The Widowers Journey

Category: Healing

  • Tired of being alone? Maybe it’s time to try dating again.

    Whether you’re a divorcee, a widowed man, have never married or even been in a committed relationship, you may someday tire of being alone. I completely understand. You see, I have been in your shoes as have millions of other men.  As a result, there are many lessons and best practices for you to go to school on as you emerge from  your “cave.”

    Men have various reasons for wanting a new friend. Some men hope to discover love while others are happy having someone who can cook meals or care for them should they ever become ill. Others are lonely, usually the result of a divorce or the death of their spouse and desire someone with whom they can share a bed. Others are wounded following an unwanted breakup, or they are a veteran of a previous romantic experience gone bad; causing them to shy away from ever exposing their emotions or their wallets to more pain.  As a result, they forego any future entanglements. To them, it’s just not worth it.  Like the women they seek, men too have their own motives. 

    Others see a real upside to dating and are willing to give it another try.  And when they do, they like moving things along pretty fast, but they would be better advised to be a bit more patient. Through my years of research, I have found men in these situations to at times be a bit impulsive, a behavior that triggers potentially devastating errors in judgment. There are many risks associated with late-in-life dating. From the emotional dangers of rejection to the financial risks presented by a woman who has predatory motives, dating can have its downsides. But that should not deter a single or widowed man from seeking a companion and more.  Dating can be exciting.  It’s fun, but it can complicate one’s life, so go about it with your common sense fully engaged; moving forward with intent and purpose.

    Where does an eligible man begin?

    If you are considering re-entering the dating scene, you first need to understand your own motives. What is missing in your life; a partner or a hot date? Do you seek the companionship of a woman of deep faith, an intellectual who can debate the issues of the day or someone who can make you laugh and has a great figure? I know, I know… you want all of the above. But what are your MUST WANTS?  You need to know them and then look for them in those you meet. Example: During one’s life, we all accumulate baggage. If you are asking a new companion to accept your baggage, are you willing to embrace hers?  

    When I decided to seek a new life companion, I subscribed to the online dating service, eHarmony.com. Be aware not all online dating services are created equal. Fortunate for me, eHarmony paired me with a computer engineer named Maria.  Maria subscribed to eHarmony herself because she happened to know the psychologist that designed eHarmony’s matching software, and he confirmed how it was scientifically valid.  I suspect not all online dating services can make the same claim. Maria and I were married one year later. 

    My mother once said to me, “If you want to meet a nice girl, go to church!” Regardless of your beliefs, my mother’s advice is worthy of consideration.

    Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widowers, professional speaker and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey.  Available at Amazon.com in paperback and in all digital formats. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network LLC (WidowersSupportNetwork.com) featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men only, and a second Facebook page which is open to the general public at Widowers Support Network. Herb also hosts the lively and popular Widowers Journey Podcast, which followers in 44 countries. See: Contact Herb at herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com.     

    A Dating Checklist for Senior Males

    1. Know yourself
      1. What void in your life are you attempting to fill? Lover, cook, travel partner, caretaker for you, etc.
      1. Are you emotionally ready for a relationship?
    2. Identify your Must Haves and your Never Wants
      1. Children? A smoker/drinker? Someone younger? Someone healthy? Someone who is financially self-sufficient?
    3. Clean-up
      1. Women prefer men who take care of themselves physically as well as visually. Are you fit?
      1. Never invite a woman into a cluttered or messy residence.      
    4. Define your dating strategy
      1. Consider the services of a dating coach.
      1. Blind dates?
      1. If you use an online service, be honest when answering their questionnaire. 
      1. Join groups or volunteer where you are likely to meet others possessing common interests.
    5. Never Compare
      1. Never compare your dates with your deceased bride. Enjoy that which is unique about her. (Besides, you would not like being compared to her previous mate.)
    6. Get off the sofa
      1. Be where people are found; civic and public events, at a house of worship or clubs.
    7. Be honest about your intentions
      1. Don’t say you’re the “marrying type” if you are not.
    8. Read
      1. Purchase Abel Keogh’s book, The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers
    9. Enjoy the moment
      1. Plan dates that both you and your new friend will genuinely enjoy.Some of the most enjoyable dates don’t have to cost anything.
      1. First dates over lunch at a favorite restaurant make for a safe environment for both parties.

    … And enjoy the moment!

  • Help from a Higher Power

    An Excerpt from The Widower’s Journey – Chapter 5

    (Aside: While Chapter 5 may be one of the shortest chapters in my book, The Widower’s Journey, it is, in my view, the most powerful. It also receives the greatest number of favorable comments from readers. I pray it serves you well.)

    This chapter was written for those who seek to help their healing through spirituality. I’ll share views and stories from our team of contributing widowers on the role their religious and spiritual beliefs had in their journeys, and how it eased their grief. Readers will also be introduced to our team of religious experts, including two Christian ministers, one Rabbi, and a Roman Catholic priest. Though I found comfort in my faith and will encourage widowers to renew and deepen their faith to help their recoveries, this is an honest look at religion. Some widowers will openly express their anger toward God and their reasons for discontinuing the practice of their faith.

    Just as we said in Chapter 2, there isn’t one path to working through grief, there is no one path for healing through faith. As Rabbi Alexis Pearce tells us, “spirituality is a very delicate, personal and intimate thing.” So if you’re reading this book to help a widower you know, and you feel religion might do him some good, suggest it gingerly. Maybe invite him to play a round of golf in your church golf league, or ask him to help you with a church volunteer project.

    The Bible speaks plainly on the help God gives those who grieve. Pastor Doug Fultz believes God is especially close to people who are heartbroken. He quoted Psalm 3:19 to me: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit,” which comforted me. And the Bible calls upon the religious community to help those who have lost someone dear. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). And we of faith

    are comforted that the Bible assures us that someday we will be reunited with our loved ones in heaven.

    I cannot put into words the role of faith in healing our spiritual wounds better than Pastor Ken Hagin. Pastor Hagin says that at its most powerful, faith helps us establish a personal relationship with God. “It is within personal relationships that we experience loss, and consequently, it is within personal relationships where we find comfort and, more importantly, personal peace. God wants to be the provider of the peace that is being sought; so as we continue on our journey through the most difficult times in our lives, we need to remember it is not in the inanimate rules of religion where one finds comfort but through a personal relationship with God.”

    I learned how widowers found many different ways for their faith to help them. Widower Quentin Strode, a man of religious strength, says: “Through the tough times, based on my religious beliefs, I know I will see my beloved Shanda again.

    _____________________

    The Widower’s Journey is available on Amazon.com in paperback and all digital formats.

  • An Excerpt from The Widower’s Journey: Appendix III – Support From Pets

    When considering what actions widowed men can take in hopes of accelerating their healing, they may only have to reach down to the pet seated beside them. I witnessed the power of pets often during Michelle’s illness, especially during the final hours of her life when her son Jacques carried each of Michelle’s three golden retrievers, one at a time, from his car up to her hospital room. The nursing staff placed a gurney beside Michelle’s bed so her beloved Charlotte, Spencer, and Carolina could lie beside her one last time.

    In this appendix, I’ll discuss the positive benefit of pets, and also direct you to resources for pets that are specially trained to provide support and assistance.

    My first exposure to the phenomenon of pet therapy was back in the 1990s when my bank duties included leading KeyBank of New York’s annual Neighbors Make a Difference Day. On this day, the bank would close at noon to free up employees to go into the neighborhoods they served and perform community services. One time, bank volunteers took a group of dogs from the local animal shelter to a nearby nursing home. Some dogs were even invited by the seniors to jump up onto their beds. I still remember the looks of joy and comfort on the faces of the seniors when petting and playing with the dogs. Neither the home’s residents nor the dogs wanted the visit to end.

    According to the Mayo Clinic, “animal-assisted therapy (AAT) can significantly reduce pain, anxiety, depression, and fatigue in people with a range of health problems including those suffering from a post-traumatic stress disorder.” AAT is the use of trained animals to assist patients in achieving established health objectives and is the first of two therapies grouped under the heading of Pet Therapy. The second is animal-assisted activities, which has a more general purpose, such as what the seniors experienced when the KeyBank volunteers visited them with the dogs.”

    The Paws for People website (pawsforpeople.org) adds: “It’s well-known (and scientifically proven) that interaction with a gentle, friendly pet has significant benefits including releasing endorphins that have a calming effect and can diminish overall physical pain. The act of petting produces an automatic relaxation response, reducing the amount of medication some folks need, lifts spirits and lessens depression, encourages communication, lowers anxiety, reduces loneliness” and more.

    Widower Mark R. Colgan had this to say about his two Labrador retrievers, Murray and Tucker: “The evening Joanne died my two Labradors proved to be more than companions, they were family members that were grieving the loss of Joanne. As I sat downstairs, reflecting on the day’s shocking events, I heard an unusual cry coming from the bedroom. The bedroom that Joanne had died in earlier in the day. As I peered around the corner of the bedroom door, I saw how the cry was coming from one of our dogs, Murray. He lied on the bed in the spot Joanne had died and was crying in a way that I have never heard a dog cry before. He was mourning.”

    But it’s not only dogs that provide us support and solace. Some widowers are more the cat-lover type, and similar benefits have been attributed to cats and other pets.

    Professor Carr notes that pets serve another important purpose: they give widowers a schedule and routine. For many widowers, especially those who are retired, days can feel long and empty. Some widowers struggle to get out of bed. However, a dog eager for a walk or a cat meowing for her morning kibble force us to get out of bed, face the day and set up routines that can be a healthy and important source of structure.

    To read more… see page 187 of The Widower’s Journey. Available to all Members of WSN-MO at 15% discount. (www.widowerssupportnetwork.com/reserve-copy)

  • Why is male grief so mysterious?

    Join Lynda Cheldelin Fell as she talks with guest expert Herb Knoll, founder of Widowers Support Network, about the mysteries of male grief. Learn more at http://www.internationalgriefinstitute.com.