The Widowers Journey

Category: Moving Forward

  • Reasons to be Thankful

    As Thanksgiving Day draws near, we mourn the loss of our wives or life partners. Holidays are complex; some say the holidays during the “first year” following a loss are the most painful. While we mourn, I wish to express reasons to be grateful.

    It started with your wife or life partner saying…”Yes.” She chose to spend her life with you. She gave you every day she had to give, to love and laugh with you. She was there to help you overcome life’s many hurdles, side by side with you. Your wife prepared thousands of meals for your enjoyment and pleasure, each crafted with love. For many of you, your wife carried and then gave birth to your children, leaving them behind to look after Dad.

    Your wife made your house a home. She may have picked up your slippers or sacrificed a movie she wanted to see so you could watch the Big Game. Some of you may have had the luxury of your wife’s income that helped purchase your home or took care of the car payments. She kept the family’s social calendar and decorated your home for the holidays. She may have planned the family’s vacations or spent evenings cleaning the bathroom while you went to bed. Some of you enjoyed it when she would get up before you to make breakfast and keep you company as you drank your morning coffee. And when the mood was right, she invited you into her arms.

    Make no mistake, your wife would want you to move forward in the life you have been provided as you would have wanted her to do the same. Some of you will discover love as I did with Maria, while still others will find joy in life by helping others. Some will rediscover what you’ve been missing by spending more time with your children and grandchildren, while others may write a book or take up an instrument.

    Yes, we widowers have much to be grateful for… and it all started with her saying, “Yes!”

    Happy Thanksgiving to you, my brothers!

  • Do You Have Male Friends?

    Noted clinical psychologist Edward Zimmer, MA, from Savannah, Georgia, is a friend of mine. You may recognize his name as he was a contributor to my book, The Widower’s Journey, and has been a guest on my podcast, Widower’s Journey Podcast. Better said, he is a childhood friend I first met on a baseball diamond when I was only twelve years old.

    Today, Ed sent me a link to an article written by Madeline Holcombe and published by CNN. The piece, “Why most men don’t have enough close friends,” struck me as what the research cites parallels what I have been experiencing since I founded the Widower’s Support Network.

    I have previously noted and reported how my followers’ number one complaint is loneliness. Secondly, I have mentioned how very few widowed men have friends they can count on when they need a confidant. Most friends come from their pool of co-workers or clients, and they become diminished once the man retires. Fewer men have genuine friends dating back to their youth. And fewer still know how – or think it less manly – to seek out new friends. Widowed men, frequently turn away those who offer assistance following their wife’s death – thinking acceptance is less manly. Yet, they wonder why their few male friends stop coming around, causing widowed men to complain further about feeling abandoned.

    I suggest widowers get off the sofa and volunteer for a worthy cause where they can interact with people or join a civic organization like the Knights of Columbus, Rotary, or Lions Club. The lack of friends or loneliness may contribute to widowed men’s eagerness to remarry the first or second girl they may date. This rush to the Justice of the Peace frequently ends in an expensive divorce. They become confused between “love” and “replacing what’s missing, their wife.”

    Here is the link to Madeline’s insightful article. See if you don’t recognize a few similarities between Madeline’s discovery and your widower’s journey.

    https://www.cnn.com/…/men-friendships-wellness/index.html

  • To Overcome Grief – One Needs to Address All Facets of Life

    For nearly 14 years, I have dedicated my life to the service of widowers worldwide, and during that time, I have learned much about what it takes to recover from male grief.  From the widower’s mental and physical health to their financial health, ensuring their career is stable, and their relationships with their children, in-laws, friends, and family have recovered if they suffered following their bride’s passing.  Grieving men need to address each part of their life that may have fallen into disarray following the loss.  Much like an airplane preparing to take off, all systems must be in “go mode” before the pilot commits to going airborne.  While my view is not a surefire way to regain JOY, it is one of the steps that may go a long way to recovery from grief.

    I have witnessed many widowers stumble and fall following their failed attempts to regain normalcy in their life.  The number one complaint I hear from those widowed is how lonely they have become.  The home they shared with their bride falls silent.  The scent of their wife’s perfume is absent from the pillow lying beside them.  Yet a large percentage of widowers do little to remedy their situation.  It is as though they become comfortable in their grief and don’t wish to lose it, for it is one of the remaining connections they have to their deceased bride.  Men who grieve should take their time and only act when they are ready.  Eventually, most widowers will come around and realize JOY still awaits them.  They think less frequently of the sad memories, such as regrets they may harbor, and slowly begin recalling those moments they cherish with greater regularity.

    Grief has a place in our lives and shouldn’t be rushed, but are those widowers wishing to seek JOY ready to escape the jaws of their suffering?  What if the children still cry for their mother, or their adult children express concerns about their father dating too soon?  What if the mortgage payments are in arrears and the lender is threatening foreclosure, a result of the reduction in household income after losing the wife’s salary or social security income?  What if a relationship with your wife’s friends and family suffered from any events during her illness or following her passing, or you finally realize how you have few friends you can lean upon and have no idea how to make new friends?  Each of these situations – and there are many more – can serve as a constant reminder of the life a widower no longer enjoys, that of being a married man.  Each prevents a widower from moving forward with his life and throws him back into the grief pool.

    Men are fixers; it is part of every man’s DNA.  When our wives would tell us that the light was out in a lamp, she was really telling us to change the lamp’s bulb or fix it.  As men, we understood this role – all part of being a husband – and we were more than happy to comply.  But many men frequently fail to recognize how they are the one who is broken and require repairs.  Like a car with a flat tire that can’t be driven, widowers who desire to move forward are best advised to – (as my brother used to say) “Take care of business first.” And that business is doing what you can to ensure the many areas of your life are in excellent or optimal operating order.

    Every widower is encouraged to become a student of grief and how it affects men.  There are plenty of tools available to help in this process.  Pick up a copy of my book, The Widower’s Journey, or another book written explicitly for widowed men and read it.  Develop a checklist of items needing your attention with target dates to be completed, then prioritize your list.  Join grief groups like GriefShare (usually available at Christian churches) or one sponsored by Hospice.  Join Facebook’s private page exclusively for men – Widower’s Support Network – Members Only.  There, you can share your challenges with over 2,000 widowed men from 38 countries.  Don’t worry; you’ll never be judged.  

    Register on the Widower’s Support Network LLC website.  You will find many resources to assist you during your grief journey.  Among the tools, you will find instructions on how to form your advisory board that can help with their sage advice, including your trusted advisors, family members, and others.  See https://WidowersSupportNetwork.com

    Enjoy the lively episodes of the Widower’s Journey Podcast, hosted by Herb Knoll, and learn from his guests, including subject matter experts as they address many of the issues that widowers can encounter.  With followers in 44 countries, this is one very popular podcast, so don’t miss out.  See: https://widowersjurney.libsyn.com  

    See a doctor, even if you believe yourself to be healthy, and take corrective measures where needed.  Talk with your children, in-laws, family, and friends.  Make time for them, seek their advice and counsel, and be candid with them.  Remember, they lost someone too.  

    Get your financial house in order.  Make plans to reduce debt where needed and avoid additional debt or making significant financial decisions until everything facet of your life has stabilized.

    Most importantly, if you are a man of faith, turn to your church, temple, synagogue, mosque, or house of worship.  Be sure your performance at work is at the level expected by those to whom you report.

    There is much to consider.  You can do it, just as millions of other men have before you.

    God’s speed.

    _______________________________________________________________________

    Herb Knoll is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network LLC, an advocate for Widowers, a professional speaker, and the author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey.  Available at Amazon.com in paperback and all digital formats.  

    Email: herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com

    Podcast: Widower’s Journey Podcast, hosted by Herb Knoll.

    Web: WidowersSupportNetwork.com.

    Facebook: Widowers Support Network – Members Only and at Widowers Support Network

    Copyright 2022 Widower’s Support Network LLC

  • Familiar Places

    Familiar Places

    I know this happens to you.  As you travel around your town, you pass by many places that were once either special or routine to you and your late wife.  If you’re like me, sometimes you pass by them absentmindedly.  Other times it brings tears to your eyes.

    For me, the places are within a five-mile radius of my house.  Most are on our primary thoroughfare in Ballwin, Missouri, where I’ve lived for the past 39 years.  It’s a four-lane highway with numerous shops, stores, gas stations, and eating establishments.  It’s a typical American suburban landscape.

    Regardless of my travel direction, I’m bombarded by decades of memories.  Jan and I frequented every restaurant on that highway.  We hit them all many times.  There is not a drug store, a supermarket, a park, or a gas station, etc., that escaped us.  If I let my thoughts wander, I can see us in each one of those places on numerous occasions.  I can “hear” our conversations.  I can see her lovely face with her million-dollar smile that used to light up a room.  I can’t see when her life was ebbing in those memories.  The memories are all happy ones.

    It was tough enough for me when I would pass these establishments when she was an invalid at home being attended to by her 24/7 caregivers while I was out.  I would get nostalgic for those happy times, knowing that we would never be able to experience them again.  But while lost in those thoughts, I knew she was still alive.

    Those were the days of anticipatory grief.  Many of you know exactly what I’m talking about.  But what I experienced after Jan died was much more intense.  These establishments took on a haunting quality.  It became tough for me to enter them.  Going to the supermarket, drugstore, and our local gas station can be gut-wrenching.  I see her in every aisle of our supermarket and drugstore.  I see her making herself a cup of hot tea at the local QuickTrip that I frequent for gas and coffee.

    I make myself go into these places with other people I know.  I act like there’s nothing unusual, but I can see tables in these establishments where we once happily sat.  I avoid sitting at certain tables.  I usually keep my pain to myself.  Just being in these familiar places is challenging enough.

    I catch myself talking to her as I drive by them, asking her if she remembers our stopping there in the past.  Telling her how happy I was with her doing even the simplest of things.  I chastise myself for how I thought that we had forever ahead of us in this life.  Sometimes I just sigh; other times, I weep.  At all times, I tell her how much I love her and miss her; and how I look forward to reuniting with her for eternity on her side of the veil.  More than anything, that keeps me going.

    I wish I could say that it has gotten easier for me, but that would not be true.  However, I’m able to accept the truth more readily, that she’s never coming back to me and that I must get on with what remains of my life.  Mercifully, I have a purpose to my life now that is divinely directed.  I tell God that I am his.  He is directing my hospice ministry.  My workload of mercy to other men who are caregivers and widowers is rapidly increasing.  There is plenty of demand, unfortunately.  I know that when my work is all completed, he will gently call me home.  I tell him that I trust in him and that she will be there to greet me when I cross over.

    When Jan and I were young—dating and newly married- we enjoyed sitting and listening to The Lettermen sing old songs in perfect harmony.  One of their best songs was from the World War II era: “I’ll Be Seeing You.”  There were millions of goodbyes going on when that song was popular.  Tens of thousands never got the blessing of saying hello again.  That song is ever more poignant to me now.

    “I’ll be seeing you in all the old familiar places,

    That this heart of mine embraces all day through.

    In that small café, the park across the way,

    The children’s carousel, the chestnut trees, the wishing well.

    I’ll be seeing you in every lovely summer’s day,

    In everything that’s light and gay, I’ll always think of you that way.

    I’ll find you in the morning sun, and when the night is new.

    I’ll be looking at the moon, but I’ll be seeing you.”

    Someone once said that grief never goes away; rather, life has a way of filling in around it.  That’s what is happening to me now.  I’m blessed.  A purpose-driven life is, indeed, filling in around my grief.  I hope you have found—or are finding- purpose in your new life and that it’s also filling in around your grief.

    Michael Burroughs is the author of Moving Mountains.  He lives in St. Louis, Missouri.

  • Tired of being alone? Maybe it’s time to try dating again.

    Whether you’re a divorcee, a widowed man, have never married or even been in a committed relationship, you may someday tire of being alone. I completely understand. You see, I have been in your shoes as have millions of other men.  As a result, there are many lessons and best practices for you to go to school on as you emerge from  your “cave.”

    Men have various reasons for wanting a new friend. Some men hope to discover love while others are happy having someone who can cook meals or care for them should they ever become ill. Others are lonely, usually the result of a divorce or the death of their spouse and desire someone with whom they can share a bed. Others are wounded following an unwanted breakup, or they are a veteran of a previous romantic experience gone bad; causing them to shy away from ever exposing their emotions or their wallets to more pain.  As a result, they forego any future entanglements. To them, it’s just not worth it.  Like the women they seek, men too have their own motives. 

    Others see a real upside to dating and are willing to give it another try.  And when they do, they like moving things along pretty fast, but they would be better advised to be a bit more patient. Through my years of research, I have found men in these situations to at times be a bit impulsive, a behavior that triggers potentially devastating errors in judgment. There are many risks associated with late-in-life dating. From the emotional dangers of rejection to the financial risks presented by a woman who has predatory motives, dating can have its downsides. But that should not deter a single or widowed man from seeking a companion and more.  Dating can be exciting.  It’s fun, but it can complicate one’s life, so go about it with your common sense fully engaged; moving forward with intent and purpose.

    Where does an eligible man begin?

    If you are considering re-entering the dating scene, you first need to understand your own motives. What is missing in your life; a partner or a hot date? Do you seek the companionship of a woman of deep faith, an intellectual who can debate the issues of the day or someone who can make you laugh and has a great figure? I know, I know… you want all of the above. But what are your MUST WANTS?  You need to know them and then look for them in those you meet. Example: During one’s life, we all accumulate baggage. If you are asking a new companion to accept your baggage, are you willing to embrace hers?  

    When I decided to seek a new life companion, I subscribed to the online dating service, eHarmony.com. Be aware not all online dating services are created equal. Fortunate for me, eHarmony paired me with a computer engineer named Maria.  Maria subscribed to eHarmony herself because she happened to know the psychologist that designed eHarmony’s matching software, and he confirmed how it was scientifically valid.  I suspect not all online dating services can make the same claim. Maria and I were married one year later. 

    My mother once said to me, “If you want to meet a nice girl, go to church!” Regardless of your beliefs, my mother’s advice is worthy of consideration.

    Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widowers, professional speaker and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey.  Available at Amazon.com in paperback and in all digital formats. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network LLC (WidowersSupportNetwork.com) featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men only, and a second Facebook page which is open to the general public at Widowers Support Network. Herb also hosts the lively and popular Widowers Journey Podcast, which followers in 44 countries. See: Contact Herb at herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com.     

    A Dating Checklist for Senior Males

    1. Know yourself
      1. What void in your life are you attempting to fill? Lover, cook, travel partner, caretaker for you, etc.
      1. Are you emotionally ready for a relationship?
    2. Identify your Must Haves and your Never Wants
      1. Children? A smoker/drinker? Someone younger? Someone healthy? Someone who is financially self-sufficient?
    3. Clean-up
      1. Women prefer men who take care of themselves physically as well as visually. Are you fit?
      1. Never invite a woman into a cluttered or messy residence.      
    4. Define your dating strategy
      1. Consider the services of a dating coach.
      1. Blind dates?
      1. If you use an online service, be honest when answering their questionnaire. 
      1. Join groups or volunteer where you are likely to meet others possessing common interests.
    5. Never Compare
      1. Never compare your dates with your deceased bride. Enjoy that which is unique about her. (Besides, you would not like being compared to her previous mate.)
    6. Get off the sofa
      1. Be where people are found; civic and public events, at a house of worship or clubs.
    7. Be honest about your intentions
      1. Don’t say you’re the “marrying type” if you are not.
    8. Read
      1. Purchase Abel Keogh’s book, The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers
    9. Enjoy the moment
      1. Plan dates that both you and your new friend will genuinely enjoy.Some of the most enjoyable dates don’t have to cost anything.
      1. First dates over lunch at a favorite restaurant make for a safe environment for both parties.

    … And enjoy the moment!

  • An Open Letter To Newly Widowed Men

    Donated by Ed Hersch of Pearland, Texas, USA, in hopes that it will help others.

    Author Unknown.

    Dear Sons:

    We have all been through a most tragic situation, the loss of your dear Mother and my wife. Each of us are dealing with Mom’s passing in a different way. There is no right or wrong way, and some of us are seeking outside assistance to help us through this. Mom will always be with us, especially during the good times such as graduation, weddings and your future children. Life is not always fair or right, but this is not something we are able to control as much as we want to.I am sharing this email with you so as to provide you with a better insight on me and how I am dealing with the loss of your Mom. There are some statements which I am sure each of you can relate to for yourselves, but most are for me, the spouse. I need your support and we need to support each other.

    Love, Dad

    When you you suddenly find yourself without your spouse, you don’t know what to expect.Your world’s been turned upside down. Like the mighty oak caught in a fierce wind, you feel uprooted. Your feet don’t touch the ground. You think you’re crazy. But you’re not. You’re just a new widower. Your life is forever changed.Learning to expect the unexpected will help you get through this most painful time in your life.Here are a few things you need to know if you are to survive.

    1. Expect people to say stupid things. “Don’t worry, you’re young, you’ll meet someone new.” No matter your age, this will sting like a hot iron on raw flesh. Your mind is on your spouse and how to preserve your memories together. The thought of another person in your life too soon after your spouse’s death may cause you additional pain.
    2. Expect to be asked out – by your best friend’s wife. No your best friend won’t know. Yes – it’s a wacky world out there.
    3. Expect to look in the mirror and wander who you are now without your spouse? Treat yourself to the time to heal and find out.
    4. Expect to break down when you least expect it–at the sound of the doorbell, at the sound of the telephone, at the sight of a couple walking hand in hand. All too soon the reality of being without here comes and goes and then it really hits you.
    5. Expect to begin each day wondering how you made it through the day before. Be grateful for today and make it the best you can. After all — it’s your day!
    6. Expect to feel weak, strong, angery, happy, euphoric, glad, sad, guilty, alone, lonely, trapped,free, tired, bored, overworked, overwhelmed, silly, puzzled and even like you don’t belong. You have just experienced life at its worst. Everything will be okay. Think baby steps. Think, I can and think, I will. GIve yourself time.
    7. Expect all your friends to run away. They’re frightened too. And they just don’t know how to handle your situation or your grief. Seeing you dealing with the death of someone near and dear is just too close for comfort.
    8. Expect all your friends to come back. Give them time. The real ones do.
    9. Expect to find yourself standing in front of an open refrigerator at 3:00 in the morning studying the expiration date on a bottle of ketchup. Give yourself permission to process your grief any way you need to. It’s okay.
    10. Expect to laugh when the dog pees on the living room rug, when the garage door falls off its hinges, when the refrigerator makes a puddle on the kitchen floor, and when the woman next door goes out on a date — with the woman down the street. Your life is forever changed and so is your outlook. In the big picture, these things become minuscule.
    11. Expect to ask yourself questions that have no answers. What if? Why me? Now what? When?
    12. Expect to make plans to run away.
    13. Expect to cancel them, because you realize there is no place to run away to forever.
    14. Expect there will be moments when you just wish for a giant eraser to erase it all away.
    15. Expect the pain to never end. It won’t. But in time you will learn how to manage it. That’s a promise.
    16. Expect there to be time when you do not sleep.
    17. Expect there will be times when you can’t focus.
    18. Expect there will be times when you don’t want to eat. In the beginning you won’t be able to enjoy food. But it is important to drink plenty of fluids. If nothing else, drink water to keep your kidneys flush. Nourish and take care of our body — you need your strength to heal.
    19. Expect to eac too much.
    20. Expect to not be in the mood for all the things you once were in the mood for. Imagine the new possibilities as you discover who you now are.
    21. Expect the sun to come out tomorrow, the daffodils to sprout in spring, every bird on the planet to sing, every oak, elm, and cottonwood to shed its leave in the autumn, the moon to glow, the stars to twinkle, the earth to spin on its axis, and then to wonder why.
    22. Expect no one to understand. Though they say, “I understand.” They can’t. They don’t. They never will. Not even another widower.
    23. Expect to make mistakes as you rediscover who you now are — that’s okay. Expect to forgive yourself.

    You will make it through your grief, it’s important to realize you are not alone. What you are feeling is normal. Being informed is being prepared. It will help you survive.Expect the unexpected!And, like the mighty oak caught in a fierce storm bending in the wind to keep from being uprooted, you will learn to accept your plight. You will learn to remain grounded, and eventually you will be able to turn your upside down world right side up again. That’s a promise.Editor’s Note: Thanks Ed for sharing this valuable message.

    ____________________________________________________________________

    Ed Hersh has been a member of WSN-MO since 2017. You can write him via Facebook Messenger. Ed Hersh attended high school with of Herb Knoll, Founder of the Widower’s Support Network.

  • Angels Walk Among Us

    by Herb Knoll

    Author: The Widower’s Journey

    “Hi, my name is Richard.” Thus began my knowing a giant of a man named Richard Blount (62) as he sat down in the chair beside me. The occasion was my first meeting at GriefShare, a widely available program for those who have experienced a loss in their life.  I was attending the program as part of the research I was conducting for my then soon-to-be-released book, The Widowers Journey. 

    I would soon come to realize that Richard, a native of Tampa, Florida, was no ordinary man. Built like a linebacker from your favorite football team, Richard is also a giant of a man in another way.  You see, Richard loves people … especially children. He loves children so much, he and his previous wife had two children, Rebecca (35), and Matthew (34). When Richard married Terri in 1991, her three children, Joshua (37), Ryan (36), and Tyler (35), joined the family.  

    As deeply religious people, both Richard and Terri felt a calling from the Almighty to do more in the service of those in need. “We prayed over it,” says Richard. “We then decided to become foster parents.” Once approved by the State of Florida and over some time, Richard and Terri, opened their loving home to forty foster children. You heard me; forty. 

    As any foster parent will tell you, foster parents become very attached to the children they are asked to care for as their own until the day a court orders otherwise. This sense of attachment caused Richard and Terri to adopt five of their foster children, Alex (19), Ricky (15), Sarah (14), Abigail (12), and Jacob (9), two of whom have special needs (autism and bipolar disorder). Ten children in all, each showered with love in the Richard and Terri Blount home.

    When asked why he and Terri felt a need to serve as parents to ten children, Richard replied, “You’ll have to ask the Lord that question. He placed it in our hearts to care for his children.” 

    Tragedy struck when Terri passed away, leaving Richard as a single Dad with 10 children, ranging in ages from 1 ½ to 30.  As a widower, Richard needed time to grieve the loss of his wife Terri, but he had little time to do so.  After all, he had ten children who needed him, a house to maintain, and a career he desperately needed to preserve if he was to provide for eleven people, including himself. Again, Richard turned to the Almighty for strength and direction. Believing no prayers go unanswered, it wouldn’t take long before Richard would meet Cheri (63).  

    A widow with four children, Jenny (42), Jason (40), Lizzy (38), and Michelle (37), Cheri‘s life parallels Richard’s in several ways, including having served as a foster parent with her deceased husband Jim to over 100 foster children. Also like Richard and Terri, Cheri and Jim adopted some of their foster children, six to be exact, Lucy (24), Kayla (23), Emma (14), Daniel (12), Izabella (10) and Isaiah (9), three of whom have special needs.

    “I prayed the Lord would point me in the direction of a man that I could love and who loves children,” said Cheri.  Once introduced, the chemistry between Richard and Cheri was immediate. It didn’t take long before Richard asked Cheri to marry him, bringing the total number of children in their now consolidated household to twenty. Yes… TWENTY CHILDREN, several of who have special needs.  With so many children residing in their home, one of their neighbors complained to the local authorities that Cheri and Richard were forming a “group home.” Cheri said, “I can’t help myself, I love babies, and I love God.” 

    “We’re a good team,” added Cheri. Indeed. But their union did not come without significant sacrifices.  At 62 years of age, Richard is unable to retire for another ten years.  “We look at people our age who are empty nesters, enjoying their senior years realizing we won’t be able to retire until we’re in our 70s,” Cheri added.  “At times, I feel as though I have lost my identity, I had to quit my career as a nurse.” Cheri went on to say, “It was all worth it.” Richard added, “We make time for ourselves and our marriage, which includes a date night every Saturday.” He went on to add how the date may be a simple meal at a local diner or perhaps they’ll take in a movie.    

    When asked what surprises arose raising 20 children, Richard said, “I’m surprised I could do it. I’ve become more humbled by the blessings I have received, including being able to provide our twenty children with a stable home and a sense of belonging to a family that loves them; I have also become closer to my Lord.” 

    Today, Cheri and Richard live in suburban Orlando, Florida with nine of their twenty children, the youngest who is just nine years old, including several with special needs. 

    Widowed, and faced with the responsibility of raising twenty children, Cheri and Richard have plenty of reasons to be angry, even jealous of others, yet they choose to celebrate the lives of their deceased spouses by gracefully touching the lives of Our Lord’s children.

    Cheri and Richard didn’t stop there.  When it was time to acquire a therapy dog for their children with special needs, you guessed it, Cheri and Richard adopted a beautiful Golden Retriever named Mr. Wilson (4) from an animal rescue center. Did I mention that Richard was at the GriefShare meeting on the evening I first met him because he volunteers as one of the program’s facilitators? Some people just never stop giving to others.

    Are there Angels walking among us?  Say hello to Angels Cheri and Richard Blount. 

    (Ages shown are as of May 2019)

    Pictured are Cheri and Richard along with 17 of their 20 children along with assorted spouses and grandchildren

    Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widowers, a professional speaker and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey.  Available at Amazon.com in paperback and in all digital formats. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network (WidowersSupportNetwork.com) featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men, and a second Facebook page which is open to the general public at Widowers Support Network.  Contact Herb at  herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com.  

    Attention Widowers and Men who are serving as Caregivers

    Apply today to join the Widowers Support Network – Members Only (WSN-MO) on Facebook. WSN-MO is a FREE private page exclusively open to MEN who have lost their wife or life-partner; men who are currently serving as caregivers for a seriously ill spouse or life-partner; and other good-hearted men who wish to help assist and comfort them.  

    Copyright 2019  Widower’s Support Network

  • How a Widower Can Ensure His Final Wishes Are Carried Out

    By Rachel Zeldin, Founder of Funerals360

    As a widower, you’ve most certainly dealt with an enormous amount of stress and grief at the time of your partner’s passing. During that excruciating time, spouses often have the added burden of making plans for final wishes and funeral services of their loved one. This is an incredibly trying time for everyone who’s ever been there.

    If you have already gone through the funeral-planning process for your loved one, you may have some ideas of your own final wishes, and you might have thought about ways to lessen the burden on your surviving family members when your time eventually comes.

    Whether it’s buying family plots or discussing wishes with loved ones, pre-planning a funeral can have several advantages.

    Remove Additional Stress For Yourself and Your Loved Ones

    As you already know, loved ones are often caught in the midst of processing the grief and shock of a passing as they plan the end-of-life arrangements. This creates a stressful situation in an already emotional time.

    By pre-planning a funeral or end-of-life ceremony, you can reduce the burden for your loved ones to plan a funeral later.  Of course, mortality can be an uncomfortable subject to discuss with your family, however, planning ahead can take away some of the sting of “the unknown,” and can help you and your family prepare mentally and emotionally for what’s to come.

    Make Informed, Thoughtful Decisions

    Planning ahead helps you make strategic decisions about your end-of-life proceeding. You can identify your wants and needs, and even compare prices with a number of providers. By making funeral arrangements in advance, you spare your family the pressure of making fast decisions at a time of duress.
    One of the most important considerations in planning a funeral is what will happen with the decedent’s remains – where they will be buried, scattered, entombed, or something else. A short period of time generally exists between a person’s death and his or her burial, which means, for example, surviving family members might be rushing to buy a plot without foresight or personally visiting the site. It’s in the best interest of an entire family to think out and make these important decisions before the time comes.

    Consider Financial Responsibility for the Funeral

    Pre-arranging a funeral can also allow you to remove a financial burden–and the stress that goes along with it–from your loved ones by making sure your affairs are in order when the time comes.

    Start to plan ahead now for the costs involved in the funeral arrangements for your own wishes. First, you’ll need to map out each step of the process, so you can associate an approximate cost with each piece.  Then, you can determine how the financial aspect will be handled.  For example, options like funeral insurance and funeral trusts can help you secure your final wishes without passing the financial burden on to your surviving family.

    Where to Start

    Planning a funeral ahead of time is now easier than it has ever been.  An online resource like Funerals360 can help you effectively plan for the future and compare the costs of services.

    The Funerals360 website is full of resources to help you organize all of your wishes and plans. You can use the My Funeral Wishesfeature to outline your final wishes, and it’s easy to print and share electronically so you can have a conversation with your family and/or next of kin.

    The interactive funeral planning checklist is an invaluable tool that can help ensure you have all your bases covered so nothing gets missed.  It lets you know everything that needs to be done–from information needed to obtain death certificates to utilities and accounts that would need to be closed–and keeps your information organized in a central and shareable place.

    By pre-planning or pre-arranging a funeral, you can effectively relieve the stress later and ensure the fulfillment of your final wishes. You’ll also have the benefit of comparing prices and ensuring the best outcome possible.

    Life as a widower is full of enough stress and grief, and for many, even the thought of planning out arrangements for a funeral in advance can be too much to think about while already dealing with the loss of a spouse. However, the act of pre-planning your own funeral can provide a sense of relief in having one less thing to worry about – for you, and your family.

    About the Author

    Rachel Zeldin is the Founder of Funerals360, an online resource that helps families find local product and service providers for their funeral or memorial.  Her inspiration came from the frustration she experienced trying to find reliable funeral planning information online when her uncle passed away unexpectedly without any prior arrangements in place.  A passionate consumer advocate, Rachel is also the Founder of Funeral Consumer Alliance of Greater Philadelphia , a non-profit advocacy group that is a chapter of the Funeral Consumers Alliance.

  • A Friend In Need: Herb Knoll

    The quality I admire most in writers is their passion for their work and their causes. We’re all Don Quixote fighting huge windmills, doing our bit to make the world a little better and inspire others. Herb Knoll is a great example, devoting much of his life to a cause few think about, even though it is too close to us. For some of us ‘he-men’, (ha ha!), it is our greatest fear.  Herb Knoll offers help and hope.

    There are 2.7 million widowers in America, 420,000 new widowers each year. One in five men will be widowed and 65% of widowed men will experience a life-threatening illness within twelve months. As Herb explains, widowers experience a wide variety of challenges: health problems, loss of faith, financial set-backs, problems with relationships, careers, raising children, dating, and more, “not to mention, grief.” It is eye-opening to realize that the suicide rate among widowers is 3-4 times higher than that of married men. It is to help these vulnerable men that Herb runs the Widowers Support Network, which provides free services to widowers, and has written The Widowers Journey. As Herb says, “America’s widowers need help. Unfortunately, few resources are available to them.”

    We tend to think of men as strong and independent, the truth is we’re far more vulnerable than we appear. So, what inspired Herb to accept this mission?

    Following the passing of my bride, Michelle, at age 52, from pancreatic cancer, in 2008, I needed help in dealing with my grief. Among those I sought assistance from was my local Barnes & Noble bookstore.  When I asked a clerk what he had for a new widower, he typed “widower” into his computer’s search engine.  He then looked up at me and said, “Mister, I don’t have a thing for you.”

    NOT AN ACCEPTABLE ANSWER

    Many would have accepted that response, but not Herb. He asked himself, “How could this be? Nothing?” As he explains it, “Having been published in the past, it occurred to me that someone needed to write a book for America’s widowers, and that person was me.” But would he stick with such a daunting challenge.   “Within a year, I resigned my position as a senior bank executive and dedicated my life to serving America’s widowers.” And from a terrible life-changing event, a mission was born, but what gave him the strength and ‘stick-to-it-iveness’ to accomplish his dream?

    Herb was born the ninth of eleven children in Buffalo, New York. Before he was able to graduate high school, he was activated in the army reserves and served as a Drill Sergeant from 1967 to 1973. His determination compelled him to later attend college courses at night, “and with the support of several wonderful superiors”, he was able to rise from the ‘bottom’, to the presidency of a bank in central Florida.

    Herb has a history of overcoming hurdles. He says as a youth, he stuttered, yet became a professional speaker (my professional hobby,), who frequently addressed conventions, corporate meetings and university audiences.” His book, The Total Executive, (1986), became a three-part series produced by PBS affiliate WNED-TV entitled, Today’s Executive, and he was featured as the sole on-air personality speaking before a live audience. He was also the spokesman in Marketplace Bank television commercials when he served as its president.  In 1991, he was inducted into the Buffalo/Niagara Sales & Marketing Executives International Hall of Fame. World-class designer Piero Di Mitri presented him with the first ever Di Mitri Executive Image Award, presented by supermodel/actress Jennifer O’Neill and multi-Grammy Award winner, Wynton Marsalis.” I think his greatest reward is knowing he has helped countless men who share his loss:

    “My life’s work is more than the nine years I spent researching the world widowed men inherit, or the 102,000 words I wrote, or the 59,000 words I chose for my book.  My calling is one of having developed a deep compassion for the men who suffer in the shadows of a society that has failed them.  Whether you speak of our houses of worship, our Federal, State and local governments or the neighbors next door, widowed men have been left to their own resources.”

    WORKING FOR CHANGE

    Herb believes our view of men has to change. “They just don’t believe they have permission to grieve.  The trauma imposed unto men will continue as long as we keep teaching our young male children that “Boys don’t cry.”  The injustice imposed on widowed men will continue to manifest itself as long as we hold men to a different standard.”

    THE WIDOWER’S JOURNEY

    Once he recognized his calling, Herb wanted to write a practical book: “Widowed men aren’t interested in a lot of theory. They want actionable steps they can call upon to accelerate their recovery.” He believes men learn best from those who’ve experienced this loss. “With forty+ widowed men (three of them double widowers) volunteering their insights and best practices to the pages of The Widower’s Journey, widowers are sure to find answers to the questions that keep them up at night.” He also presents experts in the field: “The Widower’s Journey validates the words offered by its contributing widowers with contributions from fifteen subject matter experts from the fields of psychology, sociology, personal finance, law, religion and more.”

    Herb invites you to learn more at WidowersSupportNetwork.com, his Facebook site, Widowers Support Network, and a second Facebook site exclusively for widowed men and those men with seriously ill spouses, Widowers Support Network – Members Only.  His book, The Widower’s Journey is available on Amazon.com in paperback and digital formats.  And he invites men in The Villages to attend his free monthly meetings with fellow widowers, September thru May, right here in The Villages.  Contact him at herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com or by calling 615.579.8136.

    THE HOPE

    As a widower, Herb was able to rediscover love when he met Maria a few years after Michelle passed away.  Maria and Herb were married in 2011.  “I have been blessed in so many ways.  While I enjoyed a remarkable life and career for which I am grateful, serving widowers and those who love them is by far the most rewarding thing I have ever done.”

    At the beginning of this article I stated the thing I admire most about writers is their ‘passion’…I was wrong, it’s their ‘compassion’, how much they care. If you want to learn more about our compassionate Villager writers, please visit www.wlov.org for a directory of our authors and their books, as well as a list of local writing clubs that will help you express your passion in writing. If you know a middle or high school student that loves writing, tell them about the Florida Writers Association Youth program (www.floridayouthwriters.org) where compassionate authors help them achieve success.

    Mark H. Newhouse authored the award-winning comical mysteries, Welcome to Monstrovia; The Case of the Disastrous Dragon; and the new, Case of the Crazy Chickenscratches. Founding president of Writers League of The Villages, and the Central Florida Book & Author Expo, December 8, 2018, at the Eisenhower Recreation Center, he invites you to share suggestions and questions by contacting him at www.aimhipress.com.   

    Reprinted with permission of Village Neighbors Magazine – August 2018

  • Serving others can heal your broken heart.

    It’s true! No matter how painful your grief may be, getting up and off the couch and into your community to serve others is guaranteed to make you feel better. Whether you volunteer for the fire department or the Red Cross, become a scout leader or work in a soup kitchen, serving others will energize your heart as it searches for joy.

    About 2 1/2 years ago, while volunteering at my church during their annual fall festival when a fellow parishioner approached me and asked, “Have you ever considered joining the Knights of Columbus?” I replied no, but I would be willing to consider doing so. I ended up joining the KofC and have enjoyed working side by side with some terrific gentlemen on a wide variety of volunteer efforts, not to mention having an opportunity to serve my Lord and his church.

    Recently, the members of KofC Council 12761 honored me by electing me as their Chancellor. I assumed my new duties last evening during a special ceremony held at my church.

    Why do I tell you all of this? Its to point out how serving others, no matter the organization or environment in which it is orchestrated will brighten your day. It gives widowed men “purpose,” and every man needs “purpose.”

    As we travel down our never-ending journey of grief, each widowed man will have moments when he can choose to accelerate his own healing. One of the ways to do so is in the service of others. After all, there is no greater reward than what one feels after they have done something for someone who can’t pay them back. Celebrate the ‘life’ the of your bride by living yours. The choice is yours.

    So what are your thoughts on this topic? Let’s hear from you.