The Widowers Journey

Category: Manful Emotions

  • Reasons to be Thankful

    As Thanksgiving Day draws near, we mourn the loss of our wives or life partners. Holidays are complex; some say the holidays during the “first year” following a loss are the most painful. While we mourn, I wish to express reasons to be grateful.

    It started with your wife or life partner saying…”Yes.” She chose to spend her life with you. She gave you every day she had to give, to love and laugh with you. She was there to help you overcome life’s many hurdles, side by side with you. Your wife prepared thousands of meals for your enjoyment and pleasure, each crafted with love. For many of you, your wife carried and then gave birth to your children, leaving them behind to look after Dad.

    Your wife made your house a home. She may have picked up your slippers or sacrificed a movie she wanted to see so you could watch the Big Game. Some of you may have had the luxury of your wife’s income that helped purchase your home or took care of the car payments. She kept the family’s social calendar and decorated your home for the holidays. She may have planned the family’s vacations or spent evenings cleaning the bathroom while you went to bed. Some of you enjoyed it when she would get up before you to make breakfast and keep you company as you drank your morning coffee. And when the mood was right, she invited you into her arms.

    Make no mistake, your wife would want you to move forward in the life you have been provided as you would have wanted her to do the same. Some of you will discover love as I did with Maria, while still others will find joy in life by helping others. Some will rediscover what you’ve been missing by spending more time with your children and grandchildren, while others may write a book or take up an instrument.

    Yes, we widowers have much to be grateful for… and it all started with her saying, “Yes!”

    Happy Thanksgiving to you, my brothers!

  • Playing Not To Lose

    by David W. Welday

    March Madness is here!  Whether or not you follow college basketball, it’s hard not to be aware that the NCAA college basketball tournament (affectionately known as “March Madness”) is happening.   

    In our family we all fill out a bracket…some of us take it seriously while others fill out their bracket just to be part of the fun.  I don’t know which teams will make the “sweet sixteen”, “final four” or who will eventually win the tournament, but what I can be pretty confident will happen at some point during the tournament, is there will be at least one team who gets knocked out not because the other team was superior but because they beat themselves.  We see it almost every season, one team has a comfortable lead going down the home stretch, and instead of turning on the gas, looking to put the other team away, they tighten up, begin to play more conservatively. They play not to lose.  The other team seizes the opportunity, the momentum of the game shifts and the team that was ahead ultimately loses.   

    We can see this play out in other areas – public policy for example.  Decisions are made not to advance our cause, promote democracy or exert influence in the world but rather to appease, not make waves and avoid conflict.     

    For sure, there are times when the wise strategy is to focus on defense more than offense – to keep your thoughts to yourself rather than push an issue.  Timing is everything.  But sometimes we need to stick to our guns, lead with conviction and press through a challenge rather than pull back.  There are times when you need to play to win, not just to avoid losing.  How do you know?   Every situation is different.  You may be dealing with a relationship issue, a business issue, a priority issue or something else.  Here are some thoughts to help guide you.   

    Convenience or Consequence – If you choose to hold back and not press a point, that will likely be more convenient.  Most people don’t like conflict and pressing your point or pushing an agenda may create conflict.  But what are the consequences if you don’t contend for what you believe is best?   

    Some decisions may not be that important.  Yes, you really think the walls of the new office or family room should be beige instead of grey. But if you surrender to grey, will that impact productivity all that much?  Will the peaceful resolution bring more benefit not just to you but to all involved, than holding out to get your way?     

    On the other hand, what if you are convinced the person being considered for hire is not the right person for the job?  Making a bad hire could cost the company untold amounts of money in lower productivity or having to redo work that was done wrong.   

    Being Right or Relationship – Maybe your point of view is correct.  You have insight, experience or expertise that causes you to be 100% confident you are right.  But the person you are dealing with is more emotionally fragile and overriding their decision could send them into a tailspin of self-doubt or deprecation.  Sometimes keeping the peace or putting the needs and feelings of others ahead of coming to the “right solution” is a greater win than actually winning your point.  Maybe standing your ground will cause others to think less of you, but the stakes are high enough that you need to play to win and just not save face.   

    Yes, we need to be conscious of not pulling back and playing not to lose – SOMETIMES.  And sometimes, the greater win comes from holding back in order to let the other person shine – the other team win, the less-than-ideal solution be the one you go with.   

    Pay attention to when you find yourself in those situations where you have to internally decide whether to play for the win – to press your point and when the better strategy is to pull back.  May you make the wise decision every time!   
    _______________________________________________________
    David W.Welday III is the president of HigherLife Publishing and Marketing in Orlando, Florida.  

    Article reprinted with permission

  • So Tied To You

    My late wife, Jan, loved music.  Her tastes in music varied widely.  We began dating in 1969, on the tail end of the fabulous 60s era of music.  Our first decade of marriage was the 70s.  The best songs of that era stayed with us throughout her life, as they reminded us of happy times as newlyweds starting our family.  Then there were the 80s.  That decade reminded us of our older son and his coming of age.  In the 90s, our younger son came of age.  Music from that decade reminded us of him.  In the first two decades of this century, we found new songs reminding us of the journey of our lives together as empty nesters.

    Jan loved Celtic music and church music So from England.  Classical music, especially Mozart, reminded us fondly of our four years in Germany.  Her varied taste in Christmas music was exquisite.  One reason that holiday meant so much to us was the variety of music she played on our cd player in our den.  The player can hold six CDs at a time.  Piled beside it was a couple of stacks of CDs always ready to be played.  Those CDs are still there, just as they were when I brought her home from the hospital following her third stroke in July 2019.  I have not touched them in over three years.  They are as she left them. 

    I have been a guitar player since the age of 10.  During my high school years, I was a member of a “cover band” that specialized in the harmonics of the Beach Boys.  Our band broke up when the lead guitar player went off to college.  Twenty-nine years later, we had a reunion in Nashville.  We surprised ourselves by how much better we were after a quarter century of continuous playing.  We decided to keep it up and scheduled a “gig” at a resort for the following summer.  Jan got a big kick out of that experience, as it was a side of me she did not know before we met.

    In those days, I had a keen interest in Brazilian “bossa novas.”  Among my instruments was a classical guitar that I dreamed of playing bossa novas on.  Jan always loved it when I would play and sing for her.  I would constantly lament my inability to play Brazilian music because I thought it would be too hard for me to do so.  One Christmas, after our kids were grown, she gave me a great gift: ten jazz guitar lessons (bossa novas are jazz).  She then said I had no excuse for not learning to play my favorite music.  The lessons were successful, and I played and sang many beautiful, romantic songs for a few years for her.  She loved it.

    When we had our horrendous wreck in January 2018, I stopped playing altogether.  Nor did I play during the three years she was an invalid stroke patient.  I regret that.  I think Jan would have wanted to hear me play, even though she could not communicate or reason.  I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  It was a selfish thing for me to do.  It was just too depressing.

    When I am out and about, I hear music being piped in.  When I hear a familiar song, I get sad and anxious.  I have been told this is normal.  I stopped listening to music on my car radio for the same reason.  Music is no longer a part of my life.  There are just too many memories with which to contend.

    I did something different while in my car.  I have Sirius Radio.  There is a station called “Chill.” I can listen to the music on that station because 1) nothing is familiar, and 2) it soothes my soul.  I turn it on when I am out as it is a healthy distraction, devoid of pain-inducing memories.  Lately, though, they often play a song by an artist named, Lokii, titled: “Tied to You.”  It is a sad song that repeats a haunting refrain, “I’m so tied, so tied to you.”  At first, I got very distressed hearing that song because it perfectly describes my state of affairs.  I am, indeed, so tied to her.

     I’ve made myself listen to it each time, though.  I’ve found that it connects me to Jan in a special way.  When the song would end, I would tell her I am so tied to you and will remain so for the rest of my life.  It simply defines us–in a different way than the myriad of other songs that have marked our lives over the decades.  It is a perfect song for us…now.

    I am managing my life decently one year into her death.  I still avoid the other songs.  The triggers are still too much for me.  Just turn off the radio, and avoid playing our collection of CDs.  Also, I still avoid playing my guitar.  Piped in music, I can’t escape.  Some songs stop me in my tracks.  Christmas last year was brutal.  I don’t expect that to change for a long while.

    I’m so tied…so tied to you, honey.  Always have been; always will be.

  • An Open Letter To Newly Widowed Men

    Donated by Ed Hersch of Pearland, Texas, USA, in hopes that it will help others.

    Author Unknown.

    Dear Sons:

    We have all been through a most tragic situation, the loss of your dear Mother and my wife. Each of us are dealing with Mom’s passing in a different way. There is no right or wrong way, and some of us are seeking outside assistance to help us through this. Mom will always be with us, especially during the good times such as graduation, weddings and your future children. Life is not always fair or right, but this is not something we are able to control as much as we want to.I am sharing this email with you so as to provide you with a better insight on me and how I am dealing with the loss of your Mom. There are some statements which I am sure each of you can relate to for yourselves, but most are for me, the spouse. I need your support and we need to support each other.

    Love, Dad

    When you you suddenly find yourself without your spouse, you don’t know what to expect.Your world’s been turned upside down. Like the mighty oak caught in a fierce wind, you feel uprooted. Your feet don’t touch the ground. You think you’re crazy. But you’re not. You’re just a new widower. Your life is forever changed.Learning to expect the unexpected will help you get through this most painful time in your life.Here are a few things you need to know if you are to survive.

    1. Expect people to say stupid things. “Don’t worry, you’re young, you’ll meet someone new.” No matter your age, this will sting like a hot iron on raw flesh. Your mind is on your spouse and how to preserve your memories together. The thought of another person in your life too soon after your spouse’s death may cause you additional pain.
    2. Expect to be asked out – by your best friend’s wife. No your best friend won’t know. Yes – it’s a wacky world out there.
    3. Expect to look in the mirror and wander who you are now without your spouse? Treat yourself to the time to heal and find out.
    4. Expect to break down when you least expect it–at the sound of the doorbell, at the sound of the telephone, at the sight of a couple walking hand in hand. All too soon the reality of being without here comes and goes and then it really hits you.
    5. Expect to begin each day wondering how you made it through the day before. Be grateful for today and make it the best you can. After all — it’s your day!
    6. Expect to feel weak, strong, angery, happy, euphoric, glad, sad, guilty, alone, lonely, trapped,free, tired, bored, overworked, overwhelmed, silly, puzzled and even like you don’t belong. You have just experienced life at its worst. Everything will be okay. Think baby steps. Think, I can and think, I will. GIve yourself time.
    7. Expect all your friends to run away. They’re frightened too. And they just don’t know how to handle your situation or your grief. Seeing you dealing with the death of someone near and dear is just too close for comfort.
    8. Expect all your friends to come back. Give them time. The real ones do.
    9. Expect to find yourself standing in front of an open refrigerator at 3:00 in the morning studying the expiration date on a bottle of ketchup. Give yourself permission to process your grief any way you need to. It’s okay.
    10. Expect to laugh when the dog pees on the living room rug, when the garage door falls off its hinges, when the refrigerator makes a puddle on the kitchen floor, and when the woman next door goes out on a date — with the woman down the street. Your life is forever changed and so is your outlook. In the big picture, these things become minuscule.
    11. Expect to ask yourself questions that have no answers. What if? Why me? Now what? When?
    12. Expect to make plans to run away.
    13. Expect to cancel them, because you realize there is no place to run away to forever.
    14. Expect there will be moments when you just wish for a giant eraser to erase it all away.
    15. Expect the pain to never end. It won’t. But in time you will learn how to manage it. That’s a promise.
    16. Expect there to be time when you do not sleep.
    17. Expect there will be times when you can’t focus.
    18. Expect there will be times when you don’t want to eat. In the beginning you won’t be able to enjoy food. But it is important to drink plenty of fluids. If nothing else, drink water to keep your kidneys flush. Nourish and take care of our body — you need your strength to heal.
    19. Expect to eac too much.
    20. Expect to not be in the mood for all the things you once were in the mood for. Imagine the new possibilities as you discover who you now are.
    21. Expect the sun to come out tomorrow, the daffodils to sprout in spring, every bird on the planet to sing, every oak, elm, and cottonwood to shed its leave in the autumn, the moon to glow, the stars to twinkle, the earth to spin on its axis, and then to wonder why.
    22. Expect no one to understand. Though they say, “I understand.” They can’t. They don’t. They never will. Not even another widower.
    23. Expect to make mistakes as you rediscover who you now are — that’s okay. Expect to forgive yourself.

    You will make it through your grief, it’s important to realize you are not alone. What you are feeling is normal. Being informed is being prepared. It will help you survive.Expect the unexpected!And, like the mighty oak caught in a fierce storm bending in the wind to keep from being uprooted, you will learn to accept your plight. You will learn to remain grounded, and eventually you will be able to turn your upside down world right side up again. That’s a promise.Editor’s Note: Thanks Ed for sharing this valuable message.

    ____________________________________________________________________

    Ed Hersh has been a member of WSN-MO since 2017. You can write him via Facebook Messenger. Ed Hersh attended high school with of Herb Knoll, Founder of the Widower’s Support Network.