The Widowers Journey

Category: Relationships

  • Playing Not To Lose

    by David W. Welday

    March Madness is here!  Whether or not you follow college basketball, it’s hard not to be aware that the NCAA college basketball tournament (affectionately known as “March Madness”) is happening.   

    In our family we all fill out a bracket…some of us take it seriously while others fill out their bracket just to be part of the fun.  I don’t know which teams will make the “sweet sixteen”, “final four” or who will eventually win the tournament, but what I can be pretty confident will happen at some point during the tournament, is there will be at least one team who gets knocked out not because the other team was superior but because they beat themselves.  We see it almost every season, one team has a comfortable lead going down the home stretch, and instead of turning on the gas, looking to put the other team away, they tighten up, begin to play more conservatively. They play not to lose.  The other team seizes the opportunity, the momentum of the game shifts and the team that was ahead ultimately loses.   

    We can see this play out in other areas – public policy for example.  Decisions are made not to advance our cause, promote democracy or exert influence in the world but rather to appease, not make waves and avoid conflict.     

    For sure, there are times when the wise strategy is to focus on defense more than offense – to keep your thoughts to yourself rather than push an issue.  Timing is everything.  But sometimes we need to stick to our guns, lead with conviction and press through a challenge rather than pull back.  There are times when you need to play to win, not just to avoid losing.  How do you know?   Every situation is different.  You may be dealing with a relationship issue, a business issue, a priority issue or something else.  Here are some thoughts to help guide you.   

    Convenience or Consequence – If you choose to hold back and not press a point, that will likely be more convenient.  Most people don’t like conflict and pressing your point or pushing an agenda may create conflict.  But what are the consequences if you don’t contend for what you believe is best?   

    Some decisions may not be that important.  Yes, you really think the walls of the new office or family room should be beige instead of grey. But if you surrender to grey, will that impact productivity all that much?  Will the peaceful resolution bring more benefit not just to you but to all involved, than holding out to get your way?     

    On the other hand, what if you are convinced the person being considered for hire is not the right person for the job?  Making a bad hire could cost the company untold amounts of money in lower productivity or having to redo work that was done wrong.   

    Being Right or Relationship – Maybe your point of view is correct.  You have insight, experience or expertise that causes you to be 100% confident you are right.  But the person you are dealing with is more emotionally fragile and overriding their decision could send them into a tailspin of self-doubt or deprecation.  Sometimes keeping the peace or putting the needs and feelings of others ahead of coming to the “right solution” is a greater win than actually winning your point.  Maybe standing your ground will cause others to think less of you, but the stakes are high enough that you need to play to win and just not save face.   

    Yes, we need to be conscious of not pulling back and playing not to lose – SOMETIMES.  And sometimes, the greater win comes from holding back in order to let the other person shine – the other team win, the less-than-ideal solution be the one you go with.   

    Pay attention to when you find yourself in those situations where you have to internally decide whether to play for the win – to press your point and when the better strategy is to pull back.  May you make the wise decision every time!   
    _______________________________________________________
    David W.Welday III is the president of HigherLife Publishing and Marketing in Orlando, Florida.  

    Article reprinted with permission

  • Do You Have Male Friends?

    Noted clinical psychologist Edward Zimmer, MA, from Savannah, Georgia, is a friend of mine. You may recognize his name as he was a contributor to my book, The Widower’s Journey, and has been a guest on my podcast, Widower’s Journey Podcast. Better said, he is a childhood friend I first met on a baseball diamond when I was only twelve years old.

    Today, Ed sent me a link to an article written by Madeline Holcombe and published by CNN. The piece, “Why most men don’t have enough close friends,” struck me as what the research cites parallels what I have been experiencing since I founded the Widower’s Support Network.

    I have previously noted and reported how my followers’ number one complaint is loneliness. Secondly, I have mentioned how very few widowed men have friends they can count on when they need a confidant. Most friends come from their pool of co-workers or clients, and they become diminished once the man retires. Fewer men have genuine friends dating back to their youth. And fewer still know how – or think it less manly – to seek out new friends. Widowed men, frequently turn away those who offer assistance following their wife’s death – thinking acceptance is less manly. Yet, they wonder why their few male friends stop coming around, causing widowed men to complain further about feeling abandoned.

    I suggest widowers get off the sofa and volunteer for a worthy cause where they can interact with people or join a civic organization like the Knights of Columbus, Rotary, or Lions Club. The lack of friends or loneliness may contribute to widowed men’s eagerness to remarry the first or second girl they may date. This rush to the Justice of the Peace frequently ends in an expensive divorce. They become confused between “love” and “replacing what’s missing, their wife.”

    Here is the link to Madeline’s insightful article. See if you don’t recognize a few similarities between Madeline’s discovery and your widower’s journey.

    https://www.cnn.com/…/men-friendships-wellness/index.html

  • Tired of being alone? Maybe it’s time to try dating again.

    Whether you’re a divorcee, a widowed man, have never married or even been in a committed relationship, you may someday tire of being alone. I completely understand. You see, I have been in your shoes as have millions of other men.  As a result, there are many lessons and best practices for you to go to school on as you emerge from  your “cave.”

    Men have various reasons for wanting a new friend. Some men hope to discover love while others are happy having someone who can cook meals or care for them should they ever become ill. Others are lonely, usually the result of a divorce or the death of their spouse and desire someone with whom they can share a bed. Others are wounded following an unwanted breakup, or they are a veteran of a previous romantic experience gone bad; causing them to shy away from ever exposing their emotions or their wallets to more pain.  As a result, they forego any future entanglements. To them, it’s just not worth it.  Like the women they seek, men too have their own motives. 

    Others see a real upside to dating and are willing to give it another try.  And when they do, they like moving things along pretty fast, but they would be better advised to be a bit more patient. Through my years of research, I have found men in these situations to at times be a bit impulsive, a behavior that triggers potentially devastating errors in judgment. There are many risks associated with late-in-life dating. From the emotional dangers of rejection to the financial risks presented by a woman who has predatory motives, dating can have its downsides. But that should not deter a single or widowed man from seeking a companion and more.  Dating can be exciting.  It’s fun, but it can complicate one’s life, so go about it with your common sense fully engaged; moving forward with intent and purpose.

    Where does an eligible man begin?

    If you are considering re-entering the dating scene, you first need to understand your own motives. What is missing in your life; a partner or a hot date? Do you seek the companionship of a woman of deep faith, an intellectual who can debate the issues of the day or someone who can make you laugh and has a great figure? I know, I know… you want all of the above. But what are your MUST WANTS?  You need to know them and then look for them in those you meet. Example: During one’s life, we all accumulate baggage. If you are asking a new companion to accept your baggage, are you willing to embrace hers?  

    When I decided to seek a new life companion, I subscribed to the online dating service, eHarmony.com. Be aware not all online dating services are created equal. Fortunate for me, eHarmony paired me with a computer engineer named Maria.  Maria subscribed to eHarmony herself because she happened to know the psychologist that designed eHarmony’s matching software, and he confirmed how it was scientifically valid.  I suspect not all online dating services can make the same claim. Maria and I were married one year later. 

    My mother once said to me, “If you want to meet a nice girl, go to church!” Regardless of your beliefs, my mother’s advice is worthy of consideration.

    Herb Knoll is a retired banking executive, an advocate for Widowers, professional speaker and author of the breakout book, The Widower’s Journey.  Available at Amazon.com in paperback and in all digital formats. Herb is the founder of the Widower’s Support Network LLC (WidowersSupportNetwork.com) featuring the Widowers Support Network – Members Only, a private Facebook group page for men only, and a second Facebook page which is open to the general public at Widowers Support Network. Herb also hosts the lively and popular Widowers Journey Podcast, which followers in 44 countries. See: Contact Herb at herb@WidowersSupportNetwork.com.     

    A Dating Checklist for Senior Males

    1. Know yourself
      1. What void in your life are you attempting to fill? Lover, cook, travel partner, caretaker for you, etc.
      1. Are you emotionally ready for a relationship?
    2. Identify your Must Haves and your Never Wants
      1. Children? A smoker/drinker? Someone younger? Someone healthy? Someone who is financially self-sufficient?
    3. Clean-up
      1. Women prefer men who take care of themselves physically as well as visually. Are you fit?
      1. Never invite a woman into a cluttered or messy residence.      
    4. Define your dating strategy
      1. Consider the services of a dating coach.
      1. Blind dates?
      1. If you use an online service, be honest when answering their questionnaire. 
      1. Join groups or volunteer where you are likely to meet others possessing common interests.
    5. Never Compare
      1. Never compare your dates with your deceased bride. Enjoy that which is unique about her. (Besides, you would not like being compared to her previous mate.)
    6. Get off the sofa
      1. Be where people are found; civic and public events, at a house of worship or clubs.
    7. Be honest about your intentions
      1. Don’t say you’re the “marrying type” if you are not.
    8. Read
      1. Purchase Abel Keogh’s book, The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers
    9. Enjoy the moment
      1. Plan dates that both you and your new friend will genuinely enjoy.Some of the most enjoyable dates don’t have to cost anything.
      1. First dates over lunch at a favorite restaurant make for a safe environment for both parties.

    … And enjoy the moment!