in paperback and all digital formats.  

    Email: herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com

    Podcast: Widower’s Journey Podcast, hosted by Herb Knoll.

    Web: WidowersSupportNetwork.com.

    Facebook: Widowers Support Network – Members Only and at Widowers Support Network

    Copyright 2022 Widower’s Support Network LLC

  • Familiar Places

    Familiar Places

    I know this happens to you.  As you travel around your town, you pass by many places that were once either special or routine to you and your late wife.  If you’re like me, sometimes you pass by them absentmindedly.  Other times it brings tears to your eyes.

    For me, the places are within a five-mile radius of my house.  Most are on our primary thoroughfare in Ballwin, Missouri, where I’ve lived for the past 39 years.  It’s a four-lane highway with numerous shops, stores, gas stations, and eating establishments.  It’s a typical American suburban landscape.

    Regardless of my travel direction, I’m bombarded by decades of memories.  Jan and I frequented every restaurant on that highway.  We hit them all many times.  There is not a drug store, a supermarket, a park, or a gas station, etc., that escaped us.  If I let my thoughts wander, I can see us in each one of those places on numerous occasions.  I can “hear” our conversations.  I can see her lovely face with her million-dollar smile that used to light up a room.  I can’t see when her life was ebbing in those memories.  The memories are all happy ones.

    It was tough enough for me when I would pass these establishments when she was an invalid at home being attended to by her 24/7 caregivers while I was out.  I would get nostalgic for those happy times, knowing that we would never be able to experience them again.  But while lost in those thoughts, I knew she was still alive.

    Those were the days of anticipatory grief.  Many of you know exactly what I’m talking about.  But what I experienced after Jan died was much more intense.  These establishments took on a haunting quality.  It became tough for me to enter them.  Going to the supermarket, drugstore, and our local gas station can be gut-wrenching.  I see her in every aisle of our supermarket and drugstore.  I see her making herself a cup of hot tea at the local QuickTrip that I frequent for gas and coffee.

    I make myself go into these places with other people I know.  I act like there’s nothing unusual, but I can see tables in these establishments where we once happily sat.  I avoid sitting at certain tables.  I usually keep my pain to myself.  Just being in these familiar places is challenging enough.

    I catch myself talking to her as I drive by them, asking her if she remembers our stopping there in the past.  Telling her how happy I was with her doing even the simplest of things.  I chastise myself for how I thought that we had forever ahead of us in this life.  Sometimes I just sigh; other times, I weep.  At all times, I tell her how much I love her and miss her; and how I look forward to reuniting with her for eternity on her side of the veil.  More than anything, that keeps me going.

    I wish I could say that it has gotten easier for me, but that would not be true.  However, I’m able to accept the truth more readily, that she’s never coming back to me and that I must get on with what remains of my life.  Mercifully, I have a purpose to my life now that is divinely directed.  I tell God that I am his.  He is directing my hospice ministry.  My workload of mercy to other men who are caregivers and widowers is rapidly increasing.  There is plenty of demand, unfortunately.  I know that when my work is all completed, he will gently call me home.  I tell him that I trust in him and that she will be there to greet me when I cross over.

    When Jan and I were young—dating and newly married- we enjoyed sitting and listening to The Lettermen sing old songs in perfect harmony.  One of their best songs was from the World War II era: “I’ll Be Seeing You.”  There were millions of goodbyes going on when that song was popular.  Tens of thousands never got the blessing of saying hello again.  That song is ever more poignant to me now.

    “I’ll be seeing you in all the old familiar places,

    That this heart of mine embraces all day through.

    In that small café, the park across the way,

    The children’s carousel, the chestnut trees, the wishing well.

    I’ll be seeing you in every lovely summer’s day,

    In everything that’s light and gay, I’ll always think of you that way.

    I’ll find you in the morning sun, and when the night is new.

    I’ll be looking at the moon, but I’ll be seeing you.”

    Someone once said that grief never goes away; rather, life has a way of filling in around it.  That’s what is happening to me now.  I’m blessed.  A purpose-driven life is, indeed, filling in around my grief.  I hope you have found—or are finding- purpose in your new life and that it’s also filling in around your grief.

    Michael Burroughs is the author of Moving Mountains.  He lives in St. Louis, Missouri.

  • So Tied To You

    My late wife, Jan, loved music.  Her tastes in music varied widely.  We began dating in 1969, on the tail end of the fabulous 60s era of music.  Our first decade of marriage was the 70s.  The best songs of that era stayed with us throughout her life, as they reminded us of happy times as newlyweds starting our family.  Then there were the 80s.  That decade reminded us of our older son and his coming of age.  In the 90s, our younger son came of age.  Music from that decade reminded us of him.  In the first two decades of this century, we found new songs reminding us of the journey of our lives together as empty nesters.

    Jan loved Celtic music and church music So from England.  Classical music, especially Mozart, reminded us fondly of our four years in Germany.  Her varied taste in Christmas music was exquisite.  One reason that holiday meant so much to us was the variety of music she played on our cd player in our den.  The player can hold six CDs at a time.  Piled beside it was a couple of stacks of CDs always ready to be played.  Those CDs are still there, just as they were when I brought her home from the hospital following her third stroke in July 2019.  I have not touched them in over three years.  They are as she left them. 

    I have been a guitar player since the age of 10.  During my high school years, I was a member of a “cover band” that specialized in the harmonics of the Beach Boys.  Our band broke up when the lead guitar player went off to college.  Twenty-nine years later, we had a reunion in Nashville.  We surprised ourselves by how much better we were after a quarter century of continuous playing.  We decided to keep it up and scheduled a “gig” at a resort for the following summer.  Jan got a big kick out of that experience, as it was a side of me she did not know before we met.

    In those days, I had a keen interest in Brazilian “bossa novas.”  Among my instruments was a classical guitar that I dreamed of playing bossa novas on.  Jan always loved it when I would play and sing for her.  I would constantly lament my inability to play Brazilian music because I thought it would be too hard for me to do so.  One Christmas, after our kids were grown, she gave me a great gift: ten jazz guitar lessons (bossa novas are jazz).  She then said I had no excuse for not learning to play my favorite music.  The lessons were successful, and I played and sang many beautiful, romantic songs for a few years for her.  She loved it.

    When we had our horrendous wreck in January 2018, I stopped playing altogether.  Nor did I play during the three years she was an invalid stroke patient.  I regret that.  I think Jan would have wanted to hear me play, even though she could not communicate or reason.  I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  It was a selfish thing for me to do.  It was just too depressing.

    When I am out and about, I hear music being piped in.  When I hear a familiar song, I get sad and anxious.  I have been told this is normal.  I stopped listening to music on my car radio for the same reason.  Music is no longer a part of my life.  There are just too many memories with which to contend.

    I did something different while in my car.  I have Sirius Radio.  There is a station called “Chill.” I can listen to the music on that station because 1) nothing is familiar, and 2) it soothes my soul.  I turn it on when I am out as it is a healthy distraction, devoid of pain-inducing memories.  Lately, though, they often play a song by an artist named, Lokii, titled: “Tied to You.”  It is a sad song that repeats a haunting refrain, “I’m so tied, so tied to you.”  At first, I got very distressed hearing that song because it perfectly describes my state of affairs.  I am, indeed, so tied to her.

     I’ve made myself listen to it each time, though.  I’ve found that it connects me to Jan in a special way.  When the song would end, I would tell her I am so tied to you and will remain so for the rest of my life.  It simply defines us–in a different way than the myriad of other songs that have marked our lives over the decades.  It is a perfect song for us…now.

    I am managing my life decently one year into her death.  I still avoid the other songs.  The triggers are still too much for me.  Just turn off the radio, and avoid playing our collection of CDs.  Also, I still avoid playing my guitar.  Piped in music, I can’t escape.  Some songs stop me in my tracks.  Christmas last year was brutal.  I don’t expect that to change for a long while.

    I’m so tied…so tied to you, honey.  Always have been; always will be.